RainesKitchen

kind, helpful, true

2012-01-01T10:56:00.002-05:00

It's a brand new year. I am not making resolutions, but I do have some intentions for the year. I intend to do just a bit more than last year. Give a bit more, exercise a bit more, meditate a bit more, be greatful a bit more, love a bit more. And i am going to try to practice "right speech". "Right Speech" is the buddhist principle that one should say only what is kind, helpful and true. It is very difficult for me, but I think worth the effort.

simple things

2011-12-18T20:10:00.003-05:00

This weekend has been about spending time with family and friends. We had a dear friend visit from Ohio, and got a chance to catch up a bit. I spent a lovely afternoon talking, eating and drinking with some of my favorite people. I spent a lot of time with my husband and son. It was really wonderful. Sometimes, it's not the big events, it's the simple things that make the biggest difference in your life.

Oh yeah, my son says I'm the best cook ever... because of this:

Chicken Curry

1.5 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
2 large carrots, sliced
1 large sweet onion, sliced vertically in thin slices
a handful of fresh string beans
3 boiled, peeled potatoes
1 cup of steamed cauliflower (optional)
1 tablespoon madras curry powder
2 tblspoons cornstarch
1.5 tablespoons better than bouillon chicken
1.5 cups cold water
1 tablespoon cooking oil

add oil to hot skillet. Add chicken. Cook on high a few minutes until chicken is cooked outside (doesn't need to be cooked all the way through). Put chicken aside. Add onions, carrots, string beans to the skillet. Saute 5-8 minutes, on high heat, stirring frequently.
slice potatoes and add to the pan, Cook another 2-3 minutes. Return chicken to the pan. Add the curry powder. Let cook another minute. Add the bouillon. Stir. Put cornstarch in a bowl, stir in the cold water, dissolving the cornstarch. Add to the pan, bring to a boil. Add the cauliflower if using. Put a cover on the pan, reduce heat to low. Cook 5 minutes stirring occasionally.

Serve with rice.

refuge

2011-12-09T19:58:00.003-05:00

On Sunday, I take the refuge vow at the Shambhala Center.

the vow is simple:

I take refuge in the Buddha
I take refuge in the Dharma
I take refuge in the Sangha

What it means is that I commit to the Buddhist path for my lifetime. It's a big thing, but an easy one. I have already made the same commitment to myself, have been living that commitment for a little over a year. This is just a public declaration in front of the community I am joining. It is a little like a catholic confirmation service. There is no priest, but there is an acharya (a teacher). There are specific words said, and specific gestures made.

I was a Buddhist before the ceremony and I will be a Buddhist after.

community of another sort

2011-10-21T17:09:00.002-05:00

Last night, I went on my third weekly visit to the Shambhala Meditation Center. On Thursday nights, they have what they call an "open sit". At 7pm, the large meditation room is open to all who want to come meditate. There are cushions set out in rows, and chairs in the back for those who need them. Their are candles, and incense or scented oil. A "moderator" acts as timekeeper. The person sits facing the room, sounds the bell that starts the time period, meditates, and sounds the bell again at the end of the session (about 45 minutes). During meditation the room is silent, except for the occasional cough, or the sound of someone shifting position. It is quiet enough to hear someone's stomach gurgle in the row ahead of you. It is amazingly peaceful and welcoming.

After the open sit, there is an open house. People drink tea, eat snacks that have been prepared, and socialize for 15-20 minutes. If you choose, you can attend a dharma talk after the tea. These talks are on meditation or buddhist dharma. They generally last an hour.

There is no charge for the evening, although donations are accepted. They just leave out a bowl for this.

I have really gotten a lot out of this. There is a difference to meditating in a room with others versus doing it at home. A different energy? I am not sure really. It may just be the length of time you meditate. At home, I generally do 15-20 minutes. This is 45 minutes. That is a long time to sit, at least for a relative beginner.

The dharma talks have been helpful, and enlightening. Not a religion, but a way of dealing with what is. No salvation, no higher power, no faith. I love the pragmatic, the practical approach that this center takes. It is not so much about the theory, the philosophy, as it is about the practice. "This is the way it is, now what do we do about it" I have not heard anything I have opposed, or disagreed with. I find myself nodding in agreement or recognition a lot. I am in the right place for me, I think.

It feels really good.

the journey continues

2011-10-03T18:07:00.002-05:00

I have been to Detroit. To Philly. I'm headed to Charlotte in a few weeks. We're into the college trip/college application process in a big way. It's been a lot more entertaining than I thought it would be.

Our first trip was to Wayne State in Detroit. I really was not looking forward to visiting Detroit. It turned out to be a really fun trip. We stayed in a really plush hotel, nicer than our usual by quite a few notches (thanks Hotwire!). We had a view of the waterfront from our bed. Beautiful. We spent a lovely day wandering around the Belle Isle park. They had a stunning conservatory, and no one visits it. The guard at the desk thanked us multiple times for visiting. The sign in sheet showed we were the only ones. On an amazingly beautiful Sunday afternoon. The multiple thank yous would be a trend. Detroit seems to have so few visitors, and so few residents. Everywhere we went people were gracious, polite, and unbelievably grateful we were there. We visited the Detroit Institute of Art and it was much the same. Beautiful museum, very good collection and very few visitors. We went to a restaurant, Kascent... which we visited because a guy on the sidewalk talked us into going inside. We were one of two tables of people in a restaurant meant to hold hundreds. We had fresh corn muffins, straight from the oven. I had Fried chicken. Greens. Mac and cheese. My husband ate an enormous freshly fried catfish sub, and our son had ribs, with all the trimmings. Our bill was $24. Amazing.

The school was much much better than we expected. The campus was nice, the size (20,000 plus students) seemed manageable. It was diverse, and it seemed that everyone mixed easily. Our son felt instantly at home.

The 2nd trip was just me and the boy. We had a great time. We did a day trip to Philly, to tour Temple University. The school had much better facilities and resoures than Wayne State, but seemed a little clique-y. While it was diverse, folks seemed to mix only with folks like themselves. Still, it was a beautiful place and had a lot of things to recommend it. We followed it up with getting lost, getting lunch, getting lost again. Lunch was dim sum, at a highly recommended restaurant. Food was terrific but the experience not so much. None of the staff spoke English, or understood it. Menus in chinese only. We never got drinks because we couldn't get the wait staff to understand what we wanted. We weren't even sure what we ate from the cart, although it was delicious. I'm not sure I would go back, even with the great food. It was so frustrating not being able to communicate.

In a week we go to Charlotte. I am really excited. We are going to visit UNC-Charlotte, but I am thrilled to have an excuse to visit the city. And looking forward to spending some more family time together. I am very aware now, that the family time we have is growing short. Every time we tour a campus, see a dorm room, I get a very concrete reminder that our boy is moving on, and away. Still, I am going to enjoy the time we have. And maybe I'll get BBQ too.

churning, but not really moving

2011-09-12T19:18:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I am really really busy. This is one of those times. At the same time, I feel like not much is happening. I am working a lot, seven days a week most of the time. I have a database re-development, a server migration, a web server upgrade, and a change to our credit card processing, all happening at the same time. It's a lot of effort, and all to crucial systems. It really has to go well, right out of the gate. I don't feel as anxious about it as I normally would, and I am not feeling the pressure the same way. It's not that I don't care -- I really do want it to all go well. It's just that I don't care with the same weight and urgency that I used to have. I guess I finally understand that it's an important task, but it's not earth-shattering. It's not life and death. I have more perspective than I've had before.

We are going to start looking at colleges next week. This is a big year for our son, his senior year of high school. He is working at getting his license, taking a really demanding course load, and is trying to squeeze in some fun at the same time. I want to enjoy the year, and try to savor the "mom" time as it slowly slips away. It's also a year with big tasks for me -- making sure I don't miss deadlines, making sure we see the schools we need to see, talk to the people we need to talk to, and meet our financial goals for the coming year. I haven't felt this torn between my two hats since our child was a toddler. I want to spend all my time on my mom hat, but need to spend as much time as possible on my work hat.

The funny thing is that I know that in six months all the work on both fronts will be largely done. All the "huge" stuff will have resolved, one way or another. In the meantime, I just need to relax and let it flow.

rumination on meditation

2011-09-04T11:07:00.003-05:00

I have been meditating daily for more than 6 months now. I don't meditate for long, sometimes only 5 minutes, usually 10-15, first thing in the morning. I used to meditate, sitting in a comfy chair. Recently, I've moved to a cushion on the floor.

Originally, I meditated because it was a requirement for a study I was in. Now I meditate because I seem to need it. When I don't do it, I feel like something is missing. It calms me. It centers me. It heals me. Occasionally, it challenges me.

Sometimes, I sit and nothing happens. On those days, I get 10 minutes of peace and quiet, and nothing more. Sometimes I get an up close view of what I am thinking and feeling, and that's not always a fun time. Sometimes I get insights. Sometimes I just feel happy, or connected, or I feel awash with love for everything. Sometimes, I feel agitated, unable to settle.

Certain patterns have emerged. If I am troubled about a person, even if I am not consciously aware that I am, I will see their face until I acknowledge that there is something I need to resolve, and then it will go away and I can go back to my meditation. I get phrases that crop up -- these are like notes from my unconscious, I think. Once it was a solid week of "body and mind are one". Clearly this was something important I needed to understand. The last day or so have been nested russian dolls, "I am. We are. It is." I am still puzzling out all that I am supposed to understand about that. "It's not about you" was one that was a part of my sessions, but has since cropped up from time to time as I meditate.

Sometimes, I am just sitting there with ...me. I see the desire for attention, or the need for importance. I see pettiness, insecurity, selfishness. I can be stunned by my real feelings, real motivations. I can acknowledge the fear, or anger, or sadness. It can be painful and eye-opening to really see your uncensored self, but it is also illuminating. I had no idea how much I filtered, or hid from myself.

Sometimes there are no words, just a light, and a stillness that seem to come from everywhere and nowhere. Just the now, the infinite moment. In that there is the sound of the insects buzzing, the birds singing, the rustle of leaves, the cool on my skin, the unyielding floor beneath me. I can feel my heart beat, hear and feel my breathing.

It seems to me that an enormous amount can happen, with just 10 minutes of stillness a day.

an interesting ending, a new beginning

2011-08-23T17:25:00.003-05:00

Today was my last day in the study. I went for an exit interview, a slew of paper and computer tests, a blood draw, a final meeting with my study guide assistant. I went in at 10am. First up, a 1 inch stack of paperwork. I filled out quality of life surveys, gratitude surveys, attitude surveys, a death perception survey. I filled out general psych surveys. I answered questions about my goals. I answered questions about my general emotional state. I clicked a mouse for long lines displayed on a screen, and tried to NOT click when the displayed line was short. I clicked buttons to cooperate or not, earning fake money depending on which option the computer chose. I filled out more paperwork.

Then I went down to the lab for a blood draw. Nurse 1 kept thumping my veins and shaking his head. He tied the rubber tubing around one arm, thumped, shook his head. Then he moved the rubber tubing to the 2nd arm, thumped my veins, shook his head. He moved the rubber tubing back to the first arm and stuck the needle in. Missed the vein. He tried again. Missed again. Then he called in another nurse. She repeated the routine. She stuck me once, missed the vein. Stuck me again, said she knew she got it that time, but no blood. She called another nurse. She thumped by veins, found one she liked, and got the sample. I recited my mantra in my head, took deep breaths and tried to keep the nurses calm during the whole procedure.

Bandaids on both arms, and feeling like a pincushion, I went back upstairs. I met with one of the psychologists to discuss my overall experience, what I felt I got out of the psilocybin, the meditation, the mantra, the groups.

THen I met with another psychologist, to talk some more about the study. We talked for a few minutes and then the building began to shake. We both thought it was the construction crew outside, colliding with the building. The shaking got worse. A painting flew off the wall, and the file cabinet drawers started rattling. We ran out into the hall, I grabbed my backpack and we headed down the stairs with everyone working on the floor. When we got downstairs, the guard said it was the entire medical center, not just the building. Not a construction accident, a 5.9 earthquake. We stood out in the parking lot, and did more of my exit interview. I took a few minutes to call home, and make sure everyone was fine.

After about 20 minutes, we got the all clear and went back in. I finished up my interview, and met with my study assistant. We talked about different types of meditation, and she had some suggestions for things I might want to try. We hugged, and she walked me back downstairs.

The study was officially over, with a most interesting ending, I think. I certainly will never forget it.

Today was also a new beginning. Now I meditate because I meditate. I use my mantra, because that's what I do. I don't do it for the study, and I won't have guidance, or input, or requirements. It will be what I do because I want to, or need to do it. And it will be something I do on my own. I look forward to where it takes me.

paper losses don't mean much

2011-08-08T18:21:00.004-05:00

I've lost about fifteen thousand dollars this week, on paper. S&P cut the US credit rating, and the resulting uncertainty has sent the stock market into a tailspin. I am not saying this because I want sympathy, or because I am particularly concerned. It's a paper loss, affecting money I have never seen. This is retirement money for us, and we are far from retirement age. So really, while I could sit and gnash my teeth, I have only "lost" what I never really had.

On the other side of the world, in Somalia, 29,000 children have died from starvation. 350,000 more are in danger of suffering the same fate. For their families, this loss is real, and immediate, and devastating.

