Monday, December 18, 2006

social risks

I am fairly outgoing, fairly comfortable socially, but I wasn't always. I used to hate to go to parties because they made me nervous. I wouldn't talk in class, because I was afraid I'd say something stupid. I was uncomfortable meeting new people.

Now I feel at ease (mostly) because I am comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and I don't feel like I have to impress everyone. But there are still holdovers from my early, introverted years, that I can't seem to shake.

We throw a couple of parties every year. I love planning the food, preparing the food, and I love seeing all my good friends. What I hate is inviting people. I feel so exposed when I do. What if they don't want to come? What if no one wants to come? What if people come, but because they feel they have to? Am I presuming friendship where none exists? What if I'm boring? And so on and so on and so on.

Once things are started, I'm fine. I enjoy myself. I think my guests enjoy themselves. All the worries disappear. But when I'm asking people over, I feel like a sweaty 8 year old handing out birthday invititations. Will I ever GROW UP completely???

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