you never completely know

It's never too late to learn something about yourself. My most recent realization is that I have a huge blind spot where illness is concerned. My 87 year old mother in law had the flu. I adore her, but I never thought of going to help her out while she was sick.  Only after a disturbed night of sleep, where apparently my much kinder subconscious was trying to get through to me, did it belatedly occur to me that maybe I should have gone over and made sure she was okay, or brought her some soup or something.

By and large, I think of myself as a kind person, an empathic person. I care deeply for the people in my world. But, if they are ill, I want them to just "walk it off". I do not want to bring water, soup, aspirin. I do not want to stroke foreheads, hold hands, sing a sweet round of "soft kitty". I want to RUN AWAY and come back when they are better.

It's not self-preservation, It's not some instinct to avoid the sick so I don't catch something. I am no better at treating myself. I do not want anyone to help me when I am ill, I don't even want anyone around me, and I rarely want to help myself. I don't want to take pills, rest, wait for things to heal, or in any way acknowledge that I am not FINE. JUST FINE.

It is a knee jerk reaction, outside of the realm of thought. Now that I am aware of it, I can work on it. I can figure out why it frightens me so much that I shut down.

Reflections on a New Year

The first day of 2013. Normally a day that would have me thinking over the past year, mulling resolutions, planning for the coming year. Except, for whatever reason, that's just not what's happening. I just don't seem inclined to review the past. I had a good year, mostly, and even the bad spots were necessary. Planning for a whole year seems like too large a task, and too pointless. The year will unfold. We'll see what happens, as it happens. I am trying to shrink my planning down, to look at this week, and maybe next. With luck, some day I will be able to look ahead only a day at a time.

My resolutions, are the same as they are every year now. To be better. I will be more patient than last year. I will be kinder than last year. I will give more. I will complain less. I will make more time for the people in my life. I will be fitter. I will be more financially responsible. I will meditate more. I will try to grow in my practice.

And I will be kinder to myself when I fail, or backslide, or miss the mark.