science and ethics and frankenstein

We went to see my son's friend act in a high school production of Frankenstein today. The play stayed very close to Mary Shelley's book. It was an odd choice for a school play -- it's not a happy or upbeat story. It's got a lot of very long monologues. Much of the action occurs off-stage.

The best part, other than seeing our friends and their kids, was really the drive home. The play led to a really interesting discussion between me and the boy about science and ethics. It turns out that he has very definitive opinions about some recent advances, like cloning. We had a lot of real give and take, and real argument. It was a conversation between equals, and it made my day.

Friends Thanksgiving

We went to Friends' Thanksgiving today. This used to be an annual tradition among our friends, dating back to our college days, a last chance to get together before we all went home to our families for the holidays. Today reminded me why we used to do this. It is so good to spend the "holiday" with friends old and new. We didn't talk about anything, but we somehow talked about everything. We laughed our asses off. Ate too much, drank too much. But most of all, basked in each others company. I felt stress just fall away in layers. Uncomplicated, easy, fun. I am so glad our friends decided to do this again this year. And I am hoping we decide to do it again next year.

simple pleasures

Sometimes the universe just shines. Today I went for a walk outside at lunch. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. It's 60 degrees. In November. The purple and gold pansies in the flowerbeds are all still in bloom. A stray black eyed Susan managed to blossom in the carefully manicured beds.

Bliss.

cooking is akin to magic

Cooking is akin to magic to me. I take a handful of this and that, apply heat, and transformation occurs. I love that. I can take almost nothing, and turn it into a meal that we all enjoy. It's also like magic in another way -- take good food, and a group of nice people, and alchemy occurs. There is conversation, warmth, love. I think that's why I like cooking for other people more than I like cooking for just myself. I still enjoy the cooking when it's just me, but the pleasure is just so much greater when there is a nurturing aspect to it. When I convey to others my love and care, through the medium of food, I feel fulfilled.

a milestone of sorts

I just shared a milestone with our son, one I hadn't anticipated. We just wrote his resume. He's in 11th grade, so I really really didn't see this one coming. Who the hell has a resume in 11th grade? apparently everyone. I actually found several templates online to choose from, all for high school students.

When I was in high school, you filled out a form to apply for a job. Resumes were for professionals, not teenagers. What would we put on a resume? that we occasionally did baby-sitting or mowed a lawn?

this resume had sections for education, for experience, for honors, for volunteer work, extracurriculars, skills, etc. He is applying for an internship at the ACLU, to complement his other internship at Catholic Charities. That way he will have 5 afternoons a week in internship.

It will be a wonderful experience, and I really hope it comes through. But I felt like I had turned it one of "those" parents, the ones that over-schedule and lesson their kids to death. It feels wrong for a 16 year old kid to need a resume, or have one. Isn't he still a kid? Isn't he??

traditional?

I was thinking last night, as I cooked dinner for my family, that I am more traditional than I would suppose. I've never really thought of myself that way. I don't wear makeup (except on special occasions or as part of a costume). I would rather wear jeans and a flannel shirt than a dress any day. I don't get manicures. I loathe the mall. I hate to clean. I say what I want. I have a successful career, but not as successful as I might have had if I weren't a wife and mother. I am not saying that in a negative way -- since I value the wife and mother aspect of my life much much more than work. But, when I think of what sustains me, what brings me joy and pleasure, work is very low on the list. Really, in my mind, I define myself by my "traditional" roles. I love my relationship with my husband; it lifts me and sustains me and brings me abiding love and pleasure. Seriously. Being a mother is one of the best things I have done, or will ever do. I have learned so much about myself, and about others, in the raising of our son. It forces you to see the world in other terms, with other eyes, every single day. And I really think this is a gift, and a constant joy. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done, and this challenge has been good for me as well. Being a friend enriches my life on a daily basis; I can't imagine what life must be like without all these wonderful people in it. They are my chosen family and without them I would be bereft.Work gives me satisfaction, it makes me feel useful and productive, it challenges and interests me, but it rarely gives me joy.

