lab rat

I am contemplating being a guinea pig. Again. I used to make a few dollars now and again, by participating in university research as a test subject/paid volunteer. I have tested fabrics, by wearing uncomfortable shirts while pedalling on an exercise bike (they were testing wicking, so I had to sweat!). I volunteered at Goddard, testing robotic arms and remote sensing. It was like playing the world's coolest video game. I moved a robot arm across a simulated lunar landscape, and tried to pick things up while looking in a reverse image in a mirror. Odd, but fun.

the current prospect is a spiritual/meditative research project. It's a six to eight month study, with meditation, and three psilocybin sessions. Yup, shrooms. The hypothesis is that the meditation and the shrooms combine to produce a transcendent, spiritual experience. As a faithless person, a serious atheist, this is just too intriguing to pass up. If the time commitment is reasonable, and the risk is non-existent, and I turn out to be an acceptable test subject, I am definitely going to do it. I'll know more tomorrow, after my phone interview and info session.

In an earlier study by the same researcher, 22 out of 28 subjects said the experience changed their lives... for the better. Hmmmm...

organizing my life

I am spending this week organizing my life. Not metaphorically, mind you, but in the real world. I am tackling a bunch of irritating clutter spots, and issues. I cleaned out the desk in our foyer yesterday, finding all kinds of odd things. We had a Christmas stocking we bought for the cats, 4 years ago. I found school pictures, pictures of Largo as a puppy, a newspaper article about Obama's inauguration. Pocket knives, old cough drops, keys to thinks we don't have. Coupons that expired in 2008.

With that cleaned out, I tackled the buffet that I use as storage in our living room. I threw out a lot of stuff, arranged things in ways that made more sense, but still ended up with too much crap. We have 10 or 15 bagged, magnetic hinges. A picture frame our son made when he was 5 or 6. Lots of playing cards. A huge box of matchbooks. I drew a line and threw out the snow globe. I pulled out a seahorse I found on the beach, a fossilized barnacle, couple of other things. I set these aside for display. Then I heard crunching behind me. Largo had the seahorse in his mouth and was trying to eat it. Apparently he thought it was a tasty treat. I managed to salvage it.

Tomorrow I tackle the radiator by the front door. This has long been a spot where things get tossed. I have no idea why anything is there. I am going to get rid of everything, and find some sort of storage for the dog's poop bags. Seriously.

After that, I am painting the inside of the front door, and the windows surrounding it. The dog chewed the paint off the bottom sidelight a couple of years ago, and I have been looking at, and being annoyed by, the bare wood spot for all of that time.

After that, I tackle the household paperwork and odds n ends that always end up in my sitting room. Probably why I have never really gotten to use that room. Well, that, and its really cold in there. Once I get it cleaned out, I can work on getting it to be useful space for me. I want to use it for meditation, and for quiet time.

So maybe all this cleaning isn't just literal. Maybe it is a metaphor. Now that school is over, I need to tame the chaos, and make space for the next adventure. I need order, so that I can be organized for our son and the planning and paperwork that will come with the college admission process. I need to gather my sources, so I can write my portfolio, so I can graduate. And with everything in its place, I can relax. I don't feel like there are chores hanging over me, left undone. I guess a little order will feel like an accomplishment as well, a sign that I did something with my time.

how the buddhist thing is going

So, I've spent the last couple of months trying to live by Buddhist principles. I've had some successes and some failures. I find meditating really really difficult. I enjoy the way I feel afterward, though. And for me the most difficult parts aren't what I thought they would be. I really thought that quieting my racing mind would be the big hurdle, but actually, it's been the pain of sitting. I have trouble with my knees. Lots of trouble. As in pain, in every position but one, which is stretched straight out. So I could meditate laying down, but then I fall asleep. Sitting in a chair has been the best I can manage so far.

