we don't torture

We don't torture people here in Amurrriccca. We slap, simulate drowing, waterboard, sleep deprive, use sensory deprivation, force prisoners to endure freezing temperatures. But we don't torture.

According to our beloved leader (the Shrub), we just interrogate, and we get some pretty darned good information too.

Thank god the government is there to keep us safe. I am so happy they are willing to act like a third world dictatorship if need be, just to make sure the bad guys don't get me. I sleep so much better knowing there is no depth this administration will not sink to in order to "protect the people".

Whatever happened to decency? Whatever happened to the idea that the ends DO NOT JUSTIFY the means??

Americans are prudes

Americans are prudes -- about money. It really is the last taboo in our culture. You can go on Dr Phil and spill all the details of your sex life, or discuss all your mental health problems. People go into great depth and detail about private medical procedures, what got cut where, added, nipped, tucked. But money? No way.

Think about it. You probably guess at what your colleagues and co-workers get paid. You thumbnail the neighbor's income in proportion to your own. But you don't know. Because it is the one private thing in our entire culture.

I wonder why? What's the big secret? Are we afraid of being seen as bragging? Or are we afraid we aren't measuring up? Do we fear envy? Do we think people will judge us harshly?

I was thinking about it the other day. We may try to apply for financial aid for our son's schooling. But I am uncomfortable with having to disclose our finances to strangers. And that's weird. I am, as people who know me will attest, not usually uncomfortable about ANY topic of discussion. And still, the idea bugs me more than if I let strangers rifle through my underwear drawer. How odd is that?

So, ideas? Why the cultural taboo? Are there good reasons for it?

picking schools -- how do parents decide?

We are thinking of mainstreaming our child for high school. Currently, he is in a very good private school for bright kids with moderate to severe learning disabilities. He has made phenomenal progress since he began at the school. But.

The school is very successful at placing kids in college. Our concern is that our son will be totally unprepared for the transition, and while he might get in, he won't succeed there. I also am feeling like he is not being challenged academically where he is. And some opportunities are just non-existent or limited. The school has 130 students in grades 1-12. They offer just two computer courses (tech 1 and advanced tech), our son's biggest interest. They can offer very little in the way of clubs, sports, electives. And socially, his entire grade is about 30 kids, most of whom he has known since 4th grade. This means he has very close friends, and knows everyone, but it also limits meeting new people, moving from one social group to another, experimenting with who and what you are (like being from a really small town).

On the other hand,he is thriving where he is. And his learning disabilities are still there. He reads at a 12th grade level, but writes at about a 3rd/4th grade level. His vocab tests out as post-graduate, but his spelling is in the 2nd grade range. In math and science, he is about where an average 8th grader is... He still has motor skill issues, goes to occupational and speech language therapy once a week for intensive services.

So how do we decide what to do? We are at a break point, as far as deciding. If he is going to another school, we must apply by December 1 of this year, or not at all. The schools have openings for 9th grade, but waiting lists for grades 10, and no admissions for 11th and 12th. We would have to go through the testing process, the shadow days, everything by the end of November.

Its a huge decision, one that can affect the next 4 years, and potentially his whole life. How the hell do we decide? What's best? What if we are wrong?

save the cheerleader, save the world

We have a brand new addiction at my house -- HEROES. This is some of the best TV I have EVER seen. We bought Season 1 on DVD, and have been watching it in 3-4 episode sets. Even if you are not a "TV person", this is worth a look. And if you like comic books, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries... I think you'll love this. You definitely need to see all the episodes though, and in order. The show isn't linear, so some episodes would make no sense whatsoever, unless you had seen the previous ones.

Hiro Nakamura is one of my favorite characters of all time, all genres.

Watch it, and tell me what you think.

the Jena 6

I told someone recently that I thought we had moved beyond the point where race was a deciding factor. The context was the presidential election and Barak Obama's chances. In view of the activities in Jena, Lousiana this week, I am now less sure aobut my statements.

The facts are few in the case. A black student at a high school asked if it was okay for him to sit under the white's tree in the schoolyard. An administrator said he could sit wherever he wants. In response, some kids put three nooses hanging up from that tree, to show what they thought about the idea. Adminstrators called it a harmless prank. Racial tensions ran high. A few black students beat up a white student. The injured student was treated in a hospital and released. Six of the black students were arrested, and initally charged with attempted murder. The charge was reduced to aggravated assault.

One student has now been in jail for over 6 months. He was charged as an adult, and couldn't post bond.

The six kids should be disciplined for the fight, beyond question. I think that's fair. And maybe juvenile court is the appropriate venue for adjudicating this. However a lot of things were not done or done poorly in this whole incident. Nooses from a tree in the deep South can never be seen as a harmless prank. The memories run too deep, the scars are too recent, to see this as anything but a racist threat. However, the threat came from kids, stupid kids, but kids. And the reaction came from kids, maybe frightened, but definitely angry, kids. So what we really have is a fistfight between kids erupting out of a highly charged atmosphere.

And then we have a prosecutor who has taken this to a whole other level. No weapons were used in this fight, the kids were all under eighteen, and all in an emotionally charged situation. To bring adult charges, and serious ones at that, into this is wrong. And I can't see a reason for it except racism.

On the news last night, I saw a Jena resident being interviewed. He said there was no reason for all these people (protestors) to come to his town. He said they weren't racists, didn't have a race problem. And maybe he doesn't. But why does the town have a "white's tree"? and why did three kids come up with the idea of hanging nooses? There is more trouble there than they want to look at in the daylight, I think.

So free the Jena 6. And bring in some counselors to talk to all these kids before it gets worse. Remind them that teenagers are supposed to hate adults, not each other.

one of the greatest lines ever

From Les Fleurs du Mal by Baudelaire, translated:

I am the vampire of my own heart

Isn't that awesome? I infinitely preferred it to the other translation we read:

I am my own heart's vampire

the first just sings, doesn't it?

reading list for this semester

I am taking a course in Evil this semester, focusing on Greek Tragedy through Gothic Tales. The reading list is amazing, although very heavy for 12 weeks of school.

Here it is:

Agamemnon, Aeschylus
Medea, Euripides
Othello, Shakespeare
King Lear, Shakespeare
The Wild Duck, Ibsen
Candide, Voltaire
Frankenstein, Shelley
Wuthering Heights, Bronte
The Picture of Dorian Gray, Wilde
William Wilson, Poe
Rappacini's Daughter, Hawthorne
The Turn of the Screw, James
and poems by Shakespeare, Poe and Baudelaire

Yes, we have to read and discuss all of them. In twelve weeks. And we have two papers, one 8-10 pages, and one 18-20, both with oral presentations.

I think this may be the last r&r type weekend I can indulge in for a while. But I have to admit, this stuff jazzes me. I am looking forward to a great semester.

such a geek

I am such a geek! I just walked over to Staples and bought school supplies, for me. I still get tickled when I buy school supplies, just like I have every school year of my life. I got a new notebook, an accordian file thingy to put the notebook in, and new pens. There is something so enticing about a new notebook, with all those blank pages. It's all potential, all possibilities. And new pens, almost an invitation. In a month, it will be a mess, with papers stuffed everywhere, horribly cryptic notes that seemed really important at the time, odd doodles that probably reveal way too much about the state of my psyche, food stains, tea stains.

But today, today everything is fresh and new and ready for whatever comes.

through the wringer, again

As some of you know, my parents have been going through divorce proceedings. They have been married, mostly miserably, for 46 years. My father is 68. My mother is 75. The last few months have been extremely stressful. My brother, sister and I have been caught in an emotional wringer since May.

Today my mother called me, to tell me the "good news". My dad is moving back home. The divorce is off. I'd like to slap them both silly. Mom was disappointed that I was not overjoyed. My father is looking forward to us all being a family again.

I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel immense relief. I am off the hook. I don't have to worry what is going to happen to Mom, and I can stop calling her every week. She can stop calling me at work. She isn't going to slit her wrists or drop dead of a heart attack, or get locked in the loony bin. She can be Dad's responsibility and his headache.

On the other hand, I am furious. This is the third time I have been through the parental reconciliation routine. Each time I find out more than a child should know about their parents. Each time, I am supposed to forget everything that has happened and go back to the myth of the "happy family". And I am so tired of the pattern. My parents are bad together. They are unhappy and it shows. They pick at each other mercilessly and it is unpleasant to be around. Each time we have been through this I have lost more respect for the both of them as people, and have locked away a little bit more of my emotion and my trust.

I just don't think I can go through all this again. I don't think I can sit down to holiday supper and pretend we are all so happy to be together. Is it better to have damaged parents or no parents? am I ready to orphan myself? Is it in me to just accept them as is? I really don't know...

a new school year

Our son has started 8th grade. 8th GRADE!!! Holy crap, batman, how did that happen? In the last few months he has grown 4 inches. His voice has changed, settling into a fairly deep range we hadn't expected. He could use a shave. He is more confident and more mature. He has a life I have no part of, where I used to know everything.

Recently a friend called him, and I asked him afterwards what she wanted. He looked at me, and said "why do you need to know?" I thought about it, and told him I didn't. It's just a hard habit to break. I'm just not used to not being involved in all his life. I am trying to give him more space, more privacy, more responsibility, but I keep stumbling back into old ways.

It's neat though, to watch the adult start to emerge. When he was little, I could never picture him grown up, and now I can. He can be fun to talk to now, and he makes some interesting points. He has a pretty wicked sense of humor. He is still awfully uncomfortable talking with grownups he doesn't know, or doesn't know well, but he has become very relaxed around other teens. He is a smart-ass, and I worry where this will lead. Of course, he comes by that honestly, although I swear I curb all of that in front of him. Must be genetic.

He has a good heart, and I think he will be a nice man when he grows up.

places I've been

I don't know why I started this list, but here it is.

