things you have to teach your sons

Today's news carried the story of a fifteen year old girl. She was raped by multiple teenagers outside a school dance. Multiple others stood by and did nothing while she was raped.

As the mother of a teen-aged boy, I know I have certain lessons to impart. I have had the "don't smoke" discussion. I have had the "don't drink if your under-aged, don't drink and drive, drinking impairs your judgment" talk. I have even had the "if you are going to have sex, wear a condom" discussion, even though he isn't even dating anyone right now. I'm saving the "don't sleep with someone you don't want to wake up with" for a later discussion. We have discussed the whole breaking the law thing as well -- you can choose to break the law, but if you do, you have also chosen to take the consequences.

Now I have to add a whole new subject for discussion. Don't participate in gang rape, and don't stand by while others do. Really. Get out, call the police. I never thought that would be something I would need to discuss, but I guess I do.

Because I am guessing that there are some surprised parents out in California today, ones who thought their boys would never be involved in something like that, and never thought their child would stand on the sidelines and cheer while others raped a girl outside a school dance.

Pennies on the Dollar

Today was our annual United Way Campaign kickoff breakfast. As always, it had me thinking about people who need help.

Almost all of us would jump at a deal that lets us pay pennies on the dollar to buy something. If it cost a dollar, and I could buy it for a penny, I would. So would you. Now turn it around -- would you give a penny on a dollar? If you had a dollar, and someone really really needed it, would you give them a penny? How about if you had ten dollars, would you help someone out with a buck? I think most people would say "Yes" to that.

So this is my challenge to all of you. 1%. Pennies on a dollar. If everyone would dig deep, and give a whopping 1% of what they earn, we could make a huge collective impact on hunger, on homelessness, on poverty. That's a fabulous return, for pennies on a dollar.

blog action day -- climate change

Today is Blog Action Day, which means a topical post on climate change. Except I really have not that much to say.

Climate change is real. It is not a political invention of the left. It is not caused primarily by cows. It is not a natural phenomenon. It is a problem that man has created, with our great big brains, and our thirst for more of everything, and easier everything. And so we have cars, even for an errand around the block. And we have air conditioning, even when it's 70 degrees. We have microwaves because 10 minutes is too long to wait for food. We have huge houses to accomodate all our stuff. We crave fruit that doesn't grow in this hemisphere, so we ship it halfway around the world. We have short attention spans, so we have TVs, and stereos and computers and ipods and xboxes and a whole host of things to distract us.

If we each made a small change or two, if each and every single person, did one or two small things to reduce what we use, what we buy, how we get to places, we can make a dent in the problem. It's important. And it's urgent. So do something today.

seeing each other as cut-outs

When did we stop seeing other people as "people"? three teens in florida lit another teen on fire, as retaliation for preventing them from stealing a bicycle. repeat, a bicycle. A six year old is about to get sent to reform school, for bringing a camping fork/spoon/knife combination to school to eat his lunch. A six year old! Certain pundits cheered when the city of chicago lost its bid for the Olympics, because Obama lobbied for chicago to win. An American city lost out on an opportunity, and people cheered the loss. WTF???

We apparently see each other as cardboard cut-outs. It's the only explanation that I can see. Maybe there are too many of us. Beyond a certain number in a given space, we just can't see anymore. I don't know.

It scares me. How do we get back to seeing each other, really seeing each other, as people? With hopes, dreams, feelings, real people. It's important.

the new semester

The new semester has begun. I am taking just one class - From Jerusalem to Graceland. We are looking at sainthood, beginning with the byzantine saints, pilgrimages, relics, and ending with Elvis Presley and Graceland. It's thought-provoking, interesting,and just a heck of a lot of fun. Our class meets in what was the Walters family home, and is now the administrative offices of the Walters Museum. We meet in the parlor, complete with high ceilings, period furniture (except for our conference table), paintings, etc. It's definitely a treat.

I am already feeling pulled in too many directions, with too many time commitments. It
s not just a new semester for me. Work is heating up as we enter one of our two really busy periods. And our son has the busy schedule of a 10th grader. He can't drive yet, so I spend a lot of time schlepping him back and forth.

I have to admit that I love it though, even when it wears me out.

the lessons of sept 11

The lessons of Sept 11th are not that we should fear terrorism, or that we should give up freedoms for security. The lessons of Sept 11th are that we should help where we can, never take our loved ones for granted, appreciate our gifts and our freedoms, and live every day as if it were our last.