It seems to me that my little loss just doesn't mean much.

not so far apart

2011-08-07T18:03:00.003-05:00

from the rhetoric flying around washington, you would think that their is a chasm between those on the right and those on the left. I sit firmly on the left. So I wondered how far apart are we, really?

Here's what I believe --

I believe in strong families. I believe marriage depends on two consenting adults, in a committed, monogamous relationship. I think the raising of children is an important endeavor, vital to the success of our society.

I believe in keeping your word. Pay your debts. Be honest. Live an ethical life.

I believe in hard work. I think there is honor in any job well done. I expect to be loyal to my employer, and expect my employer to be loyal to me. I expect a living wage.

I believe in the American Dream. If I work hard, educate myself, and follow the rules, I should prosper.

I believe all citizens are equal before the law, and in the eyes of their fellow citizens.

I want safety, security, health, a solid future for my child.

The big differences are in the details, I guess -- how these beliefs get translated into policy.

I am willing to pay taxes, to live in a world where what I believe is true for ALL Americans, not just some. I am unwilling to prosper on the backs of my fellow citizens. I don't believe what's good for corporations is necessarily good for the people. I don't believe the wealthy need to be protected from paying their fair share. I want equality for all citizens, not just straight, Christian, born in America citizens.

I guess that's the gap.

some musings on getting older

2011-07-25T16:48:00.003-05:00

I turned 49 this weekend. I know I'm not supposed to tell my age, but I just can't see why it's a big deal. It's how old I am. I like being 49. I liked being 48. I am guessing I will like 50 too. Not liking my age would be like not liking my big toe. It's just part of who I am.

The other day, we were having a conversation with our waiter. Our son had turned 17, and our waiter wanted desperately to be 17 again. I thought about it. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to being a teenager. All that anxiety, and uncertainty. Trying to be cool. Trying to fit in. So much fear about the future. No thanks.

While I had a blast in my twenties, I wouldn't go back to that either. Such a manic time. Really high highs, and really low lows. Still not sure who I was, or what I wanted, and scared I wouldn't get it, even though I didn't know what "it" was.

I infinitely prefer the more "mature" me. I know who I am. I know what I want, and what I don't. I have built a life that makes me happy. I am as successful as I am ever going to get, and I am content. I don't need anything, or really want for anything either. My life is full of good friends, much love, and good times.

There are prices to aging. My knees hurt. My hair is turning white. I struggle with my weight. I don't see as well as I did. I can't stay up all night, at least not if I have to get up the next day. I sometimes forget things I want to remember. Perimenopause has been no fun at all. I have to get up at night to pee.

Still and all, I'll take it. All of it is as it should be. A sign that I've been here a while, and have a few miles (and the memories to go with them) on me. At 49, I can say it's all good.

another step on the road

2011-07-17T16:28:00.002-05:00

Our son turned 17 yesterday. It's another step on the road to...away. He is job hunting, working on getting his license, looking at colleges. It's all as it should be. On the one hand, I am proud. He's everything I wanted in a child, and he's turned into a good man. On the other hand, I'm a mom. What am I when he leaves home? Intellectually, I know that I'm still me. I know that I will always be his mother. But the day to day part I play in his life will largely be a thing of the past, and relatively soon. And what I know in my mind has yet to reach my heart.

I hope I can manage to approach this year with grace, and with a greatful heart.

wanting what I haven't got

2011-07-06T17:20:00.002-05:00

I don't think money is the root of all evil; I think wanting is. It seems to me that when I am unhappy, when I feel discontented, it is almost always because I want something I haven't got. I chafe at my older model car, because I see all the shiny new ones. There is nothing wrong with my car. Nothing. I just suddenly value it less, judge it more harshly, because I want a new one. I see someone's vacation pictures, and suddenly feel stifled by my job. I want a book or a CD or a new movie. I start resenting the money I have to spend on the dog.

Wanting what you haven't got, you become a judge, weighing what you have against what others have. You become resentful, because you are so deserving, and others, who deserve less, have more. You become selfish, because when you focus on your own wants, you have no room for others.

This kind of want, that doesn't stem from true need, is destructive, seductive, powerful, but ultimately, unfillable.

its not about me

2011-06-30T18:49:00.002-05:00

one of the things that I came away from my sessions with is the idea that "its not about me". This means more than it seems to mean on the surface. It is about giving into the idea that we are all one thing. Not distinct separate entities, but part of the ALL. It is about surrendering the individual will, the individual desires and just allowing the universe to be what it is, without attempting to shape or control or fight what is.

Apparently the universe can drive along just fine, without me at the wheel. This is humbling. This is also freeing. It is also hard to put into practice. The temptation to control things, to manage, to HELP, to shape, is profoundly enticing. I'm here, I matter, I can bend things to my desire and will. LIke a two year old, ME DO.

Except. I can let things be. I can not act. Let what's going to happen just happen.

because of Scott

2011-06-29T18:59:00.003-05:00

because of Scott, I had a lot to think about today. I am guessing, because he was 47 years old, that he thought he had tons of time -- time to say I love you, or thanks, or you mean a lot to me. Time to say I'm sorry, I screwed up, I need you, I appreciate it. That's what I think, and I'm only a couple of years older. I am guessing he didn't spend a lot of time thinking about how he wanted to live his last days. I think that's something that occurs to you when you are much older.

because of Scott, I thought about the things he maybe didn't have time for, and said the things that maybe he never got around to saying.

Rest in peace, Scott.

happy tired

2011-06-24T17:16:00.005-05:00

I am exhausted. I slept a little less than three hours, so that I could take our son and a friend to pick up their bus to the airport at 2am. But I am a happy tired. My son is in Costa Rica for a week, on a high school Spanish trip. I love being able to give him this kind of experience. The night before, I stayed up until 12:30, waiting for him to get home from his first rock concert. He saw U2 at a large stadium near our home, with some of his best buds. He was almost glowing as he told me about the show.

I love all of this, even when it knocks me out. Because it's what I always hoped for. Our kid is happy, healthy, well-adjusted. He has good friends. He has opinions, interests, talents, a life. I would give up sleep for weeks to see the smile on his face, the joy and excitement that come with new experiences. SWEET!

what is compassionate?

2011-06-13T19:01:00.003-05:00

I am struggling the last week or two with what is compassionate? How do you know when you are truly acting from compassion? and in a situation where there is pain all around, how do you know which action is more compassionate?

Does compassion require action at all? Can I be loving, be compassionate, and still let events unfold without my doing anything at all?

To give a non-human example -- our dog is in pain. A lot of pain, a lot of the time. His test results show hip dysplasia, spinal disk degeneration, a spinal cyst, stenosis. He already has mitral valve degeneration, and a heart defect. Yet he is happy much of the time, and seems to enjoy his life. Do we keep taking him to the vet? have his hip replaced, or the cyst removed? At what point are we serving ourselves and not the dog? what is the compassionate thing to do? Are we taking him to the vet for him, or for us? If its for him, will we know when it switches to being about us?

when do you act? when do you not act? does motive matter?

extending the metaphor

2011-06-03T12:28:00.002-05:00

So, I talked the other day about parenting yourself. Once I had accepted that idea, and begun to put it into practice, I realized that I had to extend the metaphor. If we are all truly interconnected, and I have to parent myself, it follows that I have to parent everything.

I have to extend that same respect, tenderness, and nurturing that I offer myself as far as I can. I have to extend that difficult job of letting go, of encouraging growth, of being stern when needed, out beyond the boundary of self and into the world.

I have wondered before what compassion demands. How can we forgive, or love, someone who does terrible things? I think now, I have the answer. I can do it as a parent does it, when their child disappoints or does something hateful. Sometimes you have to attempt to correct the behavior; sometimes you have to step back and let the lesson unfold. Sometimes you can do nothing at all-just hope for the best.

parenting yourself

2011-06-01T18:31:00.002-05:00

An idea has emerged from my most recent meditation sessions -- that you should parent yourself. By that I mean that you should treat yourself as if you were your own child. Instead of the inner voice being critical -- too fat, a failure, bad mother, bad wife, shouldn't have said that, done that, etc - it should be maternal. "Next time you'll do better." Or "you're beautiful the way you are" or maybe you just need some rest, or soup, or an extra hug. Maybe you should coddle yourself a little. Be firm when you need it. Approach yourself with tenderness. With care. With love. Unconditionally.

schools out

2011-05-29T18:46:00.002-05:00

So for me, school is over. I graduated on Friday. I've finally completed something I started way back in 1992, when I took my first graduate school class.

Friday morning, I met my fellow graduates in the gym by Homewood field. We helped each other figure out the mystery of how to wear a hood with our cap and gowns. A half hour before graduation we were still discussing classes, papers, professors. We were done, but the idea hadn't caught up to us yet, and we were still very much students together.

We marched across the astroturf, and through the tunnel set up for us. We joked, pointed out each others families, noticed how serious and young the other graduates were, the engineers and scientists. We settled in to our rows, fanning each other, cooling each other with water bottles. We listened to the speakers, although they seemed to be speaking to the other graduates. We were exhorted to solve the problems of climate change, and our planet. We asked each other if we could manage that with an essay or poem... We watched for our pictures on the huge video screens, applauded when one of us came into view.

We waited our turn. The other graduates walked solemnly across the stage. serious hand shakes, a quick pose for a photograph. degree after degree.

At last, our turn. Master of Arts in Liberal Arts. We got our hand shake, but also hugs, and a few tears. Back to our seats and a chance to relax a bit. We congratulated each other, and told each other how proud and happy we were to graduate together. And we meant it.

I got a piece of paper on Friday, a degree that says the University recognizes my achievement. But what I got for the last 5 years was worth much more -- a real community that will always be a part of me.

status update

2011-05-17T17:32:00.002-05:00

so -- it's been 5 months since I looked at my progress on various fronts. I have lost 16 pounds since January 1. I am really pleased with my progress. I think I was successful this time because I was not alone in my attempt. Friends from work, and from online, were also trying to lose weight and we encouraged each other.

I have walked 3-5 days a week since January. I walk a very brisk 1.5 miles during lunch, usually with a couple of friends from work. This has reduced my stress level. I also don't get so sleepy in the afternoon.

I finished graduate school. I turned in my portfolio, and while it wasn't stellar, I thought it came out pretty well. I definitely was pleased, looking back at my experience, and at the work I'd done.

Work has gone well. I feel like I am learning and improving there as well.

I'm continuing to meditate every morning, and journal every day.

I feel more relaxed, more centered, healthier. I feel content.

finding the balance

2011-05-10T14:22:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling with the practical applications of my recent experiences. Simply put, I know things, so how do I apply what I know? We are all connected. What does that mean in my day to day life? I believe everyone does the best they can. No one tries to be an asshole. No one means to live a bad life (or they do and are so damaged they couldn't do otherwise). I find myself excusing the guy who cuts me off in traffic because he was probably late to his kids school, or if he's late to work he'll lose his job. I still get mad, but it fritters away to nothing. How much edge do I lose? Can i retain all my "self"? is a kinder, gentler me possible? would I still be me?

I think I will be struggling to find a balance for a while.

slowly, the wheels turn

2011-04-30T17:33:00.002-05:00

slowly the wheels turn. I am still processing all that happened during my two psilocybin experiences, still mulling over what I now know, and what that means about me, and for me. from time to time, I will share my current thoughts, based on what I've processed so far.

I have always felt rather shallow, because I don't tend to be self-analyzing. I just live. If I make a mistake, I try to improve. If I see a problem, I try to fix it. But I don't spend time thinking about it. I don't scrutinize, analyze, or obsess. I have always been about the what, and the how, and not the why.

I no longer feel bad about it. In both experiences, I got a very clear picture that the IS, is what is significant. I think the desire for the WHY is about fear, or maybe control. Why are we here? is a question driven out of a fear that you aren't living the way you should, or that you are missing something vital. If you knew the why, you could do things differently, you could maybe game the system, or not waste time on the wrong things.

But really, if you knew, if you really truly knew the why, what would it change? you are already doing the best you can, and you are already living your life your way. If you let go of the fear, and the desire to control, the why seems to lose it's attraction.

I am not saying that "why" can't be important. When there is a specific problem to solve, it is essential. It drives science and exploration. I just think we apply the question to everything, because it works so well in some areas. It's the universal hammer, and everything begins to look like a nail.

Instead of "why me?", maybe "now what?" or "how do I move forward?" is the truly useful question. Instead of "why am I here", maybe "I am here -- how do I make the most of it?"

guinea pig, the next next chapter

2011-04-11T18:02:00.002-05:00

Today was my second psilocybin session. What follows is my report for the study guides:

Report – session 2

This session was very different. The first was transcendence, exaltation, joy, humor. This was prosaic. This was more about me, not the universal. I got to see how my mind works. I mean that literally. I got to …see…how my mind works. I saw it take my recent experiences, and add them to my existing symbol set and filter it all into some sort of order. It was beautiful and illuminating. I had a lovely sequence of rediscovering my arms, my fingers, of how my fingers worked. I marveled and enjoyed the mechanics of it all. I rediscovered music. That doesn’t exactly describe it. It was like I never heard it before, and I played with it, puzzling it out. Oh, this is how music works. I understood it. I was in a tribe, in Africa. Mud, wood, drums. And I called to my friends, each by name, and they came, and became part of my tribe.We danced and it was good. I was in Egypt. I could read the hieroglyphics. Water was everything. It pulsed through my culture, controlled what you were or how you were honored.I had the secret of the water, and that was good. I was in Vallhalla, feeling that I would fight and die with the people at the table, and that it was good. I watched the Gods rage on Olympus, tapping my foot with impatience, waiting for them to finish their bluster and games. It seemed such a distraction, and beside the point. The real answer was the day to day, the big IS. The rest was just ….theater.