The places I've been, outside of my home state:

Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Virginia, DC, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Indiana, West Virginia, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Missouri, Colorado, California, Mexico, Nova Scotia, Belize, Italy, Germany, France, Switzerland.

I have also set foot in Iceland and England, although I never left the airports.

Where I still want to go:

Spain, Portugal, Canada, all the rest of the US including Alaska and Hawaii, Australia, New Zealand, Africa, Greece, Madagascar, Costa Rica, the Galapagos, Peru, Ireland, England and Iceland, St John, St Lucia, the Bahamas, Japan, China. Pretty much everywhere I haven't been, I think.

And then I want to revisit all my favorites.

buh-bye!!!

Gonzalez resigned yesterday. Was I the only one who heard a chorus of "ding-dong, the witch is dead" in their heads when they heard the news?? Most of the Texas mafia has gone back to the ranch, so to speak. Other than Cheney, Bush has none of his original gang with him. Now if Cheney would just get arrested for something, say soliciting in the men's room.... that would be the cherry on the sundae for me. Oh yeah, while I'm dreaming, how about Bush getting impeached?

So back to reality. We have a mayoral primary in two weeks. I don't really really like anybody running. I'll still vote, though, and pick the lesser of evils, whoever that turns out to be. As to the BIG ELECTION, hmmmm. I heard Obama on the Daily Show, and I have to say I like the guy more every time I hear him speak. My head still says Hilary is the better choice, if it comes down to the two of them -- I just don't like her much. Doesn't mean she'd be a bad president, though. I revere Jimmy Carter, and look how well that turned out. The only thing I know for sure at this point, is that I will vote for a Democrat in the general election, and whoever the Dems put forth will have to be okay with me.

we have returned!

Paris was wonderful. A welcome respite, a beautiful city, lovely people, magnificent art and architecture, good food.

I have an enormous quantity of pix up at ofoto
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=vvaihye.856bw2ym&x=0&y=-lsvpke

Among my discoveries this last week:

despite 25 years of marriage, I still like hanging out with my husband
the French are nice people
Graffiti is everywhere
American CRAP is everywhere (mcdonald's, daddy day care movies, the GAP, footlocker)
City gardens can be beautiful, and beautifully maintained, if the city cares enough
a metro train in Paris and a metro train in Washington DC are virtually indistinguishable
You can have too much good food
Japanese tourists are horrible in groups
a ham and cheese sandwich tastes better when it is a baguette avec jambon et emmenthal
restaurants in Paris do not have no-smoking sections, or no smoking
You can eat like a pig, ingest horribly fatty foods and be reed thin, if you are a parisian woman
hot tea is a civilized custom, available at fine eating establishments everywhere
hot chocolate can be magnifique
you never get tired of good croissants, no matter how many you eat
art transcends
you can walk too much
Rodin was a genius, ditto Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Leonardo, Vermeer
flying still sucks
Iceland looks like a cool place to visit
my child actually likes me and misses me when I am gone
ditto the dog

It was great to go, and it is good to be home.

Stardust

Go see it. More than once. Then buy it when it comes out on video. No, Neil Gaiman is not paying me to say this.

I LOVED this movie. LOVED IT. I definitely am going to buy it, and when we get back from Paris, if it is still playing in theaters, I will go see it again.

It kept all the flavor of the book, all the heart and soul of the thing. That rarely happens when a favorite book leaps to the big screen. If you don't believe me, wait until you see the trailers for the Dark is Rising. They butchered the book, and they won't get a dime from me.

But Stardust is what a movie can be, if everyone respects where it came from.

in a dither

I am in a dither today. We are leaving for Paris in 6 days. Now I absolutely LOVE travelling, but I HATE the travel part. I loathe flying. I am terrified the whole time I am in the air. I HATE packing, particulary when I have to limit what I take. My husband and I squabble -- something we almost never do.

Unfortunately, I can't get to all the places I want to go, unless I pack, get on an f--ing plane and fly. I want the transporter created now. I want to step on a lighted disk on the floor, have someone say 'engage' and be halfway across the planet. Then I would get two more days in Paris, because I would eliminate the travel time.

Why do shoes take up so much room? really, how can I go with one pair of shoes? I need sneakers for walking, but can't really wear them everywhere, or with everything. And they have different electric there? or at least different connectors... how much cash should I take? what about pickpockets?

dither, dither, dither.

summer movies

It's official. I have seen more movies in the last few months than I saw in my first 18 years of life. SpiderMan 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Fantastic Four, Ghostrider, Live Free or Die Hard, The Simpsons Movie, Harry Potter... and more to come: Stardust, Golden Compass, Bourne Ultimatum.

As a child, we didn't go to the movies much. Once or twice for some kid's birthday, once when my father snuck out with a friend and took the little ones to see Goldfinger, and as a teen I saw Star Wars, Silent Movie and Young Frankenstein and Moonraker... not a ton of movies in total.

Now, I can walk to a wonderful old single-screen theater. We go as often as we can. And we can drive to a horrible multiplex that nevertheless gets all the big movies. We go to an anime convention, and get our anime fix in that way. And we rent from the Blockbuster a mile up the road.

All three of us love movies, so it's good quality family time. And we can now discuss what we see together, which has been a lot of fun. Of course, being who we are, there is also food involved. We typically do dinner and a movie, or movie snacks and a movie (popcorn, sourpatches for the kid, raisinets for me...), so it makes for a fun evening. We still struggle to find things we all want to see, or that we all CAN see. We still veto R movies for our son, although I think now it's less because we think he can't handle the content, and more that WE can't handle him handling the content... but for now, we almost always say NO to the R-rated flicks.

He vetoes the G rated films, or anything he thinks is too childish or babyish. So I didn't get to see Transformers, because he thought it was for little kids. No amount of persuasion made a difference. Little kids watch the cartoon, and play with the toys, so NO WAY was he GOING TO BE CAUGHT DEAD going to see it. Yes, we can go without him. But we are doing lots of things without him already, and I really don't want us to spend more time apart if I can help it. Not while he still is okay with hanging out with us on occasion. And I didn't get to see the most recent Ninja Turtles movie, although apparently no one else saw it either. And I didn't get to see Happy Feet. Or anything with animated penguins.

But still, I am HAPPY. I got to see lots of fun fun stuff, and there is more where that came from. MOVIES!!!!

RELIEF

Relief is an astounding sensation. It is like settling back into your own skin, after being stretched too taut. And I am much relieved this week.

I made my presentation to the eduWeb conference. It went well, and it is now OVER. I didn't embarass myself, my institution or my planet. When I do give a talk, this is what I hope for.

I finished Harry Potter, and am satisfied with the ending. I won't do details here, because I don't want to wreck it for anyone. But I am RELIEVED that Rowling didn't botch the ending to this beloved series. I was almost afraid to read the book. I so didn't want to change my perception of the Harry Potter universe, and didn't want to be disappointed.

Otakon went well. There were no disasters or disappointments. My son is happy, happy, happy, and even has cash left over. This is a load off as well. I always worry when my child blows up a single event, magnifying it until it is birthday, Christmas, and everything rolled into one. What if he is disappointed? I know life is full of things that don't turn out, and that those things are always the best lessons. But I enjoy his happiness so much, and suffer with him when he suffers, so WHEW!!! he had fun.

Even the weather has provided some psychic ease. Temperatures have dropped. The evenings have been pleasant. It's beautiful, with fireflies dancing and a gentle breeze....

sweet sweet relief!

in Communicado

I love to hang out in Communicado (and yes I know it's incommunicado, but it doesn't sound that way!). This weekend is a big one. I turn 45 on Sunday. We go to Otakon, the hugemongous anime/manga convention in Baltimore (22,000 plus attendees expected), and make my child the happiest child on the planet. And Harry Potter comes out!!!

I am significanly more excited about the Harry Potter book than I am about the other events. Not that I am not psyched up for the Con, it's just the LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK. EVER. AND I FINALLY get to see how it ENDS. I am going to read it all on Saturday night, even if I have to stay up all night to do it.

And you know what? When they open that Harry Potter themepark, I'm gonna go. I don't care if it is cheesy and commercial and and and. I am gonna ride the Hogwart's Express, and eat dinner in the main hall. I am, I am, I am.

Talk to you when I get back to reality, gang.

13!!!!

Thirteen years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Thirteen years ago, my life changed forever. I had no idea on that day how much richer and fuller my life would be because of one tiny little baby.

Today, our son is thirteen. He is half adult, half kid. He is smart, funny, charming. He is sullen and pouty and obnoxious. This is how it should be. No one is the person he is going to be at thirteen. But he is starting to take shape, and I see glimmers of the man he will become. Each day he takes another step toward that future, and is one step less the little boy I know so well.

I love him, I'm proud of him, and I am forever grateful that he came into our lives.

Happy Birthday little one.

the weather still rules

It's interesting to me. We have advanced so far, we send rockets into outer space, we have conquered diseases, extended our life spans, but we still are totally at the whim of the weather.

In the western part of the country, people are suffering from extremes of heat. Baker, CA is going to hit 125 degrees today. 125!!! Parts of Texas saw 18 inches of rain in 1 day. We have drought, floods, catastrophic storms.

We really aren't in charge. We don't rule the planet, the planet rules us. If we muck it up too badly, it can bite back. The things we take for granted -- our safety, adequate water, abundant food supplies -- can all disappear, and disappear quickly. Do you know how to find water? to hunt? grown your own food? make a meal from a handful of rice and beans?

Most folks know more about their cell phones than they do about how to survive. We are spoiled, out of shape, and totally unprepared for a harsher existence.

Makes you kinda wanna take care of the earth, don't it. Like maybe RIGHT NOW. Before it's too late....