I thought I would feel frustrated, irritated, with trying to have empathy for people I dislike, but instead, I found it freeing and enlarging. I don't know how/why that works but it does. I still get pissed. I still flip people off or curse in traffic. But there is a moment, immediately after, where I seek for and find understanding. Go figure. I feel I have made incremental progress, but see myself on a path that will expand my world, and improve my life. That's a good thing.

what makes christmas

What makes Christmas? I was thinking about that the other day. We don't have a lot of serious strong traditions in our family. Some years we put up a tree, and decorate it. A few years, we just put up a little 2 ft pre-lit tree up, and left it at that. We usually put a wreath on the door. We go to my parent's house for Christmas Eve, where we have a large Italian seafood dinner, and open gifts with my family. Christmas morning, we wake up fairly early, make cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate, and open our gifts to each other, and see whats in our stockings. Then we head to my mother in law's house for Christmas with my husband's family. We open gifts, take a walk if the weather allows, and then have a nice Christmas dinner.

We used to assemble a gingerbread house every Christmas, when our son was little, but he has outgrown the practice. He used to leave milk, cookies, and a note for Santa out on Christmas Eve. I would drink the milk, eat most of the cookies, always leaving one with a big bite out of it. This too has been outgrown.

We have some favorite activities. We go see the lights on 34th Street in Hampden. It always makes us smile. We try to go out to Largo, to see the Festival of Lights in the park. Joyous! We take our son Christmas shopping. Up until recently, this was a trip to the dollar store, armed with a long list and his allowance money, supplemented by a few dollars from me. This year he has a Visa debit card, and an itching to go to the mall.

I am not sure what part of this is the essential part. It changes as we grow older, but somehow stays the same. I think maybe it's just one of those things you have to enjoy as it happens, and not try to quantify.

the impersonal universe

The universe is impersonal. Things happen in it, without regard for what you want, how you want it, or the power of your personal thoughts. The universe is impersonal. It doesn't give a rat's ass whether you are happy or sad, whether your plans are disrupted, whether what comes your way is fair or just. The universe is impersonal. There is an order to it, a balance, a completeness. But none of this is taken to an individual human level. Said another way, bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. This may piss you off. This may make you cry. This may make you rail against the heavens, gnash your teeth in despair. But it is what it is. The universe is a thing of beauty, a system of infinite possibility and potential. It is also horrible and powerful and terrible, depending on where you stand while it does its magic. You are every bit as important in the whole as a bird, or a gnat, or a grain of sand, or a tree. Humanity does not make you privileged. It doesn't make you favored. It just makes you self-aware. This doesn't mean what you do or say does not matter. It does matter -- to you. To the people around you. The universe is impersonal, but you are not. Because the meaning of life IS personal, and you decide what that meaning may be.

I find great comfort, when things are not going my way, to remember this -- the universe is not personal.

last post of November

This is the last post for November. I mostly participated in NaBloPoMo (national blog posting month) missing only one day, and that due to a technical issue -- no internet access. I learned that it is really hard to write every day in a constrained format, like this blog. I found myself fishing for topics. In desperation, I almost broke some of my own ground rules -- I almost blogged about work, almost provided details about my personal life. I don't do that because this isn't a diary or a journal. While maybe only 3 or 4 people actually read this, it is still "public" as part of the internet. Will I participate again next year? I don't know yet. Maybe. It was a stretch, and stretching is good, sometimes.

the big office move

I am in the midst of the "big office move". I have been in the same office for 8 years. Before I came on board, it was a coat closet. They added a custom wooden desk, built to fit the space, and a guest chair. A couple of years later, they added heat/AC vents. The room is roughly 4.5 by 6 ft. Really small. At various points I have had as many as 5 PCs in there with me. Right now I have two PCs, a printer, a stereo tower, wall mounted shelves, two file drawers that fit under the desk.

Tomorrow I move down the hall to a larger office, roughly twice the size. I will have more than twice the filing space, and much larger wall mounted book shelves. It is still a small office by most people's reckoning, but it will be palatial to me.

To get ready for the move, I have had to wade through all my stuff, and pack. I can't believe how much dust had accumulated in that little space. And the stuff! I had $4.50 in nickels, dimes, pennies, thrown in a drawer. I had cough drops from five years ago. I had every phone list issued since 2002 (that's like 4 a year for 8 years), all thumbtacked on top of each other. I had a pager issued to me in 2002 and never used. I had floppy disks. I had cables for keyboards they don't even make any more. Menus for restaurants closed long ago. Layers and layers of stuff. I had warranties that expired in 1999. I had manuals for printers that had died ages ago. I cannot believe the things I thought I might need someday.