There was work today. Three times I had to give something up. The first time, I had to give up language. Words broke apart and became meaningless sounds. And I got the message. I would move no further until I gave up language. It was a struggle. Really really hard. But I did, and as soon as I let it go, everything made sense again. The second time, I had to give up control. Again I got the message. I would move no further until I gave up Control. It was really hard. But I did, and as soon as I let go, I could move. The third time was the hardest for me. This time, I had to give up self. I had to really struggle, but in the end, I did what was asked. And felt an incredible sense of unity, of peace.

Several times, I felt I was done. I crossed my arms and said, “nope, not gonna do it”. I mean that literally. I was flat on my back, with my arms crossed, my foot tapping and all the defiance of an eight year old. Nope, You aren’t the boss of me. I am tired, and I’m hungry and I am not doing this. And then I waited. But it wasn’t over. I was just not going to get my way. Each time this happened, I eventually gave in. There was no point in insisting, so I might as well enjoy the ride.

This was all hard work. But it felt good. I feel like I did something today. I connected with the universal past, I survived many trials, and I persevered. I earned my place in the family of man. I don’t know how else to word it, but that’s what it felt like to me.

missing Dave

2011-04-03T19:19:00.003-05:00

A dear friend died the other day.

We met back in college, when I was a freshman and he was a graduate student. He was a "friend of a friend", and I met him through our frequent D&D games. We were unlikely friends. He was on the far end of the nerdy spectrum. Bad clothes, awkward social skills, irritable, long winded. But he had a great sense of humor. He was one of the most knowledgeable people I had ever met, on a wide variety of topics. And he was unfailingly kind.

Over the years, he became part of our lives. I remember going to the beach, parties, an infamous trivial pursuit game, funerals, weddings. The wooden tractor he bought for Mike when he was little. Emails, books borrowed and lent, movies seen, meals shared.

We worried about Dave. His health was poor. He suffered from juvenile diabetes, and the complications that came with it. In the end, it killed him.

I'm really going to miss him.

RIP David L Bongard

guinea pig, the next chapter

2011-03-23T17:00:00.002-05:00

I have been participating in a research study for 4 weeks now. I have been meditating every morning, journalling every day, and meeting with a counselor/guide weekly. The results have been very positive. I only meditate 10-15 minutes every morning, but have already had more than a 10 point drop in blood pressure. I feel calmer and more centered. My stress level has gone down a bit.

Yesterday I completed my first psilocybin session as part of the study. Overall it was a very positive experience, although I have the mother of all "hangovers"today. What follows is the report I was asked to write last night, to turn into the study's principle investigator this morning. Bear in mind that this was written after an extremely emotional and intense, drug experience.
3/22 session one - report:
The drug took affect fairly quickly, or so it seemed to me. I felt a sort of dislocation, a kind of sense of “unreality”. I felt really nauseous and physically uncomfortable initially, but this passed. My initial images were stained glass, church spires, gothic church ceilings. I kept moving higher, and this all disappeared in streaming sunlight. I experienced a sort of synesthesia(?) sounds became light, light became sound, music became a shape. Things bent and danced, with bright blue, bright red, flashing lights. I saw what I called a hindu merry go round, but it was dancing elephants, blue figures, dancing figures, with the jeweled diamond patterns from Indian art. It did not feel religious, but it did feel FUN. It was music and joy and fun, and it was a part of everything. I heard what I thought was a drum, somewhere in the background, a beat… a beat. It became clear it was a heart beat. The heart beat. I was witness at the birth of the world. A bright gold light sphere, the heart beat was the eternal Mother, and I caught the birthed world in the palm of my hands. It was wonderful and beautiful and essential. I was a tree, old, my roots in the soil, and it was me. I was my age, and loving the feeling of age, the sense I was in a flow of time and right in the place I should be. I felt such contentment and acceptance. I saw more shapes, lights, the music became emotion and emotion became a ribbon I could trace and follow and still feel. I became the music and then I became the emotion. It flooded me. I was filled with light and joy, weeping at the beauty and truth. The joy grew and expanded until I almost could not contain it and then it flooded everything. I was bathed in white light, I was white light. And there was the TRUTH. I knew it, it knew me. And I got the assurance that I could keep it for all time. This you can keep, for always. It was a promise and a commitment and an assurance. And I felt intense gratitude. And then I felt what I can only call a universal benediction. I felt GRACE. I felt that I had heard a universal amen. I was awash in a feeling of accomplishment and triumph. I basked in it; reveled in it, took my bow and triumphal march. And then I was surprised that there was more. Delight. Humor. I was shown my faults, my cynicism, my temper, my lust, my pride, and all of it was okay. It was me as much as the transcendence. I saw a duality of things, that I could be Buddha and a bitch, and this was part of the delight of the universe. All things are a part of the whole.

Later, I could feel that I was “back”. I felt my body again. We took a little break, talked, I sat up, and then back to the couch and the blindfold. At this point it was different. The music was just music, and much of it irritated me. I could feel my body, and was hungry, tired, cranky. I had conscious thoughts again. Memories, images from life, from film, snippets of things I’d read, all back again. .

discipline

2011-03-08T18:20:00.002-05:00

as part of my new routine, I meditate every morning when I wake up. I have done this for 3 weeks now. It doesn't matter if I want to. It doesn't matter if I am so tired I can hardly stay awake. What matters is committing to a discipline. I have lots of routines in my life, but that is not the same thing. My routines are things I do without thought. Meditation is a conscious decision.

some mornings, it is the last thing I want to do. But I get up, and I do it. And no, I don't always magically feel better for having done it.

I am trusting that there is value in the discipline itself.

I need a vacation

2011-03-07T19:08:00.002-05:00

It never fails. The 2-3 weeks before I go on vacation are the busiest weeks I've had in months. Work is insanely busy. My newest project is to learn how, deploy, and administer an Alfresco server all in 2-3 weeks. There's that number again.

I have to write and submit my MLA portfolio, before I leave for vacation, so I have time to do any requested revisions before the deadline.

I am meeting once a week with my guide for the research study, and am scheduled to have my first psylocybin experience the week we leave.

And we still have social events, regular errands, trip errands.

I can't wait to get away and have 10 days OFF.

misplaced guilt

2011-02-28T18:52:00.002-05:00

So, last week I asked for a raise/promotion. I haven't heard back yet, but I feel guilty for asking. I know, at some level, that I shouldn't. I know I worked hard, have valuable skills, and have performed exceptionally well. I know that. But I also know how I feel. I may deserve what I asked for -- actually I am sure that I do.

But I also know I have co-workers that make much less than I already make. That the money for salaries is not infinite, and that paying me more means someone else may have to take less. That really I already make enough. Intellectually, I also know that this is not my problem.

But it still feels like my problem. Maybe this is why women don't ask for raises. Maybe we empathize to much with the other guy. I don't know. Studies say that women don't tend to ask for promotions or raises, where their male counterparts do. I have seen articles that attribute much of the pay gap between men and women to this reticence.

I think I'm experiencing misplaced guilt. The kicker is I might not even get what I asked for. Maybe the answer is no. Will I be relieved or angry if that's the answer?

wishing for spring

2011-02-21T18:49:00.002-05:00

I can't help it -- I am wishing for spring. We had a lovely day on Friday, with the temperature getting up to 70 or so. I was able to go outside for a walk at lunch. I cannot believe how feeling the sun on my back improved my mood. Blue sky. Sun. Warmth. Buds on the trees. Robins in the yard. Magnificent.

Today it is 35 degrees again. The forecast calls for sleet and snow. I'm cold. I'm uncomfortable. I know that soon enough, there will be sunshine and the turn of the season.

Sometimes, it's hard to wait.

the study has started

2011-02-20T20:02:00.002-05:00

The research study I am volunteering for has begun. I have selected a mantra, from a list of choices -- om mani padme hum -- which is the one I am already used to. And I have picked my passage for meditation.

Let me tell you one thing
If you want peace of mind
Do not find fault with others
Rather learn to see your own faults
Learn to make the world your own
no one is a stranger, my child
This world is your own
== Devi

This is the passage I will use for my daily meditation for the next six months. I am journalling every day as well.

I will be meeting with a study guide every week as well.

this resonates more

2011-02-15T19:47:00.002-05:00

this resonates so much more for me than the ten commandments, and I think, leads to a better life

these are the 10 Grave Precepts of Buddhism:

# Affirm life; Do not kill.
# Be giving; Do not steal.
# Honor the body; Do not misuse sexuality.
# Manifest truth; Do not lie.
# Proceed clearly; Do not cloud the mind.
# See the perfection; Do not speak of others' errors and faults.
# Realize self and other as one; Do not elevate the self and blame others.
# Give generously; Do not be withholding.
# Actualize harmony; Do not be angry.
# Experience the intimacy of things; Do not defile the Three Treasures.

a look into the past

2011-02-10T13:27:00.001-05:00

To finish my graduate program, I have to submit a portfolio that is essentially a snapshot of my work toward the MLA. One of the sections is about why I went to graduate school, and why the MLA. Part of that section requires inclusion of the essay I wrote for my application. It's interesting to look back on that now, so here it is, what I wrote back in June of 2006 on why:

I haven’t written an essay in quite a while, so forgive me if I seem a little rusty. Hopefully, it will be like riding a bike, and it will just come back to me.

So why do I want to go back to school? And why a Masters in Liberal Arts? When you are a child, answers are easy and straightforward. I could just say, “I like school” and be done with it. Or I could say, “because I want to”, and you would just smile and nod your head. Unfortunately, as you get older, reasons become more complex. It’s no longer just one thing. I suppose a part of why is because I simply miss the classroom experience. I miss reading interesting works, instead of technical articles. I miss discussion, real discussion with give and take and an exchange of ideas. It is possible that I even miss writing papers, or at least miss having written them.

Partially, it’s the practical that persuades me. Every year, this fine institution sees fit to give me tuition remission. And every year, I just let it sit, without doing anything with it. The good, blue-collar person inside says “What are you doing? That’s like throwing away money!” When else will I ever get to go to school on someone else’s dime? I occasionally like to do something rational.

I also have a sense that I’ve left something undone. Years ago, I took a few graduate classes in English, with the thought that I would like to be a professor. It turns out that I loved the learning, but was not really cut out for the profession. I still feel like I have work left to do at that level, that perhaps there is a book or two in me after all. Without the school framework, I doubt I would ever write them.

Professionally, I am on shakier ground. I have a decent career as a database analyst and programmer. The addition of an MLA after my name will probably do little or nothing to advance that career. It’s not going to get me a raise or a promotion or open up other opportunities for me. It is true that for some positions , employers want an advanced degree, and don’t care particularly much which flavor it is. But the truth is that I am forty-three years old. I have accomplished pretty much everything I wanted to accomplish from a career standpoint. A bigger job doesn’t interest me.

I have reached a point where I can take some time to do what I want to do. And this is what I want to do.

the happy accident

2011-02-08T17:32:00.002-05:00

We have become used to finding what we are looking for, or not even having to look. We do internet searches, and then sift through matches. We have apps that bring us things we are looking for. We have a GPS so we get exactly where we are going. I can download articles for papers, never having to search the stacks. I can listen to internet radio, and it will suggest things like what I already like.

I am troubled by all of this. What happens when we no longer find what we are NOT looking for? where is serendipity, stumbling on something, the happy accident? What happens to discovery? How do we expand, broaden our interests, branch out?

the human cost

2011-02-03T18:25:00.003-05:00

I think we need some sort of new calculus, a way of factoring in the human cost to political decisions. What is the cost of Mubarak's decision to stay in power? In Egypt, people are fighting, getting injured, some dying, to end an oppressive regime. What does our military presence in the Middle East cost us? We know the dollars and cents answers. But our soldiers are dying in Iraq, in Afghanistan, over 5000 of them, in what appears to be an endless conflict. At home, some in Congress are trying to limit the definition of what constitutes rape, in order to save money on healthcare.

I think if we re-did the math, we'd find the human cost is just too high.

guinea pig, the beginning

2011-01-25T18:24:00.002-05:00

I went over to Hopkins Bayview today to participate in a screening for a research study. I parked in the wrong lot, got horribly twisted around trying to find the building, and finally had to call for directions. I was about 10 minutes late.

The coordinator/assistant for the study was very nice, very friendly and outgoing. We chatted as I filled out the requisite permissions, acknowledgments of rights, and medical forms. I took psych inventories, where you check yes or no for each statement listed. Most were pretty run of the mill, but it included "my tv or radio has secret messages for me" and "before the age of 15, I tortured small animals"... I had 5 tubes of blood taken, had an EKG, and a short physical. I got measured (I'm 5ft 4 and a HALF inches), weighed (her scale is more forgiving than mine, only 142 in her office), blood pressure (120/80 on the nose), had my reflexes checked, etc.