All Hail King Shrub

All Hail King Shrub! The Bushlet has once again shown he feels himself above the system, above law, above ALL. He has commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby, with a royal wave of his hand.

What does it take to stop this man?? How can we as a people hold our government accountable, how can we have democracy, when the presidential powers have run amok?

Libby should serve the sentence the court meted out. And Bush should be turned out of office, and perhaps serve a term in prison as well.

all good things

What a difference a few days can make! I was really really down. Work was a grind. I was broke and looking at being broker. The dog was sick. I was worried about my sons grades. I got some odd bloodwork results. My best friend was looking at possibly losing her job. All bad things, all heaped on top of each other.

Now I am sitting on a day full of good things. My friend kept her job. I got a HUGE raise and a new title. My son got all As and Bs on his report card. The dog probably has a food allergy, nothing serious. The doctor says my test results are nothing to worry about.

WOW! I feel pounds lighter. All this mental crap I've been carrying around has just dissipated in the ether. I think I may actually get a good nights sleep for a change. If the universe is listening, I feel truly, deeply grateful.

68

My father just had a stent put in. He is 68. My mother also has a stent; hers was put in when she was...68. My paternal grandfather apparently died of coronary artery blockage at 69. I am no rocket scientist, but I see a pattern here.

I suddenly feel like I have a ticking time bomb inside of me. I am, knock on wood, very healthy as a general rule. I don't have chest pains, I don't smoke, I don't drink too much (too often). I eat a fairly healthy diet, watch my weight. I don't get enough exercise, but since we got the dog, I do get some walking every day.

But the number is there now, in my head. 68. Sixty-eight. Programmed somewhere in my DNA... or not. Maybe lifestyle can trump biology. Maybe. Maybe being aware of the land mine down the road can help me avoid it. Maybe.

the problem, as I see it, is, maybe not.

witricity

Not a typo. Folks at MIT have succeeded in powering a light bulb by electricity transmitted through the air. No wires. No wires AT ALL.

To me, this is amazing, science-fiction, world of tomorrow, type stuff. The idea is that eventually you could power all the electrical items in your home without wires, in much the same way that you can get an internet connection via WI-FI. So no more batteries, no more a/c adapters, no more chargers, for the cell phone, the pda, the laptop, the camera, the remote, etc. As long as you were close enough to a transmitter (or whatever they end up calling it), your stuff would just work.

I really really love this idea. And I love that they made it work. Now where the hell is my teleporter? I want MIT to work on that one.

another school year is at a close

Our son is finishing up 7th grade this week. I find this astonishing on many many levels. I can't be old enough to have a child in 7th grade. I once thought he wouldn't make it through 3rd grade, and here he is successfully navigating junior high. I don't know how we got here -- I swear the little guy was just a toddler playing in a baby pool, and now he can almost look me in the eye.

Being a parent causes a strange sort of time shift. You are suddenly ruled by the academic calendar again. I don't get summer vacation, but our son does. The rhythms of our life change every June, and again every September. We shop for swimsuits, or school supplies. We shift the time we leave in the morning, and the time we get home in the evening. There is an ebb and flow that is almost tidal, each year sweeping in and drawing back out, over and over again.

music and mood

This morning at work I have been treating myself to an entire day of music. I rarely get in more than an hour or two of listening in any given day, but I felt the need for a jump-start today. So, Stevie Wonder, Kool & the Gang, Doobie Brothers, Dr John, Isley Brothers, Everlast, Eminem, Madeleine Peyroux, the Replacements....

The affect on my mood is immediate, and powerful. I feel energized, positive. I feel like singing and dancing in my little office. I don't, of course, since I dance badly and sing even worse. It's also really hard to code while doing either one.

It is such a small small thing, and yet it makes all the difference. So, why? Why does music do what it does to me? I know there are people who don't really care for music, or even notice it much, but I find it hard to imagine. However it works, it bypasses thought. My internal editor doesn't even stick her little two cents in -- and that bitch comments on EVERYTHING. There is no filter. And the music I like is not cerebral. It does not engage the mind. It is visceral. I feel it.

Whatever it is, however it works, I love it. And I can't imagine being without it.

MERDE

I have started brushing up on my French, in preparation for a trip to Paris in August. It is amazing how little I retained from my few years of French lessons. I kept most of my Spanish, I think because I see so much more of it on a day to day basis. But French, not so much. I really only see a few menus in french, and an odd phrase here or there in a book or article. And I haven't HEARD any french in years and years.

I really only want to get back to the real basic, tourist level French. We would like the bill, what time is check-out, where is the bathroom. I would like another glass of wine. Yes, dessert would be lovely.

I have about 10 weeks to practice. Hopefully it will be enough.

civil liberties to a point

I read an interesting article today about the legal questions surrounding the quarantine of Jeremy Speakers, AKA the guy with the extreme drug resistant TB. Now the government infringes on civil liberties all the time, and I am the first to cry FOUL!. But not this time. One of the few purposes our government has is to protect its citizens. The CDC exists to protect the populace from outbreaks of disease. How can they do that, if they don't have the right to quarantine infected people?

Do we really want the CDC to have to petition a court before quarantining someone? Can we afford the time that takes? What kind of person, infected with something extremely contagious, would holler about his rights being infringed by quarantine? Sometimes the needs of the many really do outweigh the needs of the one. A plague can wipe out an entire population. The form of TB that Speakers has is nearly always fatal, unless caught extremely early, which is unlikely. His case was only diagnosed by mischance -- he hurt his ribs and had a chest x-ray. Otherwise he still wouldn't know he had the disease, and probably wouldn't, until symptoms had appeared and it was too late to treat. We were all very lucky, including Mr. Speakers. Let's hope he realizes this, and decides not to sue the government.

a new niece

We have a new niece - Hannah. I haven't seen pictures yet, but I already feel connected. Hannah is the brand new baby girl of my much beloved sis-in-law, Sue (my husband's sister). Sue is one of my favorite people on the planet, so in a real sense, what makes her happy makes me happy.

She is also one brave, brave woman. Sue is my age (we are actually 20 days apart in age). She has a husband, a five year old son, a dog, and now, a newborn baby. I cannot even contemplate being a new mom at 44. And being a working mom (a professor and researcher, no less!) on top of it, it takes a level of commitment I guess I just don't have. But I intend to admire it from a distance, and be incredibly proud of Sue and her family as they start their newest adventure.

I can't wait to meet the new addition. Welcome to the family, Hannah!

the dark ages

Today is my day to attend to women's health care, specifically my own. I swear we are still living in the dark ages when it comes to testing and women. I had a mammogram today, my first in 3 years. Yes, I know I am supposed to have one a year now. Yes, I know the best defense is a good offense. But damn, it hurts! No woman invented this, I swear. To have my boobs pressed between two metal plates and then SQUISHED, just plain hurts. And I know there are plenty of other ways to get the same results or better. CT Scanning, even MRI can be done, but the cost is too high for these to be recommended procedures. So, millions of women go through a brief, but rather brutal process once a year.

In an hour, I am back to the doctor. This time for a pelvic exam and pap smear. There has to be a better way... I wouldn't go at all, but my health insurance refuses to refill my birth control pills unless I go have this done. Something about it being a few years since my last appointment. Time flies, you know. I mean to go in regularly I really do. Somehow I just convince myself it hasn't really been that long since it was done. Maybe we should collectively contribute to a medical scholarship for someone to come up with better, more humane testing for women. I shouldn't have to feel battered and bruised by my preventive healthcare, and neither should you.

odd experience

Yesterday I went to the grocery store after work. Normally I go on the weekends, very early in the morning. By normally, I mean each and every single week. I am a creature of habit, and breaks in my routine really mess me up.

So I went to the market on the way home from work. And we (my son and I) shopped in a very crowded store. And we stood in line. And we got 2/3rds of the way through checkout when I reached into my wallet for my store card and debit card.

And FOUND NOTHING!!! no debit card, no credit card, no store card. Nada. I ran out to the car and searched my back-pack. Nothing. My heart started racing. I was really really freaked out. I went back in and asked if they would take a check. Yes - I was saved the mortal embarassment of having to leave a very full cart of groceries at the register.

I wrote my check. The nice man checked my drivers license and ran my check. Then said it was rejected. So the customer service manager had to come over. The line behind me was really long, and really disgruntled. I was totally embarassed. The man said he would go ahead and take my check. It turned out, that because I had never written a check at that store before, I had a $100 limit, which I exceeded.

Everything turned out okay. We got our groceries, we were only slightly humiliated. But the odd, panicked, dislocated feeling was so intense. Had I become that reliant on electronic payment? What would I do without a bank card? I am so used to not even thinking about cash. I have a bank card. I have credit. So I am good in all situations. Except this one.

I found all my cards when I got home. They had fallen out of my wallet during a purse switch. So I can go back to my all-electronic ways...

thank god I don't write for a living

Thank god I don't write for a living -- I'd STARVE. My blogging has become a truly sporadic thing, as real life intervenes.

To catch up:

I finished my Ethics class, with an A. I learned a lot, worked fairly hard, and am generally pleased with the whole experience.

My parents are still going through the initial stages of a divorce. My 68 year old father has moved in with his 46 year old girlfriend. Oddly, she is the well-off successful one, in a flip of the usual scenario. Go figure.

Mom is struggling with the prospect of suddenly becoming an adult, at age 75. I opened her her very first bank account this week. She will have to pay bills, submit her taxes, handle maintenance on the car and house. She will have to decide what to eat and when, who to see or not see. She has NEVER done any of these things, so she has a tough road ahead.

I got a 4% raise, very large by Hopkins standards. However, our son's tuition went up by 6.5%, healthcare went up by 2%, and I now have to pay the full ride for parking at work ($110 a month to park in a HOPKINS garage). So it's a pyrrhic raise --flattering, but useless in the large scheme of things. Still, I am happy to get it.