Hopefully I will be neater in my new space. More organized. Make better decisions about what to keep and what to pitch.

But somehow I doubt it.

non profit idea

I have been discussing, off and on for a couple of years, the idea of founding a non-profit with a couple of friends. We have wanted to have a more active role in solving some of society's problems, something that goes beyond writing checks, donating old clothes, or volunteering an hour or two.

the current idea that I am kicking around is Community Kitchen. This would be a community kitchen, food pantry, a place to get free or low cost cooking equipment, a collective for buying cheap food/spices, and a place for teaching cooking and shopping strategies. The goal would be to reduce the food divide that exists between rich and poor. We would take donations, sell a cookbook, and help people stretch their own existing funds/food stamps.

I think this could work, and could really help.

lethargy

I find it amazing that after 3 days off from work, I am still tired. I feel this unbelievable lethargy. I napped today. And could nap again. I haven't done a ton of stuff the last two days. We went for a long walk outdoors both days. I did some grocery shopping. I did my reading for class. Did a lot of dishes. Watched a bunch of movies.

that's about it. It's like I've been storing up piles and piles of tired, and was just waiting for an opportunity to crash. I am guessing I need the rest.

movie night

very occasionally, we rent a pile of movies and have movie night. Tonight we have Paprika, an anime that predates Inception by about 4 years, but is very similar. Draw your own conclusions on that one. And Oldboy, which we are viewing next. I also have The Girl who Played with Fire (the swedish version), and Percy Jackson (because it looked so very very bad) to see this weekend.

the boy is upstairs with his own pile o films - including Patton and Reservoir Dogs.

Gotta love it.

in gratitude

I am sitting in my nice clean living room, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade. I have a cup of hot tea, a dog laying at my feet. The smell of turkey roasting in the oven fills the house. Soon family and friends will arrive to help celebrate the day. My wonderful husband walked the dog, set a beautiful table, and took out the trash. Our son woke up early, came bounding down the stairs, wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving as he did so.

I am grateful today for so many things. Food, shelter, occupation. Family, friends. Warmth, comfort, ease. My heart is full today.

Thanks!

Technical difficulties (no internet) prevented me from posting yesterday. So much for my month of blogging daily. Today's post is simple.

Thanks!

That's it -- just thanks, to everyone, for everything. The whole ball of wax. I feel heartfelt gratitude every day, even if I don't express it to one and all.

the season of gathering

This is the start of the gathering season. I love it. All sorts of excuses to get together and socialize, to catch up with old friends and to make new ones. There will be neighborhood parties, school get togethers, work parties, old friends visiting. We'll get the cards from folks we hear from once a year.

I absolutely love it.

the love of reading

there is a facebook list, from the BBC, of 99 books you should read. I have read 75 of them. Reading has in many ways, made my life what it is. Learning to read opened up the world to me. I could go beyond my family, beyond my street, beyond my neighborhood. It was a revelation to me.

I did not come from a family of readers. We had a small handful of books in the house before I started reading. Reading was not encouraged; it was viewed as anti-social and anti-family. I actually think that that was part of the original attraction for me. I could be alone when I read.

I had no discrimination and no taste. I read everything I got my hands on. I was probably the only 8 year old who had read both Dante's Inferno and Bob,Carol, Ted and Alice. I read a slew of classics, because my Dad found a set of books in the trash -- volumes by Poe, Conan Doyle, Ibsen, Stevenson. I still have them. I read pulp paperbacks, every sci-fi book at the Severna Park Library. I read a lot of smut. I read magazines, cookbooks, a ton of reader's digest condensed books.

Books became my peer group; my beliefs and opinions changed with every book I read. I went through an incredibly greedy, selfish phase after reading Atlas Shrugged. Heinlein had me thinking fascism wasn't such a bad thing. 1984 had me convinced government was a terrible idea. I read The Jungle and did not eat a hot dog for more than 10 years.

