Monday, April 11, 2011

guinea pig, the next next chapter

Today was my second psilocybin session. What follows is my report for the study guides:

Report – session 2

This session was very different. The first was transcendence, exaltation, joy, humor. This was prosaic. This was more about me, not the universal. I got to see how my mind works. I mean that literally. I got to …see…how my mind works. I saw it take my recent experiences, and add them to my existing symbol set and filter it all into some sort of order. It was beautiful and illuminating. I had a lovely sequence of rediscovering my arms, my fingers, of how my fingers worked. I marveled and enjoyed the mechanics of it all. I rediscovered music. That doesn’t exactly describe it. It was like I never heard it before, and I played with it, puzzling it out. Oh, this is how music works. I understood it. I was in a tribe, in Africa. Mud, wood, drums. And I called to my friends, each by name, and they came, and became part of my tribe.We danced and it was good. I was in Egypt. I could read the hieroglyphics. Water was everything. It pulsed through my culture, controlled what you were or how you were honored.I had the secret of the water, and that was good. I was in Vallhalla, feeling that I would fight and die with the people at the table, and that it was good. I watched the Gods rage on Olympus, tapping my foot with impatience, waiting for them to finish their bluster and games. It seemed such a distraction, and beside the point. The real answer was the day to day, the big IS. The rest was just ….theater.

There was work today. Three times I had to give something up. The first time, I had to give up language. Words broke apart and became meaningless sounds. And I got the message. I would move no further until I gave up language. It was a struggle. Really really hard. But I did, and as soon as I let it go, everything made sense again. The second time, I had to give up control. Again I got the message. I would move no further until I gave up Control. It was really hard. But I did, and as soon as I let go, I could move. The third time was the hardest for me. This time, I had to give up self. I had to really struggle, but in the end, I did what was asked. And felt an incredible sense of unity, of peace.

Several times, I felt I was done. I crossed my arms and said, “nope, not gonna do it”. I mean that literally. I was flat on my back, with my arms crossed, my foot tapping and all the defiance of an eight year old. Nope, You aren’t the boss of me. I am tired, and I’m hungry and I am not doing this. And then I waited. But it wasn’t over. I was just not going to get my way. Each time this happened, I eventually gave in. There was no point in insisting, so I might as well enjoy the ride.

This was all hard work. But it felt good. I feel like I did something today. I connected with the universal past, I survived many trials, and I persevered. I earned my place in the family of man. I don’t know how else to word it, but that’s what it felt like to me.

1 comment:

mehuslage said...

Hey, Raine, it's Mark. Loved both the write-ups! You've helped me find the right word for my experience: Grace. It's perfect. If you want, I'll send you my sessions to mull over. Just let me know: So glad we have this group to share this profound experience. I love seeing others smile knowingly when one of us relates a story. What a gift.