The husband is doing well, as is the son. I love both of them very much, and I APPRECIATE them even more, as I navigate the mess in my "birth family". More and more I think you get two families, your birth family, and the family you create as you grow, made up of the people you choose to love. I am truly rich in the second category -- my choice family is wonderful.

Talk to you soon.

thanks, gang!

I am really touched by the number of good wishes, e-hugs, and just plain caring in response to my last post. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have such wonderful people as you in my life.

Thanks for everything!!!

I want Ozzie and Harriett

Are you ever grown up enough to not feel like a child with your parents? I am sitting here wishing I felt strong enough, grown enough, to let my parents just be two people I know, and not two people whose actions profoundly affect me. Once again, they are in marital turmoil. My mother is borderline suicidal, completely hysterical. I haven't spoken to my father, but at the moment I am not sure I want to.

The background: my father is out of town at a jazz festival. The day after he left his girlfriend called my mother, to announce her existence. She called every day, several times a day. She was upset, because she believes my father is with another, different girlfriend. My mother did not know my father was cheating. AGAIN. My father has called to confess, now that he has been caught out. He is not particulary contrite. He initially agreed to marriage counseling, but has called back to say he doesn't know that he can do that.

My mother is 76 years old. She has no job skills. She has no income. She is in poor health. My father is 67. He is also not in great health. He has very little income, and much of it is not documented.

I am trying not to judge who is right or wrong here. Their life is a mess, their marriage problems their own. Except. Part of me is feeling 11 years old, finding out about my father's first affair. That time was a long term one, with my mother's best friend. A woman I called "aunt" and adored. I feel angry all over again, feeling that my life has been turned upside down.

I was supposed to host a joint birthday party this upcoming weekend for my father and my mother-in-law, who share the same birthday. I don't know if I can do it now. My mother wants me to have the party, but she will not attend. She doesn't want anyone to know why. I don't feel particularly like celebrating, and I can't really tell people why I am cancelling, if I cancel.

I am freaking out that I may have to support my mother, with whom I have a rather uncomfortable relationship. I have visions of future holidays, all minefields of hurt feelings. How do I explain to my son what is going on with grandma and grandpa? I know my mother is really hurting. But I also know she is a difficult woman, and I have never understood how my father has hung in all these years...I feel guilty for not being more sympathetic, and for being focused on how this all affects ME and my family.

I want Ozzie and Harriett to be my parents. I want a Norman Rockwell kind of life. I want to wake up and have this all be a bad dream.

the Ashley Treatment

Ashley is a nine year old girl from Seattle. According to a recent Hastings Center Report, she has "a severe brain impairment that leaves her unable to walk, talk, eat, sit up, or roll over. According to her doctors, Ashley has reached, and will remain at, the developmental level of a three-month-old."

The Ashley Treatment refers to the medical treatment recently given to this girl, at the request of her parents. She has had her uterus and breast buds removed. She is given high-dose estrogen. All of this was done to improve the quality of her life. The estrogen keeps her small (currently 4 ft 9). She will never have the discomfort of menstruation. She will not be the target for sexual abuse, her parents believe, because she will never have mature breasts. It will be easier to move her around, easier to strap her in a wheelchair.

Her parents have publicized the Ashley Treatment because they believe it might benefit other parents caring for severely disabled children. I have extreme sympathy for her parents, and I agree that the treatment may have benefits for Ashley because she will be easier to care for, and that can't help but lengthen her life. And frankly,they deserve to ease their burden.

I am concerned about the medical ethics of the doctors who agreed to perform these procedures. When a patient cannot make decisions for themselves, doctors have some degree of responsibility to ensure that the best interests of the patient are being served. All of their interests, not some. Ashley is mentally a three month old. This makes her no different than a 3 month old infant, or a 90-year old with advanced Alzheimer's. Would we remove the breasts of a 90 year old woman, out of convenience to her caregivers? Would we put a 3 month old baby through elective surgery to remove her uterus so she never has the discomfort of menstruation? Ashley might be easier to care for without arms and legs, which she doesn't use anyway. But no one is arguing for amputation.

It is a slippery slope that the doctors are going down. Elective surgery for the convenience of caregivers has a whole host of implications. Does anyone remember lobotomies -- they made mental patients much easier to care for.

school's out for the summer

No, not for our son. For ME. I finished up my ethics class last night. I turned in a fairly bad term-paper, but I am DONE. Now, here's the thing. I absolutely LOVE school. My brain feels like it is waking from a long slumber, and I feel more alive as a result. BUT. I am tired, tired, tired. Who knew one class a semester would be the tipping point for me? I think I had about 2 hours free a week before, and now I'm like 10 hours a week over my limit. I am constantly behind in my reading, doing assignments at the last minute, and not as well as I could with more time, skipping research time at the library. I am SQUEEZED.

I am not taking any classes over the summer. But I'd really like to take 2 classes a semester if I could. Otherwise I will be hard-pressed to finish the program in the allotted time (I get 5 years to complete my 9 classes and portfolio). I just don't see how, though.

for today, I am just going to enjoy the child-like sense of freedom that comes with the words "schools out"!

free speech??

You knew I would eventually get around to this one, didn't you? Don Imus called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy headed hos". He has been fired, after a public uproar. I am not sure how I feel about this.

I think his comments were unexcusable. The girls did nothing but excel. They did not deserve to have their achievements diminished by a very public slur. They were owed an apology, and they received one, with very good grace.

I think Imus' employers were being hypocritical in the extreme. They pay the man to be nasty, they pay him to say outrageous things, and they have profited by it. Now they fire him for what he has been doing all along.

I hate his style of radio. To me, a microphone is not a license to be a pig. "Free speech" isn't really free. People fought and died for it. I doubt they imagined the way that phrase would be used as a shield for intolerance, bigotry and general ugliness. And free speech ends where you do real harm to others. It doesn't allow you to say anything that pops into your head. The concept applies to the exchange of IDEAS. It is supposed to protect citizens from government oppression, not to protect asshole talk show hosts from being boorish to pump up ratings.

A co-worker of mine had an interesting spin on the Imus comments. Her feeling is that his comments were fine, because the comments were nothing that African-Americans are not already calling themselves. My reply was that it is equally wrong when 50 Cent does it as when Imus does. People shouldn't allow themselves to be treated that way, by anyone. And that kind of behaviour shouldn't help anyone line their pockets. Why buy records that denigrate you? Why idolize men who call you a ho? Hopefully the conversation on this will continue, and perhaps some real change will come from it.

We really could do better. Maybe try treating each other with dignity and respect, see what happens. Who knows -- we might just like it.

we're back

Tennessee was really really nice. Here we are at the base of one of the waterfalls in the park.

scary on so many levels

Homeland Security OIG Issues Report estimates over 600,000 Fugitive aliens in U. S. whereabouts unknown.

From The Department of Homeland Security Office Inspector General
(DHS OIG) report...

In the report fugitive apprehensions are prioritized as:
"(1) fugitives posing a threat to the nation;
(2) fugitives posing a threat to the community
(3) fugitives with a violent criminal history
(4) criminal fugitives
(5) non-criminal fugitives."

"As of August 2006, the Office of Detention and Removal Operations estimated there was a backlog of 623,292 fugitive aliens.

Therefore, fugitive aliens constitute about 5.4% of the estimated illegal alien population"
*************************************************
It is frightening that we can't find 600,000 people. It is more frightening that we have an "office of detention and removal operations". And downright terrifying that we have "Homeland Security". What next -- loyalty oaths? Arlen Specter suggested today that we establish a domestic spying agency, like the British MI-5, since we can't trust the FBI to spy without violating innocent people's rights. Lovely, just lovely.

I love Baltimore, Reason #202

Saturday, we had a truly wonderful experience. We took two large boxes of books that we had weeded from our collection and dropped them off at the The Bookthing. The Bookthing is a Baltimore non-profit. It gives books away -- free, gratis, no charge. No strings attached. After we dropped off our books, we went inside and browsed the shelves. We were very well-behaved, only picking up 6 books between us. But the experience was amazing. It is set up like a used bookstore, with virtually no staff, and no cash registers. People come in and are encouraged to take as many books as they want. The only thing they ask is that you sign the log, telling how many you take. The day we went, the high total on the sheet was 73 books to one person. The "store" used to have a 10 book minimum (i.e. you had to take at least 10), but they have relaxed the requirement because they didn't want to scare off potential readers.

They are getting all my cast-off books from now on. And I will send them checks when I can, so maybe they can fix the leaky roof. A terrific idea like this should be supported.

Rove gets subpoena!

Well, the political universe is getting interesting. Karl Rove is going to testify before a small senate committee on the firings of federal prosecutors. In particular, they want to examine his role in getting rid of politically inconvenient prosecutors and replacing them with "true-blue Bushies" (his term, not mine). And Gonzalez might, just might, be on his way out. The White House has started work on a short-list of potential replacements, but are still saying they stand by Gonzalez.

The president believes it would harm the presidency if his aides are questioned. I think he has harmed the presidency throughout his time in office -- how much more damage could be done by finding out the truth?

300

GO SEE IT!!!

That's pretty much all I have to say.

like I won something

I have a son. A gifted 12 year old. He is incredibly incredibly bright, but seriously learning disabled. Last week he had to read a book for a book report. For many kids this is not such a big deal, but in my house, it can be huge.

So, I picked him up from school last week. He says he picked his book for his report. He is going to read Snow Falling on Cedars. I couldn't believe it. I asked why, and he said he thought it looked interesting. Well, he read it. I mean, really really read it. And understood it. And liked it.

I am so unbelievably proud -- I feel like I won something. Although I think maybe we both did.