I met with a psychologist, who asked tons of questions about my family, my moods, was I ever traumatized, etc.

Then I did a couple of computer games. In one, I clicked Cooperate or Defect, and the computer also picks cooperate or defect. Depending how my answers matched up with the computer, I "earned" $5 to $25 of fake game money for each answer. There were patterns, and then the patterns would change, etc.

The second game was much longer, and more frustrating. I had to click the mouse if a long line was displayed on screen, not click if it was short. The line would appear and then quickly get masked with a distracting pattern. I had a very hard time not clicking on the short lines. No score, or any way to really know how you did, or whether there was even a point to the game.

If my bloodwork comes back ok, and I passed the tests, I will meet once a week either individually or in a group (two randomized study cohorts), and learn meditation and guided imagery techniques. I will be asked to keep a daily journal, meditate 10-30 minutes every day and do some mindfulness exercises daily as well. I will have two supervised trips with psylocybin. During these, I will have a guide/facilitator on hand as well as medical supervision.

The whole study is 6-8 months long. It is an uncompensated study -- they pay for my parking, but that's it. In a previous version of the study, 25 of 28 participants said it had been life-altering in a positive way. They reported less stress, more compassion and a pervasive sense of well-being.

I think it is worth it, solely for the structure it will give to my meditation practice. Hopefully, it will provide me with the skills to continue the practice on my own.

what is enough?

2011-01-24T18:10:00.002-05:00

Some of what I have seen and read recently has me puzzled. I am wondering what is enough? The other day I read an article about people turning spare bedrooms into walk in closets. Walk-in closets. Because they have so many clothes, shoes, purses, etc that they cannot fit in a normal walk-in closet. This is not the problem of someone in an old house like mine, where the closets are about 18 inches wide. These are people who cannot fit their wardrobe in a large-ish walkin closet. What is enough?

An entire industry has grown around the storage of stuff. People pay rent, not for their home, but for a place to store the stuff they can't fit in their homes. And the American home is huge. I have been watching HGTV, a show about first time buyers. They want granite counters, walk in closets, huge bathrooms with soaking tubs. 2400 square feet is "kinda small". Big house, big furniture, big mortgage, big utility foot-print.

We eat enough food for two people. Maybe three. Starbucks just introduced a new drink, the trenta. That's a 30 ounce drink. Checkers makes a burger that is 4 beef patties, 4 slices of cheese, 4 slices of bacon.

Executive pay has reached new heights. No longer content with 50 times the average worker's salary, CEOs are asking for, and getting 500 times the average employee's wages. And then corporations lay off employees to be more profitable. Crazy.

It's all so excessive. So much more than what's needed. It's as if everything is a game, and quantity is the ultimate way of keeping score.

cod fish stew

2011-01-23T18:07:00.006-05:00

Cod Fish Stew perfect for an icy day

32 oz swanson's ff vegetable broth
14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes, drained
1.5 pounds of cod pieces, cut into chunks (trader joes sells in the freezer section)
1 cup of frozen corn
4 yukon gold potatoes, smallish dice
1 onion
3 slices of bacon, diced
1 cup sliced fresh fennel (bulb part))
1/2 cup of diced red peppers
1/3 cup chopped flat parsley
1 tsp of thyme
1/2 tsp of cracked black pepper

In a large dutch oven, or sauce pan, cook bacon one minute. add potatoes, onions, red peppers, fennel. Cook 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently. Add broth, tomatoes, corn, parsley, thyme and pepper. Bring to boil. Reduce to simmer and cook for 1-2 hours, until potatoes are done. Add cod. Cook 4 minutes or just until cod is cooked through. Serve with good crusty bread.

what I do

2011-01-22T12:18:00.002-05:00

From time to time, I am asked what I do. This is always a reference to my profession. And I give various answers: computer geek, programmer, IT Manager, work with computers. I think I assume people don't want detail, and/or wouldn't understand what I do.

My usual day runs like this. I get in, login to my computer. I make sure I can access the databases I am responsible for. I open our techsupport mailbox, so I can respond and route requests throughout the day. I check on our facebook page, and our twitter account. I check my office email, so I can respond to requests that come there as well. I run a few informational queries that let me know where we are with registrations, that certain back end processes are running. Then I divide my time between working on database projects or programming projects, and responding to what comes in. This might be a request for information from a vendor or partner or some other department in the institution (how many left handed physicians from idaho took courses lasts year?). It might be a registrant who can't retrieve their transcript online. It might be a staff member who needs help with their software, or needs to market a course with an email blast. I forward tasks to our web programmer or tech support analyst - anything I can get off my plate, I do. I am learning to delegate. It's hard, but is better in the long run.

If there is a problem, everything else drops off while I deal with it. If the website is down, that becomes my priority. If we can't authorize credit card charges, that's the priority. I do a kind of technical triage all day long -- what has to be done, what can wait.

I have a lot of meetings. I am on the Executive Staff team at work; so we have regular meetings for that. I meet once a month with my team, so we update each other on projects, issues, schedules. I meet with our web support folks once a month. Once in a while I go to our advisory board meetings, or to the coordinators team meetings. I meet with prospective vendors, to look at software and hardware we might be purchasing. When we hire for certain positions, I am part of the interview process. There are meetings with other folks at the institution outside our department. I try to tell myself that meeting time is not a waste -- it is all part of the job, so even if it doesn't feel productive to me, it is still work.

I do administrative crap. Purchasing. Approving bills. Time Sheets. Reviews. Approving leave. I only have two people to manage so it isn't horrible, but I like it least of all I do.

I love the problem-solving aspect -- the struggling to get something to work and then figuring it out. It keeps me challenged, and thinking. And I love the people interaction -- the helping aspect. It really energizes me to be able to help someone do something in a way that makes it easier, or better, or just plain possible. If I can take a problem off of someone's shoulders, it makes my day.

so that's what I do. The labels -- programmer,database administrator, web administrator, manager, business analyst -- are just words.

for the love of the game

2011-01-16T10:22:00.003-05:00

Another football season winds its way down. My beloved Ravens once again made the playoffs, but failed to make the Superbowl. I wonder why I always feel so let down when this happens? I'm not playing. I don't know any of the players. I don't have season tickets. I invest nothing but my time, to watch the games. Yet, when they lose, I feel bad. Conversely, when they win, I feel terrific. Is it competition by proxy?

I do know that I love the game. I really do. I know this puzzles some folks. It doesn't seem in keeping with my other interests. I don't love ALL sports. Just football. Baseball is somehow seen as more intellectual. No one would have a problem with me loving baseball. But football is a brutish thing, or so it is regarded in some circles.

I think that's why I love it. I love the basic, primal nature of it. It isn't about intellect. Although smarts can help win games. It is really a physical contest, played out by people who border on superhuman. Most folks could play baseball. Not well, but they could play. Few people could play football. I can't watch the game and think that with practice, I could do that. It is like watching the Olympics. The human body outperforms what human bodies can do -- it is physical strength, stamina, dexterity all on display.

I love it, and when the season is over, I miss it. Maybe that's why I hate when we don't make the superbowl. It cuts my season short. I don't get the last drop.

the energy of the new year

2011-01-10T17:59:00.002-05:00

While I am physically tired, having not slept well in many many days, I am mentally energized. I had my weigh-in this morning for my work's Biggest Loser competition. It is a team competition, so I am partnered with a group from my office. There are ten of us, and our group percentage of weight loss is what counts. We are encouraging each other, taking walks at lunch, or exercise classes, and generally keeping each other on track. We weigh in once a month for 3 months for the competition, and we are weighing in once a week in our office, to track our progress. A co-worker has developed a system so none of us knows who weighs what. we submit slips of paper with our weight on them, but not our names. The total is added together, and then the percent lost or gained in aggregate is tracked, so no one has to be embarassed if they don't lose, or don't want to disclose their weight to the group.

I got through the initial screening for the spirituality study. I go on the 25th for a 5-6 hour more rigorous testing, including psych tests, after which I will know if I am accepted into the study.

I've been reading all the books I bought at xmas, and all the books I stacked up to read after school was over. So it's all fun stuff. Just finished the first book in The Hunger Games series. Very nicely done.

I've also been treating myself to a lot of video watching. I go all 5 seasons of The Wire for xmas, and I am watching the whole series in order. I am halfway through season 2 and it is just brilliant. And has an added dimension as I recognize the locations in the series. Our son's drama teacher is also in several episodes, and that is also fun, getting to watch her work.

I cleaned out a lot of clutter and junk drawers over break, and that has been really mentally freeing. I don't know how that works, but it does. Maybe some space in my brain was occupied on some level with planning to do something about all the junk.

A lot of huge projects at work are coming to an end in the next month or so. This feels terrific. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment, as well as a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It feels great to be productive, to be contributing something, to be succeeding at tasks I once thought impossible.

It's fun, like I'm firing on all cylinders, however briefly.

lab rat

2011-01-03T19:23:00.003-05:00

I am contemplating being a guinea pig. Again. I used to make a few dollars now and again, by participating in university research as a test subject/paid volunteer. I have tested fabrics, by wearing uncomfortable shirts while pedalling on an exercise bike (they were testing wicking, so I had to sweat!). I volunteered at Goddard, testing robotic arms and remote sensing. It was like playing the world's coolest video game. I moved a robot arm across a simulated lunar landscape, and tried to pick things up while looking in a reverse image in a mirror. Odd, but fun.

the current prospect is a spiritual/meditative research project. It's a six to eight month study, with meditation, and three psilocybin sessions. Yup, shrooms. The hypothesis is that the meditation and the shrooms combine to produce a transcendent, spiritual experience. As a faithless person, a serious atheist, this is just too intriguing to pass up. If the time commitment is reasonable, and the risk is non-existent, and I turn out to be an acceptable test subject, I am definitely going to do it. I'll know more tomorrow, after my phone interview and info session.

In an earlier study by the same researcher, 22 out of 28 subjects said the experience changed their lives... for the better. Hmmmm...

organizing my life

2010-12-28T16:57:00.002-05:00

I am spending this week organizing my life. Not metaphorically, mind you, but in the real world. I am tackling a bunch of irritating clutter spots, and issues. I cleaned out the desk in our foyer yesterday, finding all kinds of odd things. We had a Christmas stocking we bought for the cats, 4 years ago. I found school pictures, pictures of Largo as a puppy, a newspaper article about Obama's inauguration. Pocket knives, old cough drops, keys to thinks we don't have. Coupons that expired in 2008.

With that cleaned out, I tackled the buffet that I use as storage in our living room. I threw out a lot of stuff, arranged things in ways that made more sense, but still ended up with too much crap. We have 10 or 15 bagged, magnetic hinges. A picture frame our son made when he was 5 or 6. Lots of playing cards. A huge box of matchbooks. I drew a line and threw out the snow globe. I pulled out a seahorse I found on the beach, a fossilized barnacle, couple of other things. I set these aside for display. Then I heard crunching behind me. Largo had the seahorse in his mouth and was trying to eat it. Apparently he thought it was a tasty treat. I managed to salvage it.

Tomorrow I tackle the radiator by the front door. This has long been a spot where things get tossed. I have no idea why anything is there. I am going to get rid of everything, and find some sort of storage for the dog's poop bags. Seriously.

After that, I am painting the inside of the front door, and the windows surrounding it. The dog chewed the paint off the bottom sidelight a couple of years ago, and I have been looking at, and being annoyed by, the bare wood spot for all of that time.

After that, I tackle the household paperwork and odds n ends that always end up in my sitting room. Probably why I have never really gotten to use that room. Well, that, and its really cold in there. Once I get it cleaned out, I can work on getting it to be useful space for me. I want to use it for meditation, and for quiet time.

So maybe all this cleaning isn't just literal. Maybe it is a metaphor. Now that school is over, I need to tame the chaos, and make space for the next adventure. I need order, so that I can be organized for our son and the planning and paperwork that will come with the college admission process. I need to gather my sources, so I can write my portfolio, so I can graduate. And with everything in its place, I can relax. I don't feel like there are chores hanging over me, left undone. I guess a little order will feel like an accomplishment as well, a sign that I did something with my time.

how the buddhist thing is going

2010-12-22T17:24:00.002-05:00

So, I've spent the last couple of months trying to live by Buddhist principles. I've had some successes and some failures. I find meditating really really difficult. I enjoy the way I feel afterward, though. And for me the most difficult parts aren't what I thought they would be. I really thought that quieting my racing mind would be the big hurdle, but actually, it's been the pain of sitting. I have trouble with my knees. Lots of trouble. As in pain, in every position but one, which is stretched straight out. So I could meditate laying down, but then I fall asleep. Sitting in a chair has been the best I can manage so far.