The people who went to work in the Towers that morning thought they would come home that evening. Many of them probably bolted through their morning routines. They might have remembered to kiss the spouse and kids, but they might not. If they could have chosen where to spend their last breaths, I doubt many would have chosen the office.

The firefighters, the police officers, the everyday folks who pitched in and helped, who ran toward danger rather than away from it, were showing us the way. That we give of ourselves, as much as we can, to help others.

Terrorism can strike anywhere, even the heart of New York City. America is not immune. But you can't protect against a truly determined killer willing to sacrifice himself; all we can do is try to get at the root cause, and not make more terrorists.

a national disgrace

OK -- I get it. People are sharply divided on issues these days. But really, people! The last week has been a national disgrace. Our President, our democratically elected leader, wanted to encourage the nation's students. So he planned a speech. And the floodgates opened. Talk radio hosts encouraged people to keep their children home from school, so as not to be "indoctrinated" by the President. Parents protested. Schools decided not to air the speech, because of parental pressure.

The speech was not political. It was in keeping with Obama's role as president -- to lead the nation. He didn't say a single controversial thing -- unless you think encouraging children to study is controversial. His purpose was to encourage children to stay in school, to study, to make something of themselves, to take advantage of the educational opportunities afforded them. What a rebel!

You can disagree with the President. You can dislike the person who was elected. But the OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT deserves respect. You can teach your children an invaluable lesson if you can teach them the distinction between the man and the office. This is a democracy. That almost always means that some people did not get their choice in elected officials. But it only works as a form of government if the roles are respected. I couldn't stand George Bush. I did not respect the man at all. But I respect democracy, and I respect the office. That's what we are supposed to do, and that's what we are supposed to model for our children.

Honestly, we can do better than this!

small changes

Sometimes, it's the small changes that really amount to something.

This morning, my fifteen year old son brushed his teeth without prompting. Then he packed a salad, A SALAD, for his lunch. I felt like I had won something. I'm not sure what, but I felt VICTORIOUS.

Today at lunch, I walked a quick mile, instead of web surfing. I got outside, felt the sun on my skin, enjoyed the cool spots of shade. Not a huge deal, not a real long walk, but I got moving.

Little things. Nothing earth shaking. But small changes add up. They really do.

mourning Ted Kennedy

Ted Kennedy passed away today. Often, he is described as JFK's brother, or Bobby Kennedy's brother. He was so much more. It diminishes him, I think, to label him this way, as if his importance is as a small piece of Camelot, rather than a person in his own right. Ted Kennedy was a Senator for 47 years. He was a champion of the poor, the powerless, the voiceless.

He made horrible mistakes in his life. He faced tremendous adversity and personal loss. Yet he persevered, when others would have faltered. He could have lived on his fame and power and money, and never contributed anything to anyone. No one would have blamed him for retiring from public life when Bobby died. But he didn't. He truly believed that "from whom much is given, much is expected".

He was so much more than "the last Kennedy brother". He was the Lion of the Senate, and he will be missed.

I can feel Fall

I can feel Fall. This morning, I woke up and it was cold. We had left the AC unit on all night, and the temps outside had dropped. It was actually pleasant outside, after a couple of sweltering, humid weeks. When I walked from the parking garage to my office, I actually wished for a moment that I had a light jacket.

Fall is coming.

Our son goes back to school on Wednesday. We've bought school supplies, a new lunch bag, school shoes.

Fall is coming.

I bought a new notebook for me for school. Don't need one, just love new notebooks. Work is getting busier. It's getting darker in the morning when I wake up.

Fall is coming.

Happy 27th!

Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. I still think it's one of the smartest things I ever did. And I would do it again, if I had to do it all over again.