Real Women

I am swamped with work, and should not be blogging. But I really couldn't resist a quick round of applause for DOVE. Their REAL WOMEN ad campaign is wonderful! Actual, real people, with perfectly imperfect bodies, in all their beauty. We were watching Ghostrider the other day, and saw one of their advertisements on the big screen. I actually watched the commercial.

It is amazingly refreshing to see these women held up as beautiful -- instead of the usual anorexic, model-perfect folks we usually see.

visit http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/ for more on this...

35 days until vacation

I have 35 days until we leave for a family vacation. I am actually counting down the days. Once again, I have let myself get depleted and exhausted to the point that my vacation becomes my light at the end of the tunnel -- the only way I keep moving.

This year is very different. We are going on a family vacation, just my husband, son and I. We have rented a beautiful cabin [indoor jacuzzi, hottub, pool table, plasma tv, granite counter kitchen, so cabin seems a misnomer], in the Smokey Mountains. So, in an improbably turn of events, we are heading to Tennessee for vacation. Specifically Gatlinburg. I intend to read, rest, read, rest, eat a ton, get lots of fresh air and exercise, spend lots of time canoodling, and get to know my kid better while he still talks to me.

I also hope to figure out why I keep repeating the same old work patterns. I find a job that suits me. I settle in and proceed to turn it into a larger and larger job until it becomes more than one person can handle. I start out being useful, and end up indispensable, in a really not good sort of way. In that "I don't know how we will get through a week without you here" kind of way. The stress becomes too much, and then I start looking for another job. Then I repeat the whole damn cycle again. And again. I really think I need to figure this out, or end up repeating it forever.

still breathing

Yes, I am still breathing. I have been so busy, I haven't been able to think, much less blog. So what's been going on...

My new work website launches next week. For a sneak peek, go to beta.hopkinscme.net I am going crazy with beta testing, data cleaning and the other hundred million things that go into launching a website.

I am still struggling with the dreaded Hopkins One. For those that don't know, Johns Hopkins just converted a huge number of disparate legacy systems into SAP. This affects all of our financial operations, our human resources, payroll, all that good stuff. And it has not been a mega-success, at least not yet.

School is under way. My class is Theories of Ethics, and our textbook is Moral Philosophy. It is really interesting, but the reading is a struggle (Hobbes, Plato, Socrates, Rand, Herodotus so far). All lecture, with two papers to do.

We've been busy with our son's social life, our dog's social life, our own stuff. At least we're not bored.

the Watada case

I have been following with interest the case of Lieutenant Ehren Watada. He has refused to go to Iraq, and is the first officer to do so. Initially, I felt he was completely in the wrong -- he is employed by the military and can't pick and choose his assignments.

But on further reflection, I have done a complete reversal. Officer Watada feels the war is illegal, as it was based on faulty and inflated intelligence information. As an officer, he committed to among other things, "refusing to participate in illegal military actions". We expect our soldiers to refuse any order that is illegal. Nuremburg pretty much ended the "just following orders" defense, and made it an obligation of all soldiers to consider their orders in view of their legality.

Officer Watada offered to serve in Afghanistan, so he is not using this as a dodge to avoid combat. He also offered to resign. Both offers were rejected. A military tribunal also refuses to hear any defense that involves using the legality of the war as a basis, effectively convicting Officer Watada before trial. He has vowed to fight all the way to the Supreme Court. But in the meantime, he will most likely serve 4 years in a military prison -- for doing his duty and taking his pledge seriously.

Congess is remembering what its there for

Barbara Boxer said yesterday that Bush should read the Constitution, because he is missing a key point -- Congress is there as a check against presidential power. Congress has the power to stop the president when the president tries to exceed his authority; they not only have the power, they have the obligation. So while he might be the "decider", he is one by permission only, and that role can be taken away from him by vote of Congress at any time.

I would like to see them make it nearly impossible for a President to command an attack against another nation without having to declare war. This is how more recent Presidents have skirted the issue, by creating "police actions" (Vietnam), to "anti-terrorist activities" (Iraq), wars in all but name. If we are going to send soldiers to fight -- it's a war. If we bomb from air or sea, it's a war. Call it what it is, and go through proper channels with the proper checks and balances set in place.

Make it a big and scary thing, fraught with political risk, to have to ask for, and get permission for the exercise of military power. Because it is a big, scary thing for a country to do, and it should not be taken lightly.

WTF?????

I am just plain puzzled. The new mayor of DC, Adrian Fenty, has announced his plan to take the homeless to the movies. Yes, you read that right. He is going to take 100 homeless folks to see The Pursuit of Happyness. Let's hope he buys them popcorn.

I really don't get this. Is he trying to draw attention to the homeless problem in DC? Does he think the film will inspire the homeless of DC to become stockbrokers? Is it just a photo op?

The newest statistic on the homeless population in DC is troubling. 66 percent of the DC homeless population are high school graduates. And more than 40% of them are EMPLOYED. Next time your kid says he doesn't want to go to college, point that statistic their way. Read another way, though, and these statistics show promise. It means that with the right help, the right services, there exists potential to get many of these people off the streets and into housing.

Maybe Mayor Fenty will get some ideas for this while he is at the movie.

and so it begins (again)

Tonight is the first night of the new semester. My class is Theories of Ethics, with Dr Stephen Barker. It is not the course I originally signed up for, Mesoamerica and the Pueblo Indians, but that course was dropped for low enrollment. I think this course will be more challenging, and more of a stretch for me.

I am a pretty fuzzy thinker. I run on intuition most of the time. So sometimes I have NO IDEA why I think what I think, or why I believe what I believe. Digging at a topic like Ethics, in a logical, intellectual sort of way is going to be difficult. I hope it will be interesting too.

OF course, the start of a new semester means the chaos descends upon our household again. Hopefully it will be a little easier, now that we have the puppy in daycare a few days a week. Yes, daycare. Yes, for the dog. Yes, I am now officially one of those crazy "dog people". I draw the line at sweaters and boots for the dog, though. And Halloween costumes. No costumes. I think.

Well, keep your fingers crossed, and let CHAOS REIGN.

words have power

I just went to Hopkins annual Martin Luther King celebration. For those who don't know, Hopkins has, for the last twenty-five years ,put on a program in honor of Dr. King. It is a special day, and I look forward to it every year.

This year, the invited speaker was Dr. Maya Angelou. What an amazing, truly amazing, woman! I was spell-bound. And she reminded me, quite forcefully, that words are a powerful tool. You can change the course of a person's life with words. Through your words, you can do great evil, or great good.

I took away several lessons from today. We all have a charge to better ourselves, and to better the world in general -- otherwise we are squandering the one thing we are all given, a lifetime. We all have courage -- use it. If you don't like the way the world is run, say so. If you don't like what your elected officials are doing, protest. But don't whine. It diminishes you and accomplishes nothing. It doesn't even make you feel better. And remember the power of words, to hurt or heal.

where I started

Recently I've been thinking about where I started out. What got me moving in that direction was my son. I look at his life now, and invariably I think about my own childhood. It is so very very different. I wonder what that will mean for him in the future. He has everything he needs, and virtually everything he wants. He is happy most of the time.

My childhood was different. The house I lived in when I was small had two bedrooms and 1 bathroom, for 5 people. I remember having to go to the bathroom and trying desperately to hold it while someone was showering or bathing. I remember taking a bath once a week, with my sister, because a)water wasn't free and b) it tied up the bathroom. My sister and I shared a room until I was 10. We were luckier than my brother, who didn't have a room. He slept in the family room; his bed was tucked into one corner of the room. He didn't have a door, but we did put up a bead curtain to separate that room from the living room.

We had to hang our wash up to dry -- we didn't have a dryer. When it rained, I had to run out and pull the wash from the line and bring it in. I hated doing that because the wet laundry was so heavy, and because I had to stand on tip-toe to reach the line.

We always had enough food, but we were constrained by our budget. I remember being told not to drink milk, and just put enough on my cereal to wet it. And don't add milk if you had a second bowl of cereal. At dinner, there was enough for someone to have seconds, but not everyone. Whoever was fastest got it. I am still a very rapid eater. We did not eat out. I had virtually no experience with restaurants until I went to college.

We went to the beach once a year. We would get a tent from the Navy (always some old Army surplus thing that was moldy) and camp about an hour outside ocean city. Later we bought a third hand pop-up camper and pulled it behind the car. It was also moldy, but we loved it. It was so much more comfortable than a tent.

My sister and I went to public school. The schools were fine. We didn't have kindergarden, so we just started with day one of first grade. We didn't know our alphabet, didn't know how to read, but we could count to ten. No one ever read to us. We didn't have any books. Later we had the BookMobile, which was a godsend. It came to our neighborhood once a month to spread literature to the poor folks. You could check out 4 books. I would finish them the first day.

It wasn't grim. We had a lot of fun. Our neighborhood had parades and holiday parties. We had easter egg hunts and visits from Santa. We had a community dock. It used to be possible for working class and struggling folks to live near the water, and we did for a while. We ice skated on the creek, went sledding. My folks went heavily into debt and put in an above ground pool; so we swam a lot.

There were things I hated. I always had second-hand clothes from friends or neighbors or had to shop at 2 Guys. For those who have never experienced this, 2 Guys was the kind of store that didn't have dressing rooms. And the clothes weren't on hangers, they were in big bins, you just sort of rooted through. My mom would make us try things on in the aisle.

I had a sled (from Goodwill, with someone else's name on it). I had a bike, from a friend of a friend. It was so much too big for me that my dad strapped pieces of two x fours to the pedals so I could reach them. I had skates (from the Goodwill, two sizes too big). I coveted anything brand new. I wanted stuff from a good store, where they waited on you (or so I had heard).

I never really valued what we had, although in looking back, we had enough. My parents valued money above all things, and I knew we didn't have that. It was their measure of success, and so we were failures. I was raised to feel LACK and to strive for material success.