So really, when I look deep into my heart, I find that my husband, my son, my friends are really the core of my life. That's pretty damn traditional.

values

It seems that every day I am reading about "values". The tea party wants us to return to "American values", but seem to be arguing for a return to 1950s America. Teenagers are often deemed to have no values. Liberals are also often said to lack values. Atheists lack values. Muslims lack values. On the face of it, apparently much of the world is lacking in a basic something, as defined by the press, and large segments of the American population.

Maybe we should start over and start teaching values. Kindness. Charity. Honesty. Let's keep the list short for now. If we focus on just those three, surely we can accomplish something. How would this work? Many people learn by example. So modeling the behavior might teach a segment of the people lacking in values. Others learn by doing, so they should attempt to practice these values as well. Some people learn by rote, so we should talk about these things, over and over, until those folks also get it. We can teach the youngest children, in simple terms, what it means to be kind, to be charitable, to be honest.

What about when people ignore these values, or act in opposition to them? how would we deal with that? It seems to me that we would need to show societal and personal disapproval for the behavior, in a kind, charitable and honest way. I guess that means that we wouldn't prefer to do business with these folks, or hang out with them personally. We might want to not give them too much attention when they are being unkind, uncharitable or dishonest.

Let's give it a try.

group identification, not

I am reading Anna Karenina for class. We had a discussion the other night in class that is still bugging me. I don't like Anna. I like the book very much, but not the title character. I find her selfish, clueless and occasionally manipulative and evil. I was taken to task by a classmate for not being more understanding and for judging another woman so harshly. In essence, I should have more slack for other women, since we are oppressed together.

my problem is that a) I don't identify as an oppressed woman (and yes, I realize many women are treated unfairly and unequally, I just don't define myself that way) and b) the attitude implies that I should have more sympathy for injustices done to members of groups I belong to. To me this is a scary place to be, ethically. I oppose injustice. Unilaterally. By the argument made in class, I should have less sympathy for gay men and women, because they aren't my oppressed minority, and more for women, because they are. Makes no sense to me.

And even if I give Anna my sympathy, my pity and my understanding, which I do, it doesn't mean I have to like her. And I don't have to respect her actions, no matter how human they are. Yes, it is human nature to tear down the spurned ex, to make yourself feel better about your new choice. Doesn't make it an attractive behavior, or an admirable one. Deception and manipulation in order to see your lover, for whom you have an uncontrollable passion, is still deception and manipulation.

The argument also supposes that all women are the same, as if we were interchangeable blocks. I prefer to treat each case individually. There are women I admire immensely. There are women I like immensely. I don't see how I can like them all.

a larger world

My world is so much larger than it was a few years ago. Through school, I have met a number of wonderful people, and have made some lifelong friends. Through neighborhood events and get togethers, we have added so many terrific folks to our lives. Over time, friends have moved away, and in keeping in touch, we have expanded the daily geography of our lives. I know what's going on in Kent, Ohio, in New Hampshire, in San Francisco. I care more about what's happening outside our borders, with friends in Germany, in Saudi Arabia, in Slovakia, in England.

The larger my world gets, the closer it all feels. And that's a good thing.

parental oddities

The other day there was an slight hiccup at our son's school. A boy hit a girl in front of my son; our son hit him back to defend the girl. And I was proud of him. I don't understand that reaction in myself. I oppose violence except in self-defense. I really truly do. But when our kid told me that he "couldn't stand by and let the guy hit a woman", I felt...proud...really proud. I told him that I was proud of the sentiment, but that he could have handled it a different way. Maybe stand between the two, or pull the guy away. But really, at heart, I was glad he socked the kid. What values did I absorb over the years that makes this so?

empathy for those you dislike

I am trying, trying to find it in my heart to have empathy, sympathy for those I dislike. I'm not getting very far. I can get as far as assuming they aren't acting out of malice, but ignorance or from some well of personal pain. But I just can't get any farther. In the days after the election, I struggle the most. I just do not like Boehner, or most of the leading Republicans. I feel that they are going to hurt a lot of people by their policies, and actions/inactions. Repealing healthcare reform would be catastrophic for many individuals and families and will really benefit no one but corporate interests. I worry that smaller government will translate to disenfranchising the old, the disabled, the poor.