Eventually, I established my own sense of self, and my own opinions. Reading no longer pushes me into one thing or another, but it still mesmerizes and entrances. I still am carried away by other places, by living, however briefly, someone else's life. I have never read anything that couldn't teach me something, even if the only lesson was the writer didn't know how to write.

I owe my first grade teacher a huge debt, for teaching me to read.

apparently I am a pig

Apparently, I am a pig. I cleaned the oven today. it was disgusting. I also cleaned out and washed down the fridge. We had jars of things that expired in 2008. We had things I did not even recognize. We had a drawer we have never used, and that I didn't even realize was there. I have no idea how we go from day to day, and don't even notice how bad it gets.

Does this happen to other people? do other people clean more than we do?

harry potter

I am going to see the next installment of Harry Potter tonight, and I am as excited as a little kid. seriously. I spent some of my week re-reading the last book in the series in preparation. I adore Harry Potter for the same reasons that I loved Lord of the Rings. A fully realized world. A serious struggle between good and evil. The temptations and pitfalls of power. Choices have consequence, for good or ill. Likable characters. People are often not all good or all bad, but the usual mix of the two.

There is a lot more to this than a simple story to entertain children. And I absolutely love it.

this old house

We live in an old house, built in 1920. It is charming and really comfortable. It is also plagued with all the problems that old houses have. We have years and years of accumulated bad repairs, odd design choices, deferred maintenance to deal with. We have wheezy radiators, leaky windows, uneven floors. Now we have mice -- because it is impossible to keep them out of older construction. They have taken up residence in between the 2nd and 3rd floors, in our bedroom ceiling. Today the exterminator came, and hopefully that will take care of the problem.

I adore our house. I feel like it's HOME. It is exactly what I always hoped I'd have. But on days like today, I dream of a high-rise condo in a thoroughly modern building. No charm. But no mice either!

no great thoughts today

I have no great thoughts today, so I'm just going to post a wonderful recipe for chicken pot pie. In the long run, chicken pot pie is much more useful.

Chicken Pot Pie (serves 3-4)

2-3 cups of shredded, cooked chicken
large can mixed veggies with potato
8 0z sliced fresh mushrooms
2-3 heaping teaspoons better than bouillon chicken flavor (you can use chicken stock instead of water in next step if you don't have this)
1 cup water
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 teaspoon herbes de provence
tbsp butter
2 tbsp sherry
ready made pie crust

preheat oven to 350
in a large saute pan, melt butter
add mushrooms, saute 4-5 minutes
add sherry, cook 1 minute
add veggies, herbes de provence
add chicken

in a mixing cup or bowl, add water (or stock) to cornstarch and stir.

add cornstarch mixture to saute pan. cook until thickened (2 minutes or so).

ladle mixture into small ramekins or small bread pans (i used disposable mini loaf pans), or in 1 large deep dish baking dish

cover pans with ready-made pie crust (you may have to cut to fit, reroll, etc). Make vent in pie crust. put pans on baking sheet and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until crust is nicely browned.

Serve.

sometimes the words don't work

I am writing a paper, and it just isn't working. Sometimes the words don't flow. Sometimes things just don't gel. Ideas don't rise to the surface. Leaden prose. Muddy thinking. Just a big fruitless struggle. Hopefully things will click before I have to turn it in on Thursday. I hate to turn in something that is just not what I wanted to do.

connecting the dots

One of the great benefits to going back to school has been something I think of as synchronicity. What it really is is a sense of connecting the dots. Things just seem to connect and relate more. I went to see Frankenstein, which connects to a course I took on Evil in Literature, and somehow relates to The Hastings Report and medical ethics, which somehow ties to conflict of interest and disclosure at the office, which somehow connects to the elections, which somehow connects to Anna Karenina and the elections in the book, and one of the paper topics for that book connects to The Scarlet Letter, which my son had to read this summer, and to a class I took on justice, and so on and so on.

It keeps me thinking, and it keeps me seeing things in new ways.