I am struggling now to fight my upbringing, and to use a different yardstick for my life. I HOPE I am passing on to my child that material stuff has little meaning. I hope he is getting value lessons, not just having his basic needs met.

I really want to do better by him.

GO RAVENS!!!

No, it's not important in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't much matter, unless you are a fan. But here in Baltimore, it counts. Tomorrow, the hated Indianapolis Colts come to town for a playoff game. The city is more excited than if the pope was coming, or the president.

It's payback time. Yes it's been years and years since Irsay snuck our team out of town in the dead of night on Mayflower Vans. Yes we should be over it. And NO, we're NOT. Today my boss was wearing a purple Ravens t-shirt, with UNITAS across the back. That pretty much says it all. It's not that they took the team away -- it's that they took the NAME, and the HISTORY with them. In the record books, Johnny Unitas played for the Colts, not Baltimore. The chamionships, they count for Indy, not for Baltimore, even though they were won here, in front of Baltimore fans.

Tomorrow is big. I'm sitting in an office full of people wearing the Ravens purple and black. The lights at City Hall are purple. At 10pm, the light up signs near the stadium are going purple. Because its more than football -- it's PRIDE in our city on display.

chilling words

"All lawbreakers are susceptible to being detained or taken care of in this campaign."

--Robert Gates, Secretary of Defense, in a press conference this morning

Reading this sent a chill down my spine. I know I am probably being over-dramatic, but this kind of statement scares the bejeezus out of me. I think it's the phrase "taken care of" that reminds me of some Mafia Don. I can imagine Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone, saying "your problem, its been taken care of", with a little dismissive hand wave. It's not really what I want to hear from a representative of our government. And I am sure it was a carefully chosen phrase.

Scary.

afghanistan, iraq, somalia?

You can forget a lot at my age, particulary in a span of several years. But I thought we were fighting terrorism in Afghanistan. Then we were routing out WMD in Iraq. Today, I read that we sent gunships and war planes to Somalia. Yup, Somalia.

Now, I am pretty sure we didn't declare war on Somalia. But apparently the government there says it OK by them if we bomb the crap out of some of their folks. Besides, the deaths were MOSTLY muslim extremists. An occasional newlywed, a 4 year old, well those were "collateral damage" -- you know, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs...

What the hell are we doing? If we suspect you of terrorist activity, look out. If you are extreme in your non-Christian religious views, better buy a bomb shelter, cause we are gunning for you.

I do not understand how Bush got carte blanche to do whatever the f*ck he wants to do with our military. I thought you had to , I don't know, get permission or something before you start dropping bombs on other countries... Or is the "War on Terror" so all-encompassing that the Dipshit in Chief can do anything he wants, as long as we are shooting at "suspected terrorists"??

I really think secession is beginning to sound like a good idea....

but she dresses well

We're gonna file this one in "is it just me, or does this bug anyone else?" Nancy Pelosi was just elected the first woman Speaker of the House. This is a wonderful milestone, full of social import. I opened the newspaper yesterday (The Baltimore Sun) and it chose to run a multi-page article on the new Speaker of the House. About her clothes! Apparently she dresses very well, very fashionably.

Why, oh why is this news? In this day and age, when we are celebrating the advancement of women in politics, why is it still important how the lady dresses? What are her issues? What is her agenda? How will she unify Democrats and Republicans in Congress? To me, those are issues. That she buys nice suits, and looks nice in them, is not EVEN on the LIST.

If we elect a woman president, are they gonna write about her HAIR? her makeup? her looks? Are we ever going to see equality in press coverage? Where does George Bush buy his suits? are his cowboy boots fashion-forward or a faux pas?

We can do better than this.

Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford was a good man. He didn't seek the presidency, but he filled the office when called upon. He pardoned Nixon, even though it was an unpopular thing to do, because he knew it was what the nation needed in order to move on.

Yesterday I saw a few minutes of his funeral service. Our nation's leaders, past and present, showed up to honor this decent man. I was struck by the irony of two voices in the long list of speakers: Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. Both owe their careers to Gerald Ford. Both lauded his integrity and his decency in their eulogies. Both cite him as a mentor.

WTF??? How can you move so far from your mentor that you are his polar opposite, and yet still claim his influence and laud his virtues?? Lightning didn't strike either man, though I was waiting for it. Is it possible they see themselves as following in Ford's footsteps?

Gerald Ford gave one last interview a few months ago. He asked that it not air while he was alive. In it, he criticizes his proteges, and the war in Iraq. He did not want to interfere with current policy, but he wanted his opinion on record for posterity.

I wish there were more Gerald Fords in the world of politics, and far fewer Cheneys and Rumsfelds.

HAPPY 2007!

A new year, a fresh start. I began as I always do, bleary-eyed, low on sleep, and raspy voiced. And as always, I begin with good intentions. I will get fit this year, I will lose ten pounds, I will be more understanding of foibles, my own and other's. I will seek enlightenment, and retrieve my sense of humor from the ash heap on which it has descended, etc etc etc.

What usually happens -- I am good with my diet for a few weeks; I exercise half-heartedly for a week, I am patient for a day or two. We'll see what happens this year.

I hope for health and happiness for me and mine, and the same for you and yours.

loss of nuance

My recent class has made me notice that my written skills are diminishing. I blame it squarely on this blog, and on email. Both favor brevity -- get the point across quickly, with short sentences and shorter words.

A school system in California recently decided that they would allow IM-type spelling on standardized tests. My first thought - LOL, UR kidding. As these kid's vocabularies diminish, all nuance is lost. It is nearly impossible to express a complex thought in the abbreviated language of texting. If we have no words, do we have thoughts? If we take away facial expression and tone of voice, and reduce our vocabulary to what can fit on a two inch screen, what the hell can we say?

it doesn't feel a bit like christmas

Is it the abnormally warm weather? Seriously, this Saturday it is supposed to reach 60 degrees here in Baltimore. 60! I hate winter, I really really do, but it does seem like it should be COLD at Christmas.

Maybe its the work schedule, which has required much work from home [sorry, family!]. We haven't put up the tree yet. My son and I have not built our gingerbread house yet. We haven't hung the stockings with care. I haven't finished shopping. I haven't wrapped a single gift.

Maybe its the clutter, which is really getting me down. My house is a sty, and it's all my fault. My crap is EVERYWHERE. I really don't relax when it's this bad, but I am too tired to do anything about it. I am hoping to get it under control tomorrow afternoon.

I know that it will feel like Christmas when it actually arrives, because the Christmas magic always works for me. No matter what the circumstance, no matter what is going on, Christmas Eve and Christmas day are always miraculously wonderful. I love everyone, and everything, for 48 hours. If only the miracle lasted the whole year. Maybe that will be my New Year's resolution -- to keep Christmas in my heart the whole year.

missing a cartoon giant

Joe Barbera died yesterday. Half of the team of Hanna-Barbera, he was responsible for many many happy hours during my childhood. Tom and Jerry. The Flinstones. Yogi Bear. Huckleberry Hound. The Jetsons. Johnny Quest. I watched them all.

They weren't cutting edge animation. They didn't have a lot of flash to them. But they were sweet and funny and endlessly entertaining.

I'll miss ya, Joe.

social risks

I am fairly outgoing, fairly comfortable socially, but I wasn't always. I used to hate to go to parties because they made me nervous. I wouldn't talk in class, because I was afraid I'd say something stupid. I was uncomfortable meeting new people.

Now I feel at ease (mostly) because I am comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and I don't feel like I have to impress everyone. But there are still holdovers from my early, introverted years, that I can't seem to shake.

We throw a couple of parties every year. I love planning the food, preparing the food, and I love seeing all my good friends. What I hate is inviting people. I feel so exposed when I do. What if they don't want to come? What if no one wants to come? What if people come, but because they feel they have to? Am I presuming friendship where none exists? What if I'm boring? And so on and so on and so on.

Once things are started, I'm fine. I enjoy myself. I think my guests enjoy themselves. All the worries disappear. But when I'm asking people over, I feel like a sweaty 8 year old handing out birthday invititations. Will I ever GROW UP completely???

done, done, done

My paper proposal is FINISHED. It is not the most stellar work I have ever done, but it is completed. I am turning it in tonight, marking the end of my first semester. This has all been harder than I expected. I did two semesters of graduate school in the English department at the University of Maryland. That seemed fairly easy to me. I did well, and didn't really strain my brain to do so.

In contrast, this semester saw me reading things that made me try to bend my brain in ways it doesn't go. I read some of the Gnostic gospels, and if you know me, you know that was a stretch in oh so many ways. I had to write several small assignments. It turns out writing blogs and email is really really bad for your writing style. I apparently think and write in snippets now, almost telegram style. And it turns out that writing critically is something you can fall out of practice with. Who knew?

It was also much harder to fit school into my life than I had anticipated. My son wanted my attention after school, and really didn't get the concept of "mommy is doing homework now." My husband was not too thrilled to pick up the slack with the kid and the puppy. The puppy tried to gnaw my laptop, and honestly did try to eat my paper proposal. And my office really really needs me to work some extra hours right now, but I just can't fit everything in. Thoughts of dropping out actually crossed my mind. I think the exact phrase was "you need this like you need a hole in your head".

But I think I'll stick it out. I do feel more alert, more mentally there. And I feel a sense of accomplishment that's different than what I get from work or home. I guess because it seems like more of a solo effort, and so the results are all me. I also feel smart, for the first time in a really long while. I even feel my vocabulary coming back. It has been a long time since I felt free to use ALL the words I know instead of the small subset of common, day - to -day language.
Wicked cool.

old habits die hard

As many of you know, I am back in school, doing the grad school thing part-time. This is my first real coursework in about 15 years. Now, I like to think that I have matured and grown as a person in that time period. But old habits die hard. I have my termpaper proposal due on Thursday. This means of course that I spent the last 20 minutes trying to figure out how I was going to go see Rules of the Game tonight or tomorrow... and I have committed to bringing a dessert to tomorrow's holiday breakfast at work, 'cause I have so much free time.