I will continue to try. Maybe I can work up to feeling pity for their misguided lives.

a message to the Tea Party

Dear newly elected Tea Party folks:

If you really believe in reducing the debt consider ending the wars and bringing the troops home. We really don't need to buy so many aircraft, bombs, bullets, ships, missiles, you name it. And we really don't need to be paying Congressmen so much -- consider returning your paychecks to help reduce the deficit.

Just a thought.

promises

All my promises are coming home to roost. I promised our son that we would buy him half a car, if he bought the other half. It's now parked out front. I promised him that we would take him to europe before he left for college. He's a high school junior. The tickets have been purchased, and reservations are made. I promised the universe that if he didn't go blind, and if he didn't die from ALD (which it turns out he didn't have, luckily), I would make sure to show him the world. He is going to Costa Rica in June.

I promised him that we would find a way to pay for college. I work at JHU, so we have a tuition grant for his schooling. I promised myself that he would be fairly self-sufficient before he leaves home. I still have some things to teach him before he leaves, and I am running out of time. Can he sew on a button? iron? change a tire? write a check? mop a floor?

I promised myself that he would know we love him. I think he does.

things are about to amp up

Having just finished the busiest month I can remember in ages, both at work and at home, we begin the "holiday season". We have Thanksgiving and Christmas on the horizon. And it is clear, at least to me, that even lots of fun social activities are tiring. Work is extremely busy, so I find I am working more than usual. School will just get busier until it ends in mid December.

I am already tired. I need to find a way to re-charge, and re-energize. I'm going to start up with yoga again this weekend, and have added meditation to my routine. I have been walking at lunch whenever I can. Maybe that will do it. I suspect though, that what I need is a long break, and a lot of sleep.

one good day

One good day can erase an entire week of stress and strain. I don't know how it works, but I do know that it does. Yesterday was perfect. Really. A beautiful day, with brilliant blue sky, perfect temperature. I had some morning time with my beloved husband, and then we went with friends to the American Visionary Museum for an exhibit "What makes us smile?". We laughed a lot, were amazed, impressed and amused. Can't ask for more from an art exhibit. We went upstairs and had a lovely brunch out on a terrace. Great food, even better company, and more talk and laughter. If we had gone home, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

Instead, we went to an MLA happy hour. Great conversation, good beer, good people. I could feel the stress just falling away. If we had just done this, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

We went home, I made dinner, and we watched a dumb movie together. And that was good too.

The whole day was full of laughter and love. A day like that goes a long way. It makes the hard days, the days full of work and struggle, all worth it.

taking another step on the path

I have been on a path for several years, a sort of personal journey, to try and be a better person. I have focused on being grateful for what comes my way, on being charitable, on being kinder. I have tried to stifle the judgmental part of me, and be understanding of the behavior of others. I feel like I have made incremental progress, inching toward where I want to be.

This weekend, I took another step on the path. I've decided to commit to being a practicing Buddhist. I just don't feel like I can go much farther without leaning on the wisdom of others, and without a framework outside my own head. I accept the Four Noble Truths, will attempt to follow the 5 precepts, and will work on the eightfold path.

There -- I said it. It seems odd declaring publicly something that I think I've been doing privately for several years. And it smacks slightly of "religion" -- that thing I have avoided for decades. I don't think it really is a religion, not in the way most folks mean the term. It is a spiritual practice, and a spiritual example, but it does not involve worship, or an omnipotent deity, which would be deal-breakers for me. It doesn't even involve "faith" -- which is another word I avoid. Understanding, acceptance, patience, virtue, persistence, reverence, I can handle.

It's a little weird for me, and maybe even a little frightening. I have to give up some of my stubborn trust in my own self and my own way. I have to give up a measure of control, and that is so not my best thing. I have to accept help and guidance, also not my best thing. We'll see where this takes me.

freedom of speech

I've been thinking a lot about freedom of speech lately. I think we have strayed a great deal from the original intent of this right. The freedom to dissent, to speak out against the government, to freely express political ideas is an amazing gift, one that protects and strengthens our democracy. It does not seem to me that freedom of speech extends to saying anything you want to anyone at any time, without consequence.