My personal wish today is for another 27 wonderful years. My wish for everyone else is that they get to enjoy the same happiness that we do.

what I learned on my summer vacation

in no particular order, here's what I learned on my summer vacation:

• your kid can surprise you, in a good way
  
• any day that starts with a cup of tea, sitting on a dock looking over the water will be good
  
• to be really at peace, I need to be near water
  
• you can have too much fried food
  
• mcdonalds is even worse than I remember
  
• a few hours with a good friend can restore your spirit
  
• america is a truly beautiful country
  
• michigan may be one of the prettiest places I've ever been
  
• traverse city is a nice place to visit, but it is kind of stepford
  
• fresh raspberry blueberry cobbler is amazingly good
  
• summer at 73 degrees is very different from summer at 92 degrees
  
• we are spoiled by how nice people are in Baltimore
  
• don't underestimate the power of a really good armchair
  
• naps are essential
  
• there is a huge difference between hiking 5 miles in the woods, and walking 5 miles on pavement
  
• there is no sound like the laughter of a two year old
  
• sandwiches are under-rated
  
• the cleveland zoo is better than the baltimore zoo
  
• I want to come back as a sea otter
  
• I am not addicted to my computer -- no problem giving it up for a few days
  
• you can go out to eat too much
  
• it was easier to drive 500 miles when I was 20
  
• I need to take more vacations
  
  

would you sell your kidney for...

A rabbi was recently arrested as part of the huge NJ corruption case. He is charged with trying to broker the sale of human kidneys. For $160,000. Which got me thinking -- would I sell my kidney to someone who needed it, for $160,000? A woman at Johns Hopkins, Pamela Paulk, recently donated her kidney in a 16 way donor swap. Her kidney went to a complete stranger, so that a friend of hers at Hopkins could get a kidney from someone else who was a better match.

I thought recently about doing the same thing as Pamela. As soon as my son is out of the house, I thought, I would volunteer to donate a kidney. But I soon chickened out, mentally--since I hadn't actually committed to anything, except in my mind. But now, sad to say, I got to thinking again. For $160,000, yeah, I think I would give up a kidney. I mean, I was going to just give one away. Why not help someone and profit at the same time?

Like I said, it's sad to say.

47!

I am 47 today. I had a great birthday. Lots of sweet birthday wishes. A nice dinner with my husband and son. Got a couple of books as presents that I have been dying to read. Signed up for a half-marathon with a friend. We are going to walk it, not run it, but we have to finish in 5 hours.

My brother arrives tonight, so I will get to see him this weekend.

Life is full, and life is good!

15!

Fifteen years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy. 7 pounds 15 ounces, 21 inches long, if you care about such stuff. He had all the requisite fingers and toes, and we thought he was amazing. Fifteen years later, we still think he's amazing.

I am grateful that he's our son, and I am joyful at the prospect of what the next fifteen years might bring.

Happy birthday, baby boy!

ocean city

I used to go to Ocean City for a week every summer when I was a kid. We didn't actually stay IN Ocean City most of the time; we usually stayed in a campground outside of Berlin/Snow Hill. But we would hang out on the beach near 1st Street. We would fish off the getty there. And we would spend one day on the Boardwalk, eating Thrasher's Fries, playing Skeeball, riding the rides, playing the games. Mom would spend the whole day in the Bingo hall (don't know if it's still there).

Ocean City then was crowded. The people were invariably white, and blue collar below 50th Street or so, and white and white collar north of 50th. Traffic was crazy, and it was very difficult to walk around.

I just spent a few days around the 4th of July at the Carousel on 117th Street. Oddly, even with the holiday, Ocean City was less crowded than when I was a kid. They have made improvements in the flow of traffic, and in the local bus system. It was pretty easy to cross Ocean Blvd, even at high noon.

The people were the biggest change. Ocean City has discovered diversity, finally. For the first time, I heard people speaking foreign languages. I saw people of every ethnic background, skins of every hue. It was great. Northern OC is no longer the province of the wealthier summer visitors.

There has been some attempt made to plant some grasses, and to clean the beach. The sand is weird, too soft to be "natural" if that makes any sense. Basically when you walk on the beach, you sink into the sand. I think it's because the sand is carted in, and cleaned by machine daily. It looks great, but isn't the beach sand you find in Ocean City New Jersey, or the Outer Banks.

I enjoyed the visit. I might even go back.

a noticeable absence

For those who have followed my facebook ramblings, our beloved family dog has been in the animal hospital. Initially, the vets thought that the dog had a bowel obstruction, possibly needing surgery. Unfortunately, Largo has a heart condition. Surgery for him is, in itself, life threatening. He has a very small chance of surviving even minor surgery. But, if he had an obstruction, it would kill him if he didn't have surgery. So, huge stress-inducing dilemma.