Apparently I still function under that "paper deadline syndrome". This is the one where I can never really get anything done on a paper until the deadline is imminent - defined as tomorrow, or maybe today. I need that fine sense of panic in order to motivate me. God, I thought I had gotten past this point! I want to be a good student, I really do. I do my reading. I prepare for class. But start a paper early, or even on-time, never.

I don't wanna work -- I want to bang on me drum all day

I recently realized I am having a feminist dilemma. Sort of. What I mean is that I have been thinking a lot about what I would really really like to do. And what it boils down to, is that if I had unlimited funds, I would want to stop working. Which is kind of what our mothers and their mothers fought so hard against, right? They fought to be in the workplace that I would give a lot to get out of.

I could take my time cooking wonderful meals. I could take up a sport. I could play with my husband. I could play with the dog [differently, please -- get your mind out of the gutter!]. I could work on my photography. I could help out at the school, while my son doesn't mind me being there. I could find time for haircuts and manicures. We could take lots of day trips as a family. My house would be clean. My laundry would be done. Holes would be mended, buttons put back on. I could pay my bills on time, instead of shoving them somewhere to pay when I have time and then forgetting. I could finish a book -- instead of starting another one because I forgot where I was in the first one.

Maybe what I really want is to be retired. But the damn retirement calculator keeps telling me I'm going to have to work until I'm 72. 72! That is another, hold it while I do the math, 29 years. That seems somehow impossible. Even if I break it into 7 four year chunks... Maybe I can get 5 years off for good behavior.

race and schools

The Supreme Court will be looking at race and schools again this week. At issue is when and if it is okay to assign public school children to different schools based on their race, in order to artificially desegregate the school systems.

I think the issue is much much larger than making schools racially diverse. My son used to attend a lovely private school that was almost a 50/50 split racially. It was in no way diverse. All the kids came from upper middle class homes where the parents could afford tuition and felt it was worth spending the money on their child's education. They wore the same clothes, had the same toys, went on similar vacations, lived in similar homes, etc.

It seems to me that what the school systems are doing is a good first attempt, with good intent. But in looking solely at race, they ignore real diversity and real issues. Why isn't their community naturally diverse? Is there opportunity for the children to make friendships across economic lines, religious lines, cultural lines, not just racial ones?
Are all the schools in their system equally good? do they all have the same quality equipment, the same quality teachers, the same opportunities for all students?
Is there a range of housing opportunities in the same community and school district? Is there room in their district for all kinds of differences?

Fixing schools by artificially desegregating is like a bandaid. What we really need to do is fix ourselves, and our communities. The schools will improve when we improve.

a sobering statistic

Yesterday I read a most sobering statistic. We have now been at war in Iraq longer than we fought WWII. And it looks like we will be there much longer. A bi-partisan report issued today urged us to conduct massive troop withdrawals, but gave no timetable for this. And Bush remains resolute -- we are not looking for a graceful withdrawal, we are not leaving until we have accomplished our mission. Whatever that is. I keep getting confused by which rational we are believing this week.

I know we started with the idea that there were WMD to eliminate, and then we were bringing democracy to the Iraqi people. I have heard the phrase "free and independent Iraq" a lot.

To me it looks like we took a country with a government we didn't like and broke it. Before the war, Iraq was at least functional. Now it is a destroyed thing. No major infrastructure remains, and the burdens of repairing what this war has done will last decades. I don't see how we can make a "graceful exit". I think we will have to cut and run, mumble a quick "sorry for the mess" , and hightail it out of there.

Maybe next time, we will be less quick to act. Maybe we should really really think about it before we send in the troops. Or just stay home.

character and denial

Two recent incidents have brought home to me how confused we are about character. Michael Vick was fined by the NFL for making an obscene hand gesture at fans after a football game. He admits what he did was wrong (good!), but then messes up by going farther and saying it is not in his character to do something like that. Obviously it was in his character, since he did it. I think he meant that he feels bad about it, and he will work on not doing it again, but he could just mean he gets a pass because he doesn't do this kind of thing all the time.

Michael Richards, from Seinfeld, was caught on film unleashing some ugly and racist talk at two audience members from his stand-up comedy show. He says that he is sorry (good), but then explains how he is not a racist, so he doesn't know where all the invective came from. Um, Michael -- you are a racist. The fact that you were made uncomfortable, and were heckled is unfortunate. But when you lost it, you went straight for racist remarks. That makes you a racist, just not habitual about expressing it.

Both men should have just said that they were sorry, and that they regretted their actions. Period, end of statement. To make an excuse that you really aren't the way you behaved is ridiculous and makes any apology seem insincere. How you behave under duress is part of your character. Deal with it.

biology sucks

Normally, I'm a big fan of biology. After all, it did give us all kinds of nice body parts, and it did give us sex. We could reproduce like flatworms or something...

But lately, biology has not been my friend. I suddenly need reading glasses, you know, the old lady kind you wear on a chain around your neck. My sleep is constantly disrupted. I have night sweats. And I have to get up and pee more often than I used to. I had my first hot flash the other day, and it wasn't a good time. It takes much less time to gain weight, and much longer to lose it.

I thought biology was unkind when I was an anxiety-riddled pre-teen, praying for boobs and my period. And I didn't much like the combination of raging hormones and zits [kind of cruel, I think]. But now, I think that was not all that bad. Because I knew it was a short time kind of thing, and that better things were on their way. Now every change is a diminishment - of time, of capacity, of quality.

So this week, at least, biology sucks!

Give a little, get a lot

Today, I am pushing my favorite charity - Modest Needs Foundation. I found it when searching for a charity where my son's small contributions could have a real impact. In the process, I discovered a lot -- how close we all are to the edge, how a small kindness can be large in someone else's life, gratitude for what I have, gratitude for the good people out there, and YES, there are a lot of them....

For an article on the charity, go to http://www.oregonlive.com/search/index.ssf?/base/living/1163804120313320.xml?oregonian?lvls&coll=7&thispage=1

A small contribution every month, less than you would spend on coffee or chocolate, can make a huge difference for a lot of people.

almost thanksgiving!!

It is almost Thanksgiving! This is my absolute favorite holiday. An entire day reserved for good food, resting, relaxing, company. No guilt. No gift-giving, family politics, gift-receiving. Just a day to enjoy.

I love the idea of the holiday as well. A day to think about the good things in your life. A day set aside for appreciation. We should really find a way to be thankful every day -- but hell, this is a good start. I need to be reminded from time to time that I really do have it good. It is too easy to lapse into a mindset where you see your troubles writ large, and your blessings writ small. Instead of bitching about my job, I should be happy -- I have a good job, with interesting work, decent pay, great benefits. It's not my dream job, but I don't really know what that would be anyway. I can complain about my aching knees, or be glad that they hold me up and take me where I need to go. I can't take that trip to Australia just yet, but I have a nice roof over my head, plenty of food, I'm generally comfortable and safe. Maybe my kid plays too many video games, and watches too much TV. But he's home every day, safe and sound. I'm always short of money, but that doesn't mean what it used to -- I'm not being hounded by bill collectors, and I'm not going to get evicted, and I don't have to eat oodles of noodles for the rest of the month.

I have enough, and sometimes that's plenty!

lower than dirt

O.J. Simpson is lower than dirt. He has written a book on how he would have committed the murders if he had done them. How much pain does he want the victims families to go through? How much suffering is he willing to put his children through?

I have rarely been so completely outraged by one individual's behaviour. I know we are talking about a murderer here. I know that. And yet, to me this seems even lower. It is horrible that he killed his wife and an innocent bystander. But to get away with the crime, and then write a book about it, as if he hadn't done it, but knew how it was done makes it that much more horrific.

I hope no one buys the book. I hope he betrays himself in some way that leads to another lawsuit. I hope they find some other crime they can charge him with. I wished I believed in hell, because it would be satisfying to imagine him burning there for an eternity.

I should focus on the big things, but

I should focus on the larger issues, but I just can't help myself. Heath Shuler, former quarterback for the Redskins, won his seat in North Carolina. He's part of the Democratic freshman class.

For those who don't remember his brief tenure with the Redskins, it was characterized by his being too damn dumb to learn the plays. I met a painter who worked on his house -- Shuler had actually written all the plays on the walls of his house to help him try to learn the playbook.

I admire his persistence. But -- a) football is not usually played by rocket scientists, but somehow they all learn the plays, b) the playbook is SECRET and is supposed to be carefully guarded and c) wouldn't it have been easier to carry a notebook or something?

I can't wait to see how he does in Congress!

a good thing

No political rant today. Just a good thing. I went to a parent teacher conference on Friday, to get my son's grades. He is in 7th grade, at a school for bright kids with severe to moderate learning disabilities.7th grade marks the first year that he is graded for his work. He got 5 As and 3 Bs. I was very happy, but that is not the good thing. The good thing is that his English teacher described him as definitely college-bound!!!

This is something most middle-classed parents take for granted. But we had been told it would be remarkable for our son to graduate high school. Getting him through 12th grade has been our focus for the last 4 years or so, ever since his learning difficulties were first diagnosed. To hear someone, anyone, discuss seriously his college potential was just amazing. I felt like a hundred pounds were lifted from me, weight I hadn't even known I was carrying.

To be clear -- I don't care if he doesn't want to go to college. That is fine with me. What I want is for him to have the option to choose. I don't believe there is only one path to happiness or success in life. He can choose whatever he wants, whatever fulfills him, and I will truly be happy with that. But I feel great relief that his options are open.

my best decisions

I went to dinner tonight with my two best decisions. Decision #1 is my husband, whom I married over 20 years ago, and still adore. Decision #2 is my son. My life is infinitely richer for the two of them. I try to make sure they know this, but day-to-day stuff often gets in the way.