I thought I would feel frustrated, irritated, with trying to have empathy for people I dislike, but instead, I found it freeing and enlarging. I don't know how/why that works but it does. I still get pissed. I still flip people off or curse in traffic. But there is a moment, immediately after, where I seek for and find understanding. Go figure. I feel I have made incremental progress, but see myself on a path that will expand my world, and improve my life. That's a good thing.

what makes christmas

2010-12-18T18:50:00.002-05:00

What makes Christmas? I was thinking about that the other day. We don't have a lot of serious strong traditions in our family. Some years we put up a tree, and decorate it. A few years, we just put up a little 2 ft pre-lit tree up, and left it at that. We usually put a wreath on the door. We go to my parent's house for Christmas Eve, where we have a large Italian seafood dinner, and open gifts with my family. Christmas morning, we wake up fairly early, make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate, and open our gifts to each other, and see whats in our stockings. Then we head to my mother in law's house for Christmas with my husband's family. We open gifts, take a walk if the weather allows, and then have a nice Christmas dinner.

We used to assemble a gingerbread house every Christmas, when our son was little, but he has outgrown the practice. He used to leave milk, cookies, and a note for Santa out on Christmas Eve. I would drink the milk, eat most of the cookies, always leaving one with a big bite out of it. This too has been outgrown.

We have some favorite activities. We go see the lights on 34th Street in Hampden. It always makes us smile. We try to go out to Largo, to see the Festival of Lights in the park. Joyous! We take our son Christmas shopping. Up until recently, this was a trip to the dollar store, armed with a long list and his allowance money, supplemented by a few dollars from me. This year he has a Visa debit card, and an itching to go to the mall.

I am not sure what part of this is the essential part. It changes as we grow older, but somehow stays the same. I think maybe it's just one of those things you have to enjoy as it happens, and not try to quantify.

the impersonal universe

2010-12-05T18:10:00.002-05:00

The universe is impersonal. Things happen in it, without regard for what you want, how you want it, or the power of your personal thoughts. The universe is impersonal. It doesn't give a rat's ass whether you are happy or sad, whether your plans are disrupted, whether what comes your way is fair or just. The universe is impersonal. There is an order to it, a balance, a completeness. But none of this is taken to an individual human level. Said another way, bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. This may piss you off. This may make you cry. This may make you rail against the heavens, gnash your teeth in despair. But it is what it is. The universe is a thing of beauty, a system of infinite possibility and potential. It is also horrible and powerful and terrible, depending on where you stand while it does its magic. You are every bit as important in the whole as a bird, or a gnat, or a grain of sand, or a tree. Humanity does not make you privileged. It doesn't make you favored. It just makes you self-aware. This doesn't mean what you do or say does not matter. It does matter -- to you. To the people around you. The universe is impersonal, but you are not. Because the meaning of life IS personal, and you decide what that meaning may be.

I find great comfort, when things are not going my way, to remember this -- the universe is not personal.

last post of November

2010-11-30T18:09:00.002-05:00

This is the last post for November. I mostly participated in NaBloPoMo (national blog posting month) missing only one day, and that due to a technical issue -- no internet access. I learned that it is really hard to write every day in a constrained format, like this blog. I found myself fishing for topics. In desperation, I almost broke some of my own ground rules -- I almost blogged about work, almost provided details about my personal life. I don't do that because this isn't a diary or a journal. While maybe only 3 or 4 people actually read this, it is still "public" as part of the internet. Will I participate again next year? I don't know yet. Maybe. It was a stretch, and stretching is good, sometimes.

the big office move

2010-11-29T19:13:00.003-05:00

I am in the midst of the "big office move". I have been in the same office for 8 years. Before I came on board, it was a coat closet. They added a custom wooden desk, built to fit the space, and a guest chair. A couple of years later, they added heat/AC vents. The room is roughly 4.5 by 6 ft. Really small. At various points I have had as many as 5 PCs in there with me. Right now I have two PCs, a printer, a stereo tower, wall mounted shelves, two file drawers that fit under the desk.

Tomorrow I move down the hall to a larger office, roughly twice the size. I will have more than twice the filing space, and much larger wall mounted book shelves. It is still a small office by most people's reckoning, but it will be palatial to me.

To get ready for the move, I have had to wade through all my stuff, and pack. I can't believe how much dust had accumulated in that little space. And the stuff! I had $4.50 in nickels, dimes, pennies, thrown in a drawer. I had cough drops from five years ago. I had every phone list issued since 2002 (that's like 4 a year for 8 years), all thumbtacked on top of each other. I had a pager issued to me in 2002 and never used. I had floppy disks. I had cables for keyboards they don't even make any more. Menus for restaurants closed long ago. Layers and layers of stuff. I had warranties that expired in 1999. I had manuals for printers that had died ages ago. I cannot believe the things I thought I might need someday.

Hopefully I will be neater in my new space. More organized. Make better decisions about what to keep and what to pitch.

But somehow I doubt it.

non profit idea

2010-11-28T15:48:00.002-05:00

I have been discussing, off and on for a couple of years, the idea of founding a non-profit with a couple of friends. We have wanted to have a more active role in solving some of society's problems, something that goes beyond writing checks, donating old clothes, or volunteering an hour or two.

the current idea that I am kicking around is Community Kitchen. This would be a community kitchen, food pantry, a place to get free or low cost cooking equipment, a collective for buying cheap food/spices, and a place for teaching cooking and shopping strategies. The goal would be to reduce the food divide that exists between rich and poor. We would take donations, sell a cookbook, and help people stretch their own existing funds/food stamps.

I think this could work, and could really help.

lethargy

2010-11-27T17:19:00.002-05:00

I find it amazing that after 3 days off from work, I am still tired. I feel this unbelievable lethargy. I napped today. And could nap again. I haven't done a ton of stuff the last two days. We went for a long walk outdoors both days. I did some grocery shopping. I did my reading for class. Did a lot of dishes. Watched a bunch of movies.

that's about it. It's like I've been storing up piles and piles of tired, and was just waiting for an opportunity to crash. I am guessing I need the rest.

movie night

2010-11-26T19:49:00.002-05:00

very occasionally, we rent a pile of movies and have movie night. Tonight we have Paprika, an anime that predates Inception by about 4 years, but is very similar. Draw your own conclusions on that one. And Oldboy, which we are viewing next. I also have The Girl who Played with Fire (the swedish version), and Percy Jackson (because it looked so very very bad) to see this weekend.

the boy is upstairs with his own pile o films - including Patton and Reservoir Dogs.

Gotta love it.

in gratitude

2010-11-25T10:38:00.003-05:00

I am sitting in my nice clean living room, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. I have a cup of hot tea, a dog laying at my feet. The smell of turkey roasting in the oven fills the house. Soon family and friends will arrive to help celebrate the day. My wonderful husband walked the dog, set a beautiful table, and took out the trash. Our son woke up early, came bounding down the stairs, wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving as he did so.

I am grateful today for so many things. Food, shelter, occupation. Family, friends. Warmth, comfort, ease. My heart is full today.

Thanks!

2010-11-24T13:32:00.003-05:00

Technical difficulties (no internet) prevented me from posting yesterday. So much for my month of blogging daily. Today's post is simple.

Thanks!

That's it -- just thanks, to everyone, for everything. The whole ball of wax. I feel heartfelt gratitude every day, even if I don't express it to one and all.

the season of gathering

2010-11-22T17:51:00.003-05:00

This is the start of the gathering season. I love it. All sorts of excuses to get together and socialize, to catch up with old friends and to make new ones. There will be neighborhood parties, school get togethers, work parties, old friends visiting. We'll get the cards from folks we hear from once a year.

I absolutely love it.

the love of reading

2010-11-21T15:07:00.003-05:00

there is a facebook list, from the BBC, of 99 books you should read. I have read 75 of them. Reading has in many ways, made my life what it is. Learning to read opened up the world to me. I could go beyond my family, beyond my street, beyond my neighborhood. It was a revelation to me.

I did not come from a family of readers. We had a small handful of books in the house before I started reading. Reading was not encouraged; it was viewed as anti-social and anti-family. I actually think that that was part of the original attraction for me. I could be alone when I read.

I had no discrimination and no taste. I read everything I got my hands on. I was probably the only 8 year old who had read both Dante's Inferno and Bob,Carol, Ted and Alice. I read a slew of classics, because my Dad found a set of books in the trash -- volumes by Poe, Conan Doyle, Ibsen, Stevenson. I still have them. I read pulp paperbacks, every sci-fi book at the Severna Park Library. I read a lot of smut. I read magazines, cookbooks, a ton of reader's digest condensed books.

Books became my peer group; my beliefs and opinions changed with every book I read. I went through an incredibly greedy, selfish phase after reading Atlas Shrugged. Heinlein had me thinking fascism wasn't such a bad thing. 1984 had me convinced government was a terrible idea. I read The Jungle and did not eat a hot dog for more than 10 years.

Eventually, I established my own sense of self, and my own opinions. Reading no longer pushes me into one thing or another, but it still mesmerizes and entrances. I still am carried away by other places, by living, however briefly, someone else's life. I have never read anything that couldn't teach me something, even if the only lesson was the writer didn't know how to write.

I owe my first grade teacher a huge debt, for teaching me to read.

apparently I am a pig

2010-11-20T16:45:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I am a pig. I cleaned the oven today. it was disgusting. I also cleaned out and washed down the fridge. We had jars of things that expired in 2008. We had things I did not even recognize. We had a drawer we have never used, and that I didn't even realize was there. I have no idea how we go from day to day, and don't even notice how bad it gets.

Does this happen to other people? do other people clean more than we do?

harry potter

2010-11-19T11:58:00.002-05:00

I am going to see the next installment of Harry Potter tonight, and I am as excited as a little kid. seriously. I spent some of my week re-reading the last book in the series in preparation. I adore Harry Potter for the same reasons that I loved Lord of the Rings. A fully realized world. A serious struggle between good and evil. The temptations and pitfalls of power. Choices have consequence, for good or ill. Likable characters. People are often not all good or all bad, but the usual mix of the two.

There is a lot more to this than a simple story to entertain children. And I absolutely love it.

this old house

2010-11-18T16:59:00.003-05:00

We live in an old house, built in 1920. It is charming and really comfortable. It is also plagued with all the problems that old houses have. We have years and years of accumulated bad repairs, odd design choices, deferred maintenance to deal with. We have wheezy radiators, leaky windows, uneven floors. Now we have mice -- because it is impossible to keep them out of older construction. They have taken up residence in between the 2nd and 3rd floors, in our bedroom ceiling. Today the exterminator came, and hopefully that will take care of the problem.

I adore our house. I feel like it's HOME. It is exactly what I always hoped I'd have. But on days like today, I dream of a high-rise condo in a thoroughly modern building. No charm. But no mice either!

no great thoughts today

2010-11-17T12:54:00.003-05:00

I have no great thoughts today, so I'm just going to post a wonderful recipe for chicken pot pie. In the long run, chicken pot pie is much more useful.

Chicken Pot Pie (serves 3-4)

2-3 cups of shredded, cooked chicken
large can mixed veggies with potato
8 0z sliced fresh mushrooms
2-3 heaping teaspoons better than bouillon chicken flavor (you can use chicken stock instead of water in next step if you don't have this)
1 cup water
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 teaspoon herbes de provence
tbsp butter
2 tbsp sherry
ready made pie crust

preheat oven to 350
in a large saute pan, melt butter
add mushrooms, saute 4-5 minutes
add sherry, cook 1 minute
add veggies, herbes de provence
add chicken

in a mixing cup or bowl, add water (or stock) to cornstarch and stir.

add cornstarch mixture to saute pan. cook until thickened (2 minutes or so).

ladle mixture into small ramekins or small bread pans (i used disposable mini loaf pans), or in 1 large deep dish baking dish

cover pans with ready-made pie crust (you may have to cut to fit, reroll, etc). Make vent in pie crust. put pans on baking sheet and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until crust is nicely browned.

Serve.

sometimes the words don't work

2010-11-16T19:41:00.002-05:00

I am writing a paper, and it just isn't working. Sometimes the words don't flow. Sometimes things just don't gel. Ideas don't rise to the surface. Leaden prose. Muddy thinking. Just a big fruitless struggle. Hopefully things will click before I have to turn it in on Thursday. I hate to turn in something that is just not what I wanted to do.

connecting the dots

2010-11-15T19:10:00.002-05:00

One of the great benefits to going back to school has been something I think of as synchronicity. What it really is is a sense of connecting the dots. Things just seem to connect and relate more. I went to see Frankenstein, which connects to a course I took on Evil in Literature, and somehow relates to The Hastings Report and medical ethics, which somehow ties to conflict of interest and disclosure at the office, which somehow connects to the elections, which somehow connects to Anna Karenina and the elections in the book, and one of the paper topics for that book connects to The Scarlet Letter, which my son had to read this summer, and to a class I took on justice, and so on and so on.

It keeps me thinking, and it keeps me seeing things in new ways.

science and ethics and frankenstein

2010-11-14T19:28:00.003-05:00

We went to see my son's friend act in a high school production of Frankenstein today. The play stayed very close to Mary Shelley's book. It was an odd choice for a school play -- it's not a happy or upbeat story. It's got a lot of very long monologues. Much of the action occurs off-stage.

The best part, other than seeing our friends and their kids, was really the drive home. The play led to a really interesting discussion between me and the boy about science and ethics. It turns out that he has very definitive opinions about some recent advances, like cloning. We had a lot of real give and take, and real argument. It was a conversation between equals, and it made my day.