Because they didn't want to operate, they elected to do a risky test instead. This involved Largo drinking a huge quantity of barium, which they would then trace in x-ray every hour to follow the path of the barium through the digestive tract. The test should take 4 hours to complete. After 11 hours, the barium still wasn't completely through Largo's system.

But he wasn't obstructed and didn't need surgery. He has pancreatitis, and we should be able to manage it with meds and diet, once we are over this episode.

All of this detail is really preamble. What I discovered is how noticeable an absence we have in our home, with Largo at the vet. I derive incredible comfort from the sight of the dog sleeping on the floor next to our bed. I am more secure, and I feel more safe, with the dog in the house. I even miss his rather over-bearing company at dinner. I hate his begging and mugging for food -- but apparently I miss it when it's not there. I can sit all evening, reading undisturbed. And it doesn't feel right. I keep thinking I am forgetting something. I feel this distressing sense of things being out of kilter. I come home at night and there isn't a face pressed against the glass. No wagging tail. No head-butt of adoration as I come in. I cook dinner, and there is no one watching my every move with utter concentration.

There is a hole here that can only be filled by a dog. And not just any dog, OUR DOG.

the company of women

I hate to admit this, but for most of my life, I haven't had much use for other women. For years, my guy friends outnumbered my girl friends. I work in a male-dominated field, where being "one of the guys" is a career advantage. And I've never been much of a girly girl. I think, though that I have short-changed myself.

When I got married, I entered inot the community of wives. I had more in common with the other women in my world. We had a wealth of shared experiences that came out of being married women.

When I had my son, I entered into another community, the community of moms. I suddenly had more in common with the other women in my office, and in the neighborhood. I found connections where I hadn't seen any before.

Now, as I age, and expand my universe of contacts, I am finding joy in the company of women. The commonality of experiences strengthens me, and my relationships. The resilience and kindness and intelligence, the fortitude and strength of the women I have met have added immeasurably to my life. Their humor keeps me sane, and their help keeps me going.

end of school year

We are done another school year. Our son finished up 9th grade today. He did well, although not nearly as well as he could. We won't get the grades for a few weeks, but he will likely get mostly Bs or all Bs. He could easily get As, doesn't even have to do better, just turn in all the homework. But he doesn't see the point, and doesn't get that it might matter at some point in the future. He reminds me so much of me at his age that it's maddening. I once told a teacher that I could do a ton of work and get an A, or not lift a finger and get a B, and that a B was fine with me. Yes, I was a pain in the ass, and a true joy to have as a student. SIGH.

Our son is politer, but really thinks school is a holding tank until you get released and can go on to what counts -- college. The idea that it's not the knowledge but the study skills and habits that he gets from doing the work that will help him get through college has not caught on with him yet.

I am proud of him, though, I really am. He did a ton of volunteer work this year, and took on a leadership role with Habitat for Humanity and with the Ronald McDonald House. He grudgingly participated on the track team, and did not let his lack of success get to him. He is participating in an honors group that discusses topical issues. So far, he is navigating the social waters of high school without too much fuss. He applied for a volunteer job at a day camp for the first part of the summer, and he got it. He went to CPR and first aid training and passed his tests.

Best of all, to me, is that he is becoming more and more of a person. Today he saw Sin City at school (no, not kidding). We talked about it. He said that it was a "great film, albeit dark", and might be one of Frank Miller's best works. OK, he had me at "albeit".

I can actually talk with him. And he can surpise me from time to time. That's the best thing to come out of this year, I think.

where are the parents?

I have ranted on facebook, and now I will rant here. In the news yesterday, there was a piece on gangs of teenagers randomly attacking tourists at the Inner Harbor. There was also a piece about a 16 and 14 year old who were charged with beating another 14 year old to death.

In both pieces, the emphasis was on the police and how they should do more to prevent these kinds of crimes. And of how the schools should be more involved.

Where are the parents? Your children are not the police's problems. Your children are not the school's problem. They are everyone elses' problem because you are not doing your job. If you have children, you have a job until they are grown. Raise your kids! They don't have to be perfect, no one is. They just have to be law-abiding citizens. That's the bare minimum. If you can also provide them with education, life skills, and produce happy, well-adjusted adults, go for it. But honestly, we would all settle for moