maternal rage

You know, I am not a person given to wild rage. But yesterday, I could have hurt someone. I didn't, and I am still amazed at my restraint.

We went yesterday to pick up our new puppy. The breeder had called and scheduled the appointment. We have had a deposit down for 6 months, have met with the breeder, filled out a long application, gone up and played with the dogs.

We arrived at 5pm, as scheduled. She said she needed ten minutes and to just wait outside. We admired the puppies, picked blackberries, and hung out. The breeder came out, picked one pup from two outside cages filled with puppies (16 puppies in all!), and handed him to us. We petted and admired "MAX", the name we had decided on. We helped give him a bath, amused the pup with toys, etc. At one point, the very large puppy wiggled a bit, and my son dropped him. The pup was fine, but the breeder was upset, and my son cried and was frantic that he had hurt the puppy. He hadn't. They played some more, and we went to sign our contract.

Then things got weird. The breeder had not gotten the shots the puppy was supposed to have. She didn't have the health guarantee either. She hadn't microchipped the puppy. Before we could start discussing this, the puppy again wiggled out of my son's arms, from about a foot above the ground. The breeder got an odd look on her face, and then said she was "uncomfortable" and would return our deposit.

My son began weeping unconsolably. I asked her to please not do this to him. She answered that she had to protect her pups. She went inside, leaving us to try to calm our son. She came out, gave us our deposit, and shut the door again.

I have NEVER been so pissed off in my entire life. She hurt my son, making him think he was a bad person. It was his twelfth birthday, a fact she knew. And yet, rather than give us an opportunity to help him with the dog, she just decided we couldn't handle the animal. My son spent the whole car ride home weeping that he had hurt the puppy, that he didn't deserve a dog, and that he had made us lose Max.

I could have killed the woman. That is not an exaggeration. I think at that moment, I really could have. I have never felt anything like that before, so cold and irrational. I held it together for my son; I didn't want him to see me lose control in anger at another person. But oh my god it was hard, maybe the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am calmer now, but not by much. We will get another dog, I am sure. And my son will love the new pup, and get over his disappointment eventually. But I would do anything to erase the hurt he felt, anything.