I think it's amazing that both my best decisions involved very little rational thought. I was too young, too impulsive, too out of control to get married. I was too into my career, too self-absorbed, too confused to have a child. Yet, through sheer dumb luck, it has worked better than I could possibly have imagined.

Sometimes, impulse works.

the difference between a reason and an excuse

I've been mulling over something the last few days -- the difference between a reason and an excuse. It seems we have become a culture of victims. We are "adult children of alcoholics", "incest survivors", "abused children" etc. While I think the desire to figure out why we do what we do is wonderful -- I am concerned as to where it has led us.

Understanding that the abuse you suffered as a child affects your behaviour today is important. You have the reason for your behaviour. What you don't have is an excuse for future behaviour. When Mark Foley was accused of inappropriate emails to underage boys -- he said he had been fondled by a priest when he was a child. The fondling may be the reason, but it doesn't mean he gets to fondle kids now. It doesn't provide an excuse.

It's like we got the first part of the puzzle -- trying to figure ourselves out, by looking at our past. But we missed the second part, where you take that understanding and self-knowledge and use it as an impetus for change. At some point, you stop being the child of your parents, and you start being the adult in your own life. If you were a victim, you aren't any more. You can deal with your past, you can acknowledge what was done, you can hurt and grieve but you have to take the steps to heal. That is your true responsiblity, beyond self-awareness, beyond understanding, comes the difficult action to overcome and heal.

Otherwise you give the past complete power over yourself, and you truly are a victim.

okay, we won -- now what?

I swear I held my breath for hours last night, glued to CNN for election results. Things pretty much went my way. So I should be elated, yes? Well, I am, in a way. I do feel like taking a victory lap, or uttering a polite nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah. But now, now we have to do something with all this momentum.

Can the people we've put in office make a difference? Will they? Can we truly have the most ethical, decent Congress ever (Nancy Pelosi says we will)? Can we sort out the muddled issues in the middle east? calm both Iran and North Korea? restore civil liberties? just f*ing talk to each other civilly after a nasty election?

I guess now the real work begins.

Just VOTE!

That's it today -- my total message: Just VOTE!!!

RELIEF!!

We spent a portion of today at the cardiologist. No, not for my husband or for me. For the dog. Our puppy, Largo, has a heart defect. Today we looked at his heart with ultrasound, watched the blood flow (in color). He has VSD; it is a genetic defect. We will have to visit the cardiologist once a year, to monitor it. But we don't have to restrict his activities, it shouldn't affect his life-span or his health. He can even, thank god, be neutered.

I cannot tell you how relieved I feel. We have fallen for this dog, and it is wonderful to know he will be part of our lives for a good long time.

it's fall, it's sunday, it's FOOTBALL

For those who know me, it is no surprise that I spent today watching NFL football. For those who know me only slightly, it always seems to come as a large surprise. I am a geek, a secular humanist with intellectual leanings. I am supposed to like chess. I might be a "george will" intellectual, and be forgiven a passion for baseball. But I am not fond of either game. I LOVE football. I really care if the Ravens or the Redskins win. I yell at the TV. I eat salty snacks and drink beer. I read the sports pages. I have been known to bet on games, or get in on a football pool when I can.

There is nothing deep about football. It's all right there on the surface. There are no sabremetrics in football. Nobody pretends it's a mental game. It's honest. I love the competition, the athleticism, the sheer brute masculinity of it all -- large sweaty men pounding at each other. I love the emotion on the sidelines, the prayers, the crying, the yelling. I like the mud, the snow, the rain, the steam rising from the heads of the players.

odd perspective

Evangelist Ted Haggard was forced to resign his position this week. According to a male prostitute, Haggard has paid him for monthly sex for 3 years, and used methamphetamine in his presence frequently.

Haggard vehemently denied the sex. He admitted to the methamphetamine buys, though he says he never used the drug. He also admitted to paying the male prostitute for massages, but not for sex.

I find it hard to believe that Haggard's perspective is so skewed that he thought it was far better to admit to illegal drugs, than to admit to gay sex. I guess he feels his congregation can understand a little partying, but not HOMO-SEXshewal RE-Lations.

I also thought it was interesting that the male prostitute felt he had to come forward before the elections. Haggard was violently opposed to gay marriage, and apparently the issue is on the ballot in their state. The prositute thought Haggard was being hypocritical, having gay sex while opposing marriage for gays.

The prostitute is on much higher moral ground than the evangelist.

introducing the finger of shame award

Okay, I am formally introducing a new "award" -- the FINGER OF SHAME. I will periodically award one to someone I feel has embarassed himself, his country, his planet.

Today, I am playing catch-up, so I will be awarding several FOS (fossies???)

to Michael Steele, for campaigning not on his record, or his position on issues, but on puppies!

to George Bush, for, well pick a reason, they're all good

to Kanye West for putting the ugly in ugly american with his antics at the foreign grammies

to Paris Hilton, for being a waste of space, despite being born with every possible advantage

If you think of someone who really deserves a FOS, just shoot me an email. I'll try to put 'em up as I get 'em.

meditation on unbelief

I have been reading today about religion and faith. We have a philosophy professor coming to lecture our class tonight, and he gave us a selection of readings (Clifford, Kierkagaard, James) that argue for or against the logic of religious belief.

This puts me in an odd position. I do not believe, and am not a member of any organized faith. I don't believe in the concept of worshipping a deity. So am I bristling at the arguments propounding faith as a logical choice because I don't have any? or because the argument is unsound?

The truth is that I would LOVE to believe, to have faith. It must be comforting to relax and trust in a higher power. It must be soothing in the dark night of the soul to think there is a guiding hand in all things. I seem constitutionally incapable of religious faith. I have read the Old Testament, the New Testament, most of the Koran, parts of the Book of Mormon, a whole slew of excerpts from most major religions. I have been to Sunday School, gone through Catholic Catechism classes, been baptized, confirmed, gone to confession, meditated, visited mosques and cathedrals and temples. And my unbelief stands, unshakeable.

What is it in other people that I don't have? what makes it so easy for some to connect with religious faith, and so impossible for me?

I do feel a strong spiritual tug, when I am out in the woods, when I walk the beach, when I hear certain music. But this is not the same sort of thing at all; this is more a connection that I feel with other living things, a centering with place and time.

food for thought.

from kevin tillman to god's ear

Kevin Tillman is Pat Tillman's brother. For those of you who don't know, Pat Tillman was a professional football player. He elected to give up his pro career and go to Iraq, because our country told him it was the right thing to do, and he died there, the victim of "friendly fire". His brother Kevin has written a moving tribute, available on the web at http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/200601019_after_pats_birthday.

I urge you to read it, and to take it to heart. Pat Tillman was a good man, and we as a nation sent him to his death, for no reason that wasn't a lie.

that'll keep 'em out!

The president signed a bill today, authorizing 700 miles of FENCE along the US-Mexico border. Yup, that'll keep 'em out. You bet. A fence couldn't even keep my terrier out... but it will keep illegal immigrants at bay.

Gotta show we're tough on illegal immigration, because the ELECTION is in a few weeks. BTW, there is no money in the bill to pay for the fence. However, estimates are in the billion dollar range. For a billion dollars, you could pay people to just stay home. And nobody would have to build nothin'.

Have we LOST OUR MINDS?? We really need another symbol of US oppression. Our very own BERLIN WALL. I can feel the love just burgeoning across the world.

a sad day for our country

Today, President Bush signed the Military Commissions Act, otherwise known as the terrorist interrogation bill. With that one action, habeas corpus is dead, and all of our civil liberties are in peril.

The American Civil Liberties Union said the new law is "one of the worst civil liberties measures ever enacted in American history."

"The president can now, with the approval of Congress, indefinitely hold people without charge, take away protections against horrific abuse, put people on trial based on hearsay evidence, authorize trials that can sentence people to death based on testimony literally beaten out of witnesses, and slam shut the courthouse door for habeas petitions," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony D. Romero.

Fear is a truly terrible thing. To keep our country "safe", we seem willing to give up every freedom we hold dear. Terrorism is the new boogeyman; mention it and we quake in our beds like little children in the night. Where do we draw the line? If Bush says his administration can't step down because we are at war, and to leave office would aid the terrorists, would we let him have an illegal third term? Will we arrest journalists for "aiding terrorists" by reporting the truth in Iraq? Will we bankrupt our future to "protect" our present?

Really -- how afraid are we?

meditations

Today my thoughts are with the poor Amish families of Lancaster, as they try to make sense of their profound losses in the recent school shooting. I would send prayers their way, if I believed. Absent faith, I will think warm thoughts and hope they waft to Lancaster, to comfort the bereaved.

ready to throw some tea

I am ready to throw some tea into the harbor. Okay, I mean that figuratively -- I love tea, and I love the harbor, so really, not going to happen. BUT -- I am starting to feel a tad revolutionary. The news is not helping. We have the ex CIA director, George Tenet, saying he plead with Condoleeza Rice to heed warnings of an Al Quaeda attack, 2 full months before 9/11. We have lots of "did not/did too" going on. We have a high ranking congressman sending dirty emails to teenage boys, while serving on the committee writing laws about this kind of behaviour. We have generals saying the administration is overstating the success in Iraq. We have rumors that the President's wife tried to get Donald Rumsfeld fired. We have rumors that Rice did the same thing. We still have Rumsfeld.

Maybe I will secede from the Union. Or declare war. Or put my taxes in escrow. Or, do what I always do -- sign a petition, write my congressmen, send a check to the ACLU...How pissed off do I have to get before I am willing to risk anything personal?