Friends Thanksgiving

2010-11-13T18:17:00.003-05:00

We went to Friends' Thanksgiving today. This used to be an annual tradition among our friends, dating back to our college days, a last chance to get together before we all went home to our families for the holidays. Today reminded me why we used to do this. It is so good to spend the "holiday" with friends old and new. We didn't talk about anything, but we somehow talked about everything. We laughed our asses off. Ate too much, drank too much. But most of all, basked in each others company. I felt stress just fall away in layers. Uncomplicated, easy, fun. I am so glad our friends decided to do this again this year. And I am hoping we decide to do it again next year.

simple pleasures

2010-11-12T13:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the universe just shines. Today I went for a walk outside at lunch. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. It's 60 degrees. In November. The purple and gold pansies in the flowerbeds are all still in bloom. A stray black eyed Susan managed to blossom in the carefully manicured beds.

Bliss.

cooking is akin to magic

2010-11-11T13:40:00.002-05:00

Cooking is akin to magic to me. I take a handful of this and that, apply heat, and transformation occurs. I love that. I can take almost nothing, and turn it into a meal that we all enjoy. It's also like magic in another way -- take good food, and a group of nice people, and alchemy occurs. There is conversation, warmth, love. I think that's why I like cooking for other people more than I like cooking for just myself. I still enjoy the cooking when it's just me, but the pleasure is just so much greater when there is a nurturing aspect to it. When I convey to others my love and care, through the medium of food, I feel fulfilled.

a milestone of sorts

2010-11-10T19:57:00.002-05:00

I just shared a milestone with our son, one I hadn't anticipated. We just wrote his resume. He's in 11th grade, so I really really didn't see this one coming. Who the hell has a resume in 11th grade? apparently everyone. I actually found several templates online to choose from, all for high school students.

When I was in high school, you filled out a form to apply for a job. Resumes were for professionals, not teenagers. What would we put on a resume? that we occasionally did baby-sitting or mowed a lawn?

this resume had sections for education, for experience, for honors, for volunteer work, extracurriculars, skills, etc. He is applying for an internship at the ACLU, to complement his other internship at Catholic Charities. That way he will have 5 afternoons a week in internship.

It will be a wonderful experience, and I really hope it comes through. But I felt like I had turned it one of "those" parents, the ones that over-schedule and lesson their kids to death. It feels wrong for a 16 year old kid to need a resume, or have one. Isn't he still a kid? Isn't he??

traditional?

2010-11-09T12:18:00.003-05:00

I was thinking last night, as I cooked dinner for my family, that I am more traditional than I would suppose. I've never really thought of myself that way. I don't wear makeup (except on special occasions or as part of a costume). I would rather wear jeans and a flannel shirt than a dress any day. I don't get manicures. I loathe the mall. I hate to clean. I say what I want. I have a successful career, but not as successful as I might have had if I weren't a wife and mother. I am not saying that in a negative way -- since I value the wife and mother aspect of my life much much more than work. But, when I think of what sustains me, what brings me joy and pleasure, work is very low on the list. Really, in my mind, I define myself by my "traditional" roles. I love my relationship with my husband; it lifts me and sustains me and brings me abiding love and pleasure. Seriously. Being a mother is one of the best things I have done, or will ever do. I have learned so much about myself, and about others, in the raising of our son. It forces you to see the world in other terms, with other eyes, every single day. And I really think this is a gift, and a constant joy. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done, and this challenge has been good for me as well. Being a friend enriches my life on a daily basis; I can't imagine what life must be like without all these wonderful people in it. They are my chosen family and without them I would be bereft.Work gives me satisfaction, it makes me feel useful and productive, it challenges and interests me, but it rarely gives me joy.

So really, when I look deep into my heart, I find that my husband, my son, my friends are really the core of my life. That's pretty damn traditional.

values

2010-11-08T12:37:00.003-05:00

It seems that every day I am reading about "values". The tea party wants us to return to "American values", but seem to be arguing for a return to 1950s America. Teenagers are often deemed to have no values. Liberals are also often said to lack values. Atheists lack values. Muslims lack values. On the face of it, apparently much of the world is lacking in a basic something, as defined by the press, and large segments of the American population.

Maybe we should start over and start teaching values. Kindness. Charity. Honesty. Let's keep the list short for now. If we focus on just those three, surely we can accomplish something. How would this work? Many people learn by example. So modeling the behavior might teach a segment of the people lacking in values. Others learn by doing, so they should attempt to practice these values as well. Some people learn by rote, so we should talk about these things, over and over, until those folks also get it. We can teach the youngest children, in simple terms, what it means to be kind, to be charitable, to be honest.

What about when people ignore these values, or act in opposition to them? how would we deal with that? It seems to me that we would need to show societal and personal disapproval for the behavior, in a kind, charitable and honest way. I guess that means that we wouldn't prefer to do business with these folks, or hang out with them personally. We might want to not give them too much attention when they are being unkind, uncharitable or dishonest.

Let's give it a try.

group identification, not

2010-11-07T17:03:00.003-05:00

I am reading Anna Karenina for class. We had a discussion the other night in class that is still bugging me. I don't like Anna. I like the book very much, but not the title character. I find her selfish, clueless and occasionally manipulative and evil. I was taken to task by a classmate for not being more understanding and for judging another woman so harshly. In essence, I should have more slack for other women, since we are oppressed together.

my problem is that a) I don't identify as an oppressed woman (and yes, I realize many women are treated unfairly and unequally, I just don't define myself that way) and b) the attitude implies that I should have more sympathy for injustices done to members of groups I belong to. To me this is a scary place to be, ethically. I oppose injustice. Unilaterally. By the argument made in class, I should have less sympathy for gay men and women, because they aren't my oppressed minority, and more for women, because they are. Makes no sense to me.

And even if I give Anna my sympathy, my pity and my understanding, which I do, it doesn't mean I have to like her. And I don't have to respect her actions, no matter how human they are. Yes, it is human nature to tear down the spurned ex, to make yourself feel better about your new choice. Doesn't make it an attractive behavior, or an admirable one. Deception and manipulation in order to see your lover, for whom you have an uncontrollable passion, is still deception and manipulation.

The argument also supposes that all women are the same, as if we were interchangeable blocks. I prefer to treat each case individually. There are women I admire immensely. There are women I like immensely. I don't see how I can like them all.

a larger world

2010-11-06T18:02:00.002-05:00

My world is so much larger than it was a few years ago. Through school, I have met a number of wonderful people, and have made some lifelong friends. Through neighborhood events and get togethers, we have added so many terrific folks to our lives. Over time, friends have moved away, and in keeping in touch, we have expanded the daily geography of our lives. I know what's going on in Kent, Ohio, in New Hampshire, in San Francisco. I care more about what's happening outside our borders, with friends in Germany, in Saudi Arabia, in Slovakia, in England.

The larger my world gets, the closer it all feels. And that's a good thing.

parental oddities

2010-11-05T17:02:00.003-05:00

The other day there was an slight hiccup at our son's school. A boy hit a girl in front of my son; our son hit him back to defend the girl. And I was proud of him. I don't understand that reaction in myself. I oppose violence except in self-defense. I really truly do. But when our kid told me that he "couldn't stand by and let the guy hit a woman", I felt...proud...really proud. I told him that I was proud of the sentiment, but that he could have handled it a different way. Maybe stand between the two, or pull the guy away. But really, at heart, I was glad he socked the kid. What values did I absorb over the years that makes this so?

empathy for those you dislike

2010-11-04T16:12:00.002-05:00

I am trying, trying to find it in my heart to have empathy, sympathy for those I dislike. I'm not getting very far. I can get as far as assuming they aren't acting out of malice, but ignorance or from some well of personal pain. But I just can't get any farther. In the days after the election, I struggle the most. I just do not like Boehner, or most of the leading Republicans. I feel that they are going to hurt a lot of people by their policies, and actions/inactions. Repealing healthcare reform would be catastrophic for many individuals and families and will really benefit no one but corporate interests. I worry that smaller government will translate to disenfranchising the old, the disabled, the poor.

I will continue to try. Maybe I can work up to feeling pity for their misguided lives.

a message to the Tea Party

2010-11-03T18:12:00.002-05:00

Dear newly elected Tea Party folks:

If you really believe in reducing the debt consider ending the wars and bringing the troops home. We really don't need to buy so many aircraft, bombs, bullets, ships, missiles, you name it. And we really don't need to be paying Congressmen so much -- consider returning your paychecks to help reduce the deficit.

Just a thought.

promises

2010-11-02T17:26:00.002-05:00

All my promises are coming home to roost. I promised our son that we would buy him half a car, if he bought the other half. It's now parked out front. I promised him that we would take him to europe before he left for college. He's a high school junior. The tickets have been purchased, and reservations are made. I promised the universe that if he didn't go blind, and if he didn't die from ALD (which it turns out he didn't have, luckily), I would make sure to show him the world. He is going to Costa Rica in June.

I promised him that we would find a way to pay for college. I work at JHU, so we have a tuition grant for his schooling. I promised myself that he would be fairly self-sufficient before he leaves home. I still have some things to teach him before he leaves, and I am running out of time. Can he sew on a button? iron? change a tire? write a check? mop a floor?

I promised myself that he would know we love him. I think he does.

things are about to amp up

2010-11-01T17:31:00.004-05:00

Having just finished the busiest month I can remember in ages, both at work and at home, we begin the "holiday season". We have Thanksgiving and Christmas on the horizon. And it is clear, at least to me, that even lots of fun social activities are tiring. Work is extremely busy, so I find I am working more than usual. School will just get busier until it ends in mid December.

I am already tired. I need to find a way to re-charge, and re-energize. I'm going to start up with yoga again this weekend, and have added meditation to my routine. I have been walking at lunch whenever I can. Maybe that will do it. I suspect though, that what I need is a long break, and a lot of sleep.

one good day

2010-10-24T14:27:00.004-05:00

One good day can erase an entire week of stress and strain. I don't know how it works, but I do know that it does. Yesterday was perfect. Really. A beautiful day, with brilliant blue sky, perfect temperature. I had some morning time with my beloved husband, and then we went with friends to the American Visionary Museum for an exhibit "What makes us smile?". We laughed a lot, were amazed, impressed and amused. Can't ask for more from an art exhibit. We went upstairs and had a lovely brunch out on a terrace. Great food, even better company, and more talk and laughter. If we had gone home, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

Instead, we went to an MLA happy hour. Great conversation, good beer, good people. I could feel the stress just falling away. If we had just done this, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

We went home, I made dinner, and we watched a dumb movie together. And that was good too.

The whole day was full of laughter and love. A day like that goes a long way. It makes the hard days, the days full of work and struggle, all worth it.

taking another step on the path

2010-10-11T18:06:00.002-05:00

I have been on a path for several years, a sort of personal journey, to try and be a better person. I have focused on being grateful for what comes my way, on being charitable, on being kinder. I have tried to stifle the judgmental part of me, and be understanding of the behavior of others. I feel like I have made incremental progress, inching toward where I want to be.

This weekend, I took another step on the path. I've decided to commit to being a practicing Buddhist. I just don't feel like I can go much farther without leaning on the wisdom of others, and without a framework outside my own head. I accept the Four Noble Truths, will attempt to follow the 5 precepts, and will work on the eightfold path.

There -- I said it. It seems odd declaring publicly something that I think I've been doing privately for several years. And it smacks slightly of "religion" -- that thing I have avoided for decades. I don't think it really is a religion, not in the way most folks mean the term. It is a spiritual practice, and a spiritual example, but it does not involve worship, or an omnipotent deity, which would be deal-breakers for me. It doesn't even involve "faith" -- which is another word I avoid. Understanding, acceptance, patience, virtue, persistence, reverence, I can handle.

It's a little weird for me, and maybe even a little frightening. I have to give up some of my stubborn trust in my own self and my own way. I have to give up a measure of control, and that is so not my best thing. I have to accept help and guidance, also not my best thing. We'll see where this takes me.

freedom of speech

2010-10-07T15:56:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about freedom of speech lately. I think we have strayed a great deal from the original intent of this right. The freedom to dissent, to speak out against the government, to freely express political ideas is an amazing gift, one that protects and strengthens our democracy. It does not seem to me that freedom of speech extends to saying anything you want to anyone at any time, without consequence.

The Westboro Baptist Church has a right to say whatever vile thing they want about the war and it's causes. They have a right to do this in public. This doesn't mean they have the right to disrupt a private funeral with their protest. They can picket a courthouse, or the state house, or Congress. They can picket in front of the White House. They can hold a march or a rally to get their point across. No one is stopping them. They can't attend your wedding, or your birthday party, or grandma and grandpa's retirement party. They can't picket a serviceman's funeral, just because he died in service. That is insufficient to make it public property or a public event.

Saying they cannot protest at a funeral does not impinge on their freedom of speech. They are free to protest 364 other days of the year, or to picket 365 days in a different public location. They can talk to the press, get on the tv news, whatever. THeir message will unfortunately be heard. No one is stopping them. Just telling them they don't get to harm anyone else while exercising their right to free speech.

slowing it down

2010-10-03T11:09:00.002-05:00

People who know me, know I love change. So what I am feeling now is new, and oddly unsettling. I am actually hoping, wishing, that things would slow down, and not change so fast. Our son is growing so rapidly, and maturing at a pace that scares me. I can see him getting ready to be on his own, and I am not ready yet. I am taking my last class for school, and I just finished my forms for graduation in May. I really don't want it to be over. I see us aging, and I'm not ready for that yet either.