The Westboro Baptist Church has a right to say whatever vile thing they want about the war and it's causes. They have a right to do this in public. This doesn't mean they have the right to disrupt a private funeral with their protest. They can picket a courthouse, or the state house, or Congress. They can picket in front of the White House. They can hold a march or a rally to get their point across. No one is stopping them. They can't attend your wedding, or your birthday party, or grandma and grandpa's retirement party. They can't picket a serviceman's funeral, just because he died in service. That is insufficient to make it public property or a public event.

Saying they cannot protest at a funeral does not impinge on their freedom of speech. They are free to protest 364 other days of the year, or to picket 365 days in a different public location. They can talk to the press, get on the tv news, whatever. THeir message will unfortunately be heard. No one is stopping them. Just telling them they don't get to harm anyone else while exercising their right to free speech.

slowing it down

People who know me, know I love change. So what I am feeling now is new, and oddly unsettling. I am actually hoping, wishing, that things would slow down, and not change so fast. Our son is growing so rapidly, and maturing at a pace that scares me. I can see him getting ready to be on his own, and I am not ready yet. I am taking my last class for school, and I just finished my forms for graduation in May. I really don't want it to be over. I see us aging, and I'm not ready for that yet either.

The biggest thing is that I am happy, really and truly happy. And I don't want that to change. I'd like to gather up everything and hold it, just as it is, for a long long time.

back on the wagon

It's September, and that means it's time. I am back on the wagon again. Nope, not that wagon. The diet and exercise wagon. I am back to eating healthy and eating less. Low fat, low bad carbs. I am walking 45 minutes at lunch, with some of my co-workers, trying for 5 days a week. I am trying to walk on the weekends as well.

My typical meals:

breakfast -- steel cut oats made with fruit, six raw almonds on top
lunch - mini whole wheat bagel with smart balance peanut butter, an apple, a bonbel lite 1 oz cheese wheel, water
dinner - stir fry, brown rice
snack - slice of home made whole wheat/spelt apple zucchini bread (tastes better than it sounds)
I try to have another 16 oz of water during the day, 2 cups of black tea, 1 cup of green decaf tea, and a multivitamin

Trying to avoid regular white pasta, white rice, white bread, french fries, pizza, sugar

it's not awful, but I wake up starving every morning. I have lost 5 pounds so far. we'll see if I can keep it up long enough to make my goal, which would be to keep this up, both exercise and diet until thanksgiving. I also hope to lose another 12 pounds.

Of course, I say the same thing, and do the same thing every September.

Read the first amendment, please

...stepping on soapbox now...

The first amendment to the Constitution of the United States was ratified in 1791. It guarantees freedom of religion. It GUARANTEES the freedom of religion. Got it? I hope so. This means we have NO NATIONAL RELIGION. We don't. We are not a CHRISTIAN NATION. We are a nation where everyone is free to worship in their own way, or in no way at all. This is part of our birthright as Americans. I can be a Muslim, and a true, patriotic American. I can be an Atheist, and be a true, patriotic American. I can be a Baptist, a Mormon, a Buddhist, and be a true, patriotic American.

My fellow Americans are supposed to respect that freedom. They are not supposed to cast aspersions on my patriotism because I worship in a different way. They are supposed to fight for my right to worship in my own way, and I am supposed to fight to see that their rights are equally respected.

This means that even if I disagree with your beliefs, even if I think you are a fucking moron, I acknowledge, respect, affirm your right to go to hell in a handbasket in your own unique way. I defend your right to believe what you want.

My rights end where my fist meets your nose, or where yours meets mine. I can believe whatever I want, I can worship how I want. You can believe what you want, you can worship how you want. You cannot do me harm through that worship, and I can't do you harm with mine. You can believe I am evil, you can pray for my eternal damnation, but you can't set fire to my church, you can't burn a cross on my lawn. You can't break the laws that protect us all, as part of worship. One freedom does not cancel out another.

I believe this extends to hateful acts. I think that burning religious texts of other faiths, when done publicly, is a hate crime. You want to burn a Quran in your fireplace. Go ahead, no one is watching you. If your faith demands it, go ahead. But make a big public bonfire, and toss the Quran into it, and you are committing a hate crime, punishable by law.

This is as it should be. Because the first amendment implies that we must embrace and accept religious diversity as part of our being American citizens.

---- stepping off soapbox now -----