COVID check in

We've been self-isolating for a little over 50 days. We've had all sorts of changes, large and small. In that time, the kiddo was furloughed with pay. My husband was furloughed one day a week, without pay, so a net 20% paycut. His company was very fair and the furloughs are across the company. Everyone reduced one day a week. My company has to make up an enormous budget shortfall, so they have stopped funding our retirement accounts, and we will have no salary increases in the coming year. There will be furloughs and layoffs, but who and how are not yet decided.

We've had a run of mostly bad weather, lots and lots of rain. It's made it tough to get out for a walk, or to play with the dog, or for my husband to garden. Each time we get a day of sunshine, we are outside, getting as much of it as we can. It's a beautiful spring here, with very vivid colors and an abundance of life. Without human interference, nature seems to be clawing back some of its own.

I've been out a few times. I've been to the pharmacy twice to pick up meds for my husband. I've been to the office twice to pick up hardware and turn on computers that people needed access to. It was eery to be in a large office building and see almost no one. I saw the guard at the door, when I presented my ID. And I saw two people in the distance in the building. That's all, in a place where I usually see a few hundred people a day. On the plus side, I was able to get street parking less than a half block from the door. And I didn't have to pay for it.

I took a mattress and a few grocery items to the kiddo. His roommate just moved in from Pittsburgh. She's got a job in Baltimore, starting this week. They are best friends, so it was an easy transition, and I'm happy he won't be quarantined alone anymore.

We live a block from our vet, so Daisy has also had some medical appointments. She developed a skin infection and she's needed meds and medicated baths. So she's getting walked to the vet once a week. We call when we get to the parking lot. A masked attendant comes out and gets her. They call when they are done, we pay over the phone, and then the masked attendant brings her back out and hands us her leash. they give me a plastic bag with her paper work and meds inside.

We get food delivered from instacart. we can pick which store and mostly have been getting stuff from Aldi. I may try Sprouts next time since I'd like some ingredients Aldi doesn't carry. We're trying to minimize orders, so once every 2-3 weeks now for groceries. We also order out 1 day a week and have a meal delivered from a local restaurant. We'd like our local places to stay in business and we know the delivery folks need the work. I stocked up on dog food when we first started staying home, but I'm almost out so I will have to mailorder that from Chewy.

Socially, I think I'm busier than before. I used to try and limit nights out to 2 or so a week. Now that everything is virtual, I'm on zoom sessions 4 or 5 times a week. I'm in a discussion group on Lojong training 1 night a week. Calls with friends, virtual movie nights and virtual beer clubs. I do morning meditation with a virtual sangha. Virtual happy hours, virtual meet ups for "drinks". It's not the same as seeing people in person, and I miss presence and touch very much. But it is better than nothing and it hits some of my need for interaction.

Work is problematic. It turns out what I like most in my job is the people interaction. Zoom meetings are not the same and are frankly exhausting. It's harder to manage a team when we are all remote. We're being asked to do more, with less and for less and that's frustrating. Because everyone is working at home, the  days are stretched, with emails coming in later and later, and more on weekends.

It sounds like I hate the current state of things, but oddly I don't. By and large this has been a really good thing for me. I've had time to read and reflect. Time to stop and smell the flowers. Time to reconnect with my husband, with old friends, with family. I've learned new skills. Taken up yoga. Dyd my hair purple. Rededicated to my meditation practice. Gotten the first glimmerings of what comes next.

It's been different. It's been challenging. But that's not bad.

fear in the age of COVID

I think just about everyone has some level of fear around the virus. We just don't all fear the same things and we don't all express fear the same way. But we fear something.

I have been surprised about my own reactions. I am not a brave person. But I find I am not afraid I will catch the virus. I'm not afraid I will get sick and die. I very oddly feel like I'm just not destined for it. But I am afraid those near and dear to me might. and I worry very much that I might carry the virus and spread it to others, without ever having a symptom. I social distance. I wear gloves and a mask at the grocery store. I wash my hands obsessively. At night, my dreaming brain kicks into overdrive, where one loved one or another, or all of them, gets sick and dies. It's nearly always my fault. Before COVID, I rarely dreamed, or not ones I remembered.

There is guilt here as well. In my large house with a full freezer and pantry, and a yard to enjoy. In a job that easily shifted to remote work, with no interruption in pay or insurance. My husband already telecommuted full time. We have the luxury of face masks, delivery services, decent internet. We've got computers and backup computers. We have healthcare, 30 days of prescriptions. I pass the crowded bus stops, safe in my car. I try to remember to be grateful. It could easily be reversed. There are no guarantees in life. You can be hardworking, prepared, educated, be kind and decent and do all the right things, and still lose it all. None of it is a shield. 

At the heart of fear is this -- no one wants to lose what they hold dear. Even the hardest heart grasps at something. It's another connection we have with each other. It's okay to be afraid, to sit with it and get to know it, and recognize it in others, and let others see our own. We can share our fears, and share our strengths. Hold hands against the dark.