The biggest thing is that I am happy, really and truly happy. And I don't want that to change. I'd like to gather up everything and hold it, just as it is, for a long long time.

back on the wagon

2010-09-15T18:20:00.003-05:00

It's September, and that means it's time. I am back on the wagon again. Nope, not that wagon. The diet and exercise wagon. I am back to eating healthy and eating less. Low fat, low bad carbs. I am walking 45 minutes at lunch, with some of my co-workers, trying for 5 days a week. I am trying to walk on the weekends as well.

My typical meals:

breakfast -- steel cut oats made with fruit, six raw almonds on top
lunch - mini whole wheat bagel with smart balance peanut butter, an apple, a bonbel lite 1 oz cheese wheel, water
dinner - stir fry, brown rice
snack - slice of home made whole wheat/spelt apple zucchini bread (tastes better than it sounds)
I try to have another 16 oz of water during the day, 2 cups of black tea, 1 cup of green decaf tea, and a multivitamin

Trying to avoid regular white pasta, white rice, white bread, french fries, pizza, sugar

it's not awful, but I wake up starving every morning. I have lost 5 pounds so far. we'll see if I can keep it up long enough to make my goal, which would be to keep this up, both exercise and diet until thanksgiving. I also hope to lose another 12 pounds.

Of course, I say the same thing, and do the same thing every September.

Read the first amendment, please

2010-09-07T18:04:00.003-05:00

...stepping on soapbox now...

The first amendment to the Constitution of the United States was ratified in 1791. It guarantees freedom of religion. It GUARANTEES the freedom of religion. Got it? I hope so. This means we have NO NATIONAL RELIGION. We don't. We are not a CHRISTIAN NATION. We are a nation where everyone is free to worship in their own way, or in no way at all. This is part of our birthright as Americans. I can be a Muslim, and a true, patriotic American. I can be an Atheist, and be a true, patriotic American. I can be a Baptist, a Mormon, a Buddhist, and be a true, patriotic American.

My fellow Americans are supposed to respect that freedom. They are not supposed to cast aspersions on my patriotism because I worship in a different way. They are supposed to fight for my right to worship in my own way, and I am supposed to fight to see that their rights are equally respected.

This means that even if I disagree with your beliefs, even if I think you are a fucking moron, I acknowledge, respect, affirm your right to go to hell in a handbasket in your own unique way. I defend your right to believe what you want.

My rights end where my fist meets your nose, or where yours meets mine. I can believe whatever I want, I can worship how I want. You can believe what you want, you can worship how you want. You cannot do me harm through that worship, and I can't do you harm with mine. You can believe I am evil, you can pray for my eternal damnation, but you can't set fire to my church, you can't burn a cross on my lawn. You can't break the laws that protect us all, as part of worship. One freedom does not cancel out another.

I believe this extends to hateful acts. I think that burning religious texts of other faiths, when done publicly, is a hate crime. You want to burn a Quran in your fireplace. Go ahead, no one is watching you. If your faith demands it, go ahead. But make a big public bonfire, and toss the Quran into it, and you are committing a hate crime, punishable by law.

This is as it should be. Because the first amendment implies that we must embrace and accept religious diversity as part of our being American citizens.

---- stepping off soapbox now -----

what am I going to be when I grow up more?

2010-08-25T17:18:00.003-05:00

I am way too old for "what am I going to be when I grow up". I am now starting to turn my thoughts to what am I going to be farther down the road. I am retiring from my current job in 7 years. I will be 55 and eligible for retirement. I definitely want to take it, but at 55, I will be far too young to stop working.

So what's phase II? I don't think I want to stay in IT beyond that point. I have found it interesting, frustrating, challenging and boring, depending on the task and the day. It has been a good living, and I am thankful that I lucked into the field. It has afforded us a pretty nice life. But I have been doing it for more than 20 years, and that's plenty.

I am thinking community college administration, or some sort of administration of distance education programs. Maybe. Or Consulting. Business process re-design, maybe. I have 7 years to get the necessary credentials/education to do something different. So I don't have to rush to decide, but I do need to start thinking it that direction.

a walk in the woods

2010-08-08T17:24:00.002-05:00

The weather cooperated this weekend, and I got to spend some time in the outdoors. It makes such an immense difference to my mood. It really and truly restores my spirit. I feel in harmony with the world when I walk in the woods. The scent of damp earth, the crackle of leaves below my feet, the crunch of stone paths, the incredible green green smell of growing things. It wells up and fills every rough edge, every disjointed spot in my soul.

Sometimes I think the basic thing wrong with the world is that we are too removed from this. Simple things like wind on your skin, sun on your back, bird song filling your ears. We need it at a basic level, to remind us of who and what we are, and of our place in things. Spend too much time removed from it, and I think we forget. We start to see ourselves as bigger, stronger, smarter than we are, and then we start thinking off-shore drilling is no big thing, another skyscraper is just what we need, and we can master wind, water, earth.

We need to see ourselves as part of the natural world, not opposed to it or over it. The best way to do that is to just get out in it. GO OUTSIDE and play. It's good for you.

reunion thoughts

2010-08-01T10:14:00.003-05:00

I went to my 30th high school reunion last night. It's the first one I have been to. I haven't stayed in touch with more than one or two people, so it was an interesting experience.

I went to a very large suburban high school in a fairly wealthy area. My graduation class was over 700 people. It was filled with cliques, and I didn't really fit in anywhere.

I didn't have a good time in high school. I felt very different, an outside trying desperately to be an insider. I had a job from the time I was 15, and that left very little time for typical high school activities like clubs, sports or socializing. I dated very little, and usually only a few dates with any one person.

Wanting to fit in, I tried to hide large parts of my self. I pretended I was dumb, as much as possible. I even shaved points off my own test scores, getting a few wrong on purpose, so I wouldn't get 100s. I don't think anyone knew I was addicted to reading, and read just about everything I could get my hands on. I definitely hid my love of sci-fi/fantasy/comic books.

I desperately wanted to be blond, wear the right clothes, have the right boyfriend, go to parties and be cool.

Last night was fun. I got to see what 30 years does to change some things. And how some things don't change at all. I watched the cool girls, who pretended I didn't exist back then, still look right through me. 30 years ago, I found that crushing. Now I was kind of amused. Some of these women seemed so sad, so pathetic. I saw how some people blossomed, and some withered. The surprise successes and the equally shocking failures. Some folks hadn't seemed to grow or develop at all. In 30 years.

There were people I couldn't recognize at all, even though I knew them. And the same was true in reverse. There were people who remembered me, that I could not recall; and people I knew, who didn't remember. Some folks really did not age well at all; others looked better than they had in high school. It was like some vast science experiment -- we applied 30 years to this group, and here is what happened. Fun to observe, at least in the abstract.

I had been dreading going, really regretting that I had decided I needed to go. But I really did enjoy it. I loved the feeling that I was free. High school really is over and done with. The yardstick I used then measured all the wrong things and I could finally toss it out.

politics and the prosaic

2010-07-28T12:00:00.004-05:00

It really is beginning to bug me how the GOP is holding up all progress in Congress, and how spineless some of the Dems are in standing up to them. The idea that we can water down a bill, add concession after concession, and then it still doesn't pass. ARRRGGGHHHH. We need real change, and I am beginning to think it means a total overhaul of the rules. How do we get corporate money and the corporate agenda OUT of our politics? After 8 years of letting big money control our country, our economy is in the toilet, our world standing is in the gutter and we are barely speaking to each other. Clearly, the past attempts at letting corporations self-police, and doing whatever big business needs done, DID NOT WORK. How about we try something different?

When I can't control anything else, I retreat to my kitchen. So today's little recipe is for a very healthy tuna salad.

Tuna with White Bean Salad

3 cans of tuna packed in water, drained
1 15 oz can of cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
3-4 tbsp of italian parsley, chopped
2 tbsp of red onion, chopped fine
2 tbsp of olive oil
1 tbsp of newmans lemon/olive oil dressing
black pepper to taste

mix well, serve on lettuce, or make sandwiches.

48...

2010-07-22T11:29:00.002-05:00

Today, I turned 48. I thought it might depress me, but it didn't. It did make me think, though. what have I done, what haven't I done? I have very few regrets. And most of those center on times when I did things I knew were wrong, or when I didn't do things that were hard.

I still have lots of things on my bucket list: travel lots more, learn to ride a horse, get scuba certified, finish my master's degree, write a book, take voice lessons (not so I can sing well, but so I can sing AT ALL), drive across the country, visit all the national parks, hold a grandchild

and I have goals, mostly around shape: get in shape, get my finances in shape, get my house in shape

I know myself better now than I did even 5 years ago. I am comfortable with who I am, and how I am. I am more confident. I can ask for help occasionally. I can say NO and mean it. I can let people take care of themselves. I don't have to run everything.

To me, this is my best age -- the age of contentment.

16!!

2010-07-16T16:34:00.002-05:00

Today our son is 16 years old. I find this remarkable for lots and lots of different reasons. It seems impossible that I am 16 years older. It seems impossible that the little baby boy I brought home from the hospital could possibly have morphed into this lanky young man. How could he have changed so much in such a little bit of time?

All I know is that I have gotten so much more out of the whole parent thing than I ever expected that I could. I am madly in love with my husband, so I thought I understood this "love" thing. I didn't know there was a very different kind of love, and that I could feel it so strongly. I didn't know that I had so much to learn. I didn't know there were so many experiences that I had missed.

I knew kids changed your life. I just didn't know how much. And I didn't know how wonderful the whole journey would be.

Today, I am grateful. And I thank our boy for 16 amazing, incredible years of joy.

so much more

2010-07-05T17:51:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a much needed break for me. I did a lot of puttering, spent time with family, got together with friends, ate, drank, read a lot. I got some rest. And as a result, I got a nice attitude adjustment.

Life is so much more than I ever expected, so much richer, and fuller than I ever thought it would be. I have exceeded all but my wildest childhood dreams. How many people can say that?

obsessing about the new

2010-06-28T11:51:00.003-05:00

I am going through another wave of obsessing about the new. For those who don't know me well, this is a period where I start wanting a new job, or a new house or a new car or a new career goal. Every few years I go through this. Sometimes it leads to a new house or a new job or a new car. I really can't do any of those things right now, and I know it.

I want to stay at my current job, so that we can pay for college for our son. I want to stay in the house I am in because really, I love it, and the neighborhood it's in. I would love a new car, but I really don't need a car payment.

At the same time, while I KNOW all this to be true, I am obsessively looking at ads for mountain cabins, visiting car websites and reading reviews, looking at want ads, and position vacancies. Because knowing I can't or more truthfully, shouldn't, doesn't mean that I want to shake things up any less. In fact, it makes it worse.

It really isn't about "new" and it isn't about dissatisfaction. It's about choices making other choices unavailable. It's about that innate thing I have that makes me push back when pushed. That makes me say NO, even when I want to say YES, just because I am being pushed to say YES. It's a universal "you're not the boss of me". You can't make me, even if it's "you can't make me" do what I want to do. Senseless, but there it is.

Just because you understand what makes you do what you do, just because you recognize your own patterns, or can see your own flaws, doesn't mean you can change them.

cubanos

2010-06-19T15:03:00.002-05:00

Cubanos

just a really satisfying summer meal/sandwich.

Ingredients:
thin sliced smoked ham (3 slices per sub)
roast pork loin (great way to use leftover roast pork, 3 thin slices per sub)
bread and butter sandwich slice pickles (2-3 per sub)
jarlsberg or other good swiss cheese, sliced (1.5 slices per sub)
dijon mustard
butter
sub rolls (1 per serving)

Directions:

split the sub rolls and spread open
butter one side and spread dijon mustard on the other
starting from the mustard side, place 3 slices of ham, then 1 1/2 slices of swiss, then bread and butter pickles, then 3 thin slices of roast pork. close up the sandwich. (and yes, the order really does matter, but I don't know why)

Heat a large frying pan over medium heat,

add 1-2 tsp of butter
place the subs in the pan
Place a very heavy pan on top of the subs (or a tinfoil wrapped brick or two -- poor man's panini press)
cook 2-3 minutes per side, or until crisp and brown and the cheese has melted

you can also use a pannini press instead (it's easier, but not nearly as interesting as coming up with your own weights)

serve with sweet potato fries, vinegar-based slaw or black beans and rice with sauteed greens

vanity

2010-06-15T17:45:00.002-05:00

I really try to accept myself as I am. I really do. I have resisted the stray urges to enhance, fix, fake, color, reduce. But I am struggling mightily in the last few weeks. I have... a potbelly. I have been fatter than I am now. I have been more out of shape. And through all of those phases, I have never, EVER, had a belly. And now I do. A noticeable, round, tummy bulge.

I suspect age and genetics rearing their ugly heads in this. Instead of gaining weight in my ass, or my thighs, the places I have always gracefully carried my extra poundage, I am watching this round little tummy thing happening. And I hate it. I find it embarrassing, disturbing, as if my body is publicly betraying me. And I am not sure how to counter it. I have relatives who have taken on this shape, at about my age. What if this is just what my body is programmed to do.

I think I am about to become addicted to situps and crunches. Maybe that will help. But what if it doesn't? What if I end up a barrel-shaped Italian peasant woman? what then?

farmer's market breakfast

2010-06-13T09:45:00.002-05:00

This time of year is wonderful, if you like to cook. There are just so many wonderful fruits and vegetables available. This morning's breakfast comes courtesy of the farmer's market.

Ingredients:

fresh apricots

multigrain ciabatta
low fat whipped cream cheese
zucchini
yellow squash
onion
1 egg + 1 egg white
olive oil
pinch of rosemary

Directions:
cut fresh apricots into quarters and set aside

split the ciabatta and spread one side with whipped cream cheese

heat tbsp of olive oil in pan
add thin sliced zucchini and yellow squash (less than 1/2 cup total)
add very thin sliced onion
saute until soft
add pinch of rosemary, salt and pepper
beat egg and egg white together, then add to pan
cook (scramble or omelet, makes no difference) just until egg sets
place on roll, serve with apricots on the side

why I hate BP

2010-06-10T18:19:00.002-05:00

I try not to waste time or effort in hating anything or anyone. But I feel an uncharacteristic emotion when I watch footage of the Gulf Oil Spill -- hate. Absolute venom for those responsible for what I can only view as a desecration. I don't use the word lightly. I am an unbeliever, an atheist, for lack of a better word. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in worship or prayer. But I do love the earth and all it's myriad living things, in a deeply profoundly spiritual way. The Earth is my religion.

And BP has done an unspeakable thing to my planet. It may be 40 years, 50 years, before the Gulf can recover, if it can recover. Rationally I know this is not just BP's fault. It is the fault of regulators, of employees, of management, of our own insatiable desire for cheap and plentiful gasoline. I know that. Really. But I don't FEEL it.

What I feel is rage. I actually understood the guy who urged everyone to go pee on BP gas stations. I think it's petty, but I understood. I want BP to pay, to suffer, like my beautiful and beloved Gulf is suffering. I want them bankrupt, the CEO fired, criminal charges filed. I really do.

This isn't the kind of person I want to be. And these are not the emotions I want to feel. I just can't seem to summon up kindness, or empathy or understanding right now. Maybe in a few months. But not now.

a perfect meal

2010-06-08T18:31:00.003-05:00

I have cooked a lot of meals. Once in a while, I feel like I have gotten it as good as it's going to get. Tonight was one of those.

The menu: vidalia onion tart, oven roasted asparagus, sliced tomatoes from the farmer's market.

ingredients:

1 pound fresh asparagus, bottom inch of spears removed
tbsp olive oil
salt
pepper

4 large vidalia onions
tbsp olive oil
4-6 oz of gruyere cheese
1 pillsbury refrigerated pie crust
1/2 tsp of rosemary

2-3 fresh tomatoes, cut into wedges, sprinkled with salt and pepper

in an ovenproof pan, place asparagus. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast 30-45 minutes in a 350 degree oven (longer if you like more tender)

while the asparagus is roasting, saute 4 large vidalia onions in a tbsp of olive oil. Cook the onions until soft, but not browned. Add a pinch of rosemary, salt and pepper and cook another minute

grate 4-6oz of gruyere cheese
place a pillsbury refrigerated pie crust on a cookie sheet. sprinkle a third of the cheese on the crust, keeping about 1/2 inch of outer edge of crust cheese free.
top with the sauteed onions.
top with remaining cheese.
fold the outer edges of the crust up and over,pinching lightly to hold in place, to make a rustic tart
Bake for 30-45 minutes until crust is lightly browned.

serve with asparagus, sliced fresh tomatoes.

time slips into the future

2010-06-07T17:45:00.004-05:00

This week has been a reminder of the steady passage of time. I have a reunion looming -- my 30th high school reunion is in July. Our son is finishing 10th grade, a school year that went by in the blink of an eye. I registered him for driver's ed classes. A dear friend's mom passed away. Co-workers left for other jobs. I registered myself for my last graduate class in the Fall.

Time slips by so quickly. I see flickers of my own mortality in that realization. Contrary to the avowals of my younger self, I really am going to go someday.While I hope that someday is very far in the future, I cannot deny that there is an end to all things. What will people say about my life? Will I look back with regret, or satisfaction? Will my being here have mattered in any real fashion?

I wonder.

time for an old idea

2010-06-01T17:21:00.002-05:00

It's time for an old idea to gain traction again. It's time we considered shunning, or social exile, as a way of expressing our extreme disapproval with a person's behavior. A person sells drugs on your corner? Shun him. His family, his friends, his neighbors, should all refuse to have anything to do with him until he mends his ways. We could clean up our neighborhoods pretty quickly. Everyone wants approval from someone -- from a friend, from a mom or grandmom, from a neighbor. What happens when they don't get it? What happens when you are excluded from everything? When people around you won't look at you, won't say hello, ignore you like you aren't even there?

I'm not expecting shame from the perpetrators. I think many are incapable of feeling it or acting on it. I do expect that even a hardened criminal can't live without social contact, without anyone at all.

hope in the singular

2010-05-27T17:41:00.002-05:00

I love people. I really do. But individually, not groups. I have little faith in groups of people -- I distrust Congress, companies, crowds, the majority, the congregation. So many seem to abandon themselves to the collective will, and in so doing, lose their individual values. Groups seem capable of actions that a person would never contemplate. Lynchings, torture, genocide, war; all actions of the group.

But where I distrust the hordes, people, in the singular, are my hope for the future.

A single person can turn the tide of history. A single act of kindness can change someone's life. I hold onto these truths, and use them as my touchstone in difficult times. Always and everywhere, there are good people. Single voices raised against the darkness. Our future, our hope.

the oil spill as object lesson

2010-05-20T18:19:00.002-05:00

The recent oil spill in the Gulf is an object lesson -- corporations exist in opposition to public welfare. The problem is that the corporation is like a virus; it's sole purpose is to grow and survive. Corporations cannot consider ethics, or public well-being, just CAN'T, unless this can be seen to be beneficial to growth and or profit. This is not because the corporation is blind, or callous, but because legally it exists to benefit its shareholders, and only its shareholders. Spending corporate profits to install protective devices to safeguard wetlands is a poor corporate decision, but a good decision from a human standpoint. The cost of the clean-up may change the corporate cost/benefit analysis, but probably not.

Private companies can make choices that benefit the community, or the planet, because the owners can decide to reduce profits, or slow growth, if they choose. They can operate ethically, be loyal to employees or customers, because they are controlled by the owners. This is not to say that all private companies are good, and all corporates are bad. There are corporations who feel their long term profits and growth are tied to being good citizens and stewards. And their are private companies that rival BP in their quest for profits above all else.

But companies can at least ask the right questions. The corporation can't even ask.

selective default?

2010-05-10T18:23:00.002-05:00

I was watching TV the other night, and I saw a story on "selective defaulting". This is where you walk away from your mortgage because your house is worth less than you owe on it. This is different than foreclosure or defaulting, where you cannot make payments because your circumstances have changed. No, these people CAN pay, they just don't want to.

This bugs me. You borrowed the money. The bank agreed to lend it to you. You agreed to pay the loan back at so much money per month for the term of the loan. The bank does not promise you that you will make money on your investment. Some investments don't work out. You can look at my stock purchase of CISCO at the absolute peak of the internet bubble as an example. I bought stock for over $300 a share, because it was a "can't lose" proposition. Analysts rated it a "buy" when I bought it. It's worth about $40 a share now. That's how the universe works sometimes.

When you walk away from a debt that you have the means to pay, you are cheating the system, and to a lesser extent, you are cheating all of us. Because the money comes from somewhere. When you stick the bank with a worthless property, instead of paying your obligations, the bank has to charge more for services, or tighten up on foreclosures, or give fewer loans, or fail. When you signed those loan papers, you gave your word. You promised that you would pay off what you borrowed.

To be clear, I am not talking about people stuck in the nightmare of foreclosure or bankruptcy. If you can't pay, you can't pay. Shit happens. You aren't in control of all the circumstances of your life. People get sick. They lose jobs. They suffer runs of bad luck that eat at savings. The agreement with the bank says you will pay if you are able, and the bank will foreclose if you can't. In bankruptcy or foreclosure, both parties have held up their sides of the agreement.

This is different than the people who simply "walk away" from their responsibilities; the ones that have the means, have the ability to make payments but just don't want to. Be ethical, be responsible, and pay what you owe. Otherwise you are no better than the wall street thieves that helped cause the housing crisis, and almost destroyed our economy.

Largo's Airedale Spotlight

2010-05-05T17:45:00.004-05:00

One of our facebook groups has picked Largo for it's spotlight airedale. Every dog owner gets the spotlight eventually, it was just our turn. I had to write his "story" for it, so I thought I'd post what I wrote here.

Largo is our first airedale. He is also our first dog. For years, we didn't get a dog because of my husband's allergies. And then we had a child, and thought he was too young for a dog. Then we moved to Baltimore City. Our nieghborhood has sidewalks, and trees, and big yards. And dogs. LOTs of dogs. Seems every neighbor had a dog. Before too long, my husband, who works at home, decided he "needed" a dog for company. Our son was older, and he too wanted a dog. And I had wanted one all along. So we started searching for a breed. We wanted something not too small, active, hypo-allergenic. We put all our searching into identifying the breed, not so much on a breeder.

We did absolutely everything wrong. I found an ad on-line, an airedale hobby breeder had puppies available. The price was right. So my husband and I drove out to West Virginia (way, way out) to a little farmette. And they had airedale pups. One little 'dale came running from the edge of the pond, and leapt on my husband. He was just so joyful. We named him Largo, after a character in a web comic called MegaTokyo, and fell in love. What we did not do was check into breeding records, get a health guarantee or a first check-up before buying our pup. We were too excited to drive him home.

Largo had lived in a barn with his brothers and sisters, but he had gotten house time, and family time.He had a pond to splash in, but hadn't learned to swim. He had also had some hunting "training" -- they shot shotguns over the pups heads so they would get used to the sound. This turned out to be perfect training for city life. Largo does not mind firecrackers, or gunshots.

We settled in right away. Largo was housebroken in two days. He hated going inside, he was so used to the "great outdoors" that he only likes going on grass. He tried to make friends with our cats, but they weren't overjoyed by his efforts. He was always trying to lick their faces. They were not amused.
We figured to have a long happy life together. He seemed a little low energy compared to what we had read, but that was okay. He was plenty energetic for us.

we took him for his first puppy checkup, and our bubble burst. Largo had a severe heart murmur. We got a referral to a cardiologist, and had a cardiac workup. Largo had a hole in his heart, a genetic defect called VSD. This means he wasn't getting enough oxygen in his blood. It wasn't fixable, but it wasn't fatal either. We would have to let Largo decide how much activity was enough. Oh yeah, and he shouldn't have anesthesia.

Which caused problem 2. Largo needed to be neutered. The vet decided the operation was so short, that Largo should be fine. His heart stopped almost immediately, and he needed an injection to jump start him. They were able to finish the neutering, but it would be his last operation. Period.

Since then,we have had a lot of vet visits. Largo is what happens when breeders don't really know what they are doing. He has hip dyplasia, first detected at six months. He has chronic eye infections, because his eyelids are too deep. He is night blind. He has had a wicked bout of pancreatitis. He has arthritis in his back and hips, despite being only 4 years old.

BUT. We would do it all again. All of it. Because whatever the breeder did wrong, she did something very right. Her dogs are bred for temperament, and it really really shows. Largo is charm personified. He is good with other dogs, with cats, with babies, toddlers, old folks. We take him to a lot of concerts, festivals, city events. He works the crowd like an old school politician. He poses for pictures, kisses the babies, shakes hands. He lets toddlers pull his ears, and stick their fingers in his nose. He doesn't mind the noise or the crowds. He loves it.

Despite his huge size (a 101 pounds as of this week), he is a perfect looking 'dale. He has literally stopped traffic. We have had cars stop on the street, roll down their windows, and ask what kind of dog he is. Or can they pull over and pet him. We still laugh about the woman who pulled her car over, parked, and asked if she could SMELL our dog. Seriously. She sniffed him, much to the embarassment of her teenaged son, who was sitting in the car. We had a group of Japanese tourists take their picture with him, each one posing with him individually. Somewhere in Japan, there are a lot of vacation albums with pictures of Largo.

He is joyful. He would rather play than anything. Even on days when he can barely walk, he will carry around a tennis ball, hoping he can con someone into throwing it for him. He is always up for a car ride, a walk, a splash in the river. He never did learn to swim. He does like to wade though. If his ball floats into deep water, he just tries to drink the whole lake to bring it back. He likes to chase rabbits and squirrels, even though he hasn't got a prayer of catching anything.

He can't jump, so has never been on the sofa, or on the bed. We have to pick him up to put him in the car. Our backyard only has a 3 ft fence, and that's plenty to keep Largo in bounds. He can get into the bathtub, but can't easily get out.

Largo hates to cuddle, won't sit on a lap, doesn't give kisses, but if he leans against you, or gives you a head-butt, you know you are loved. He will sometimes sleep with his head on our feet, and it makes you feel like you won something.

He is loyal, protective, stubborn, smart as can be. He is a perfect 'dale, and we wouldn't trade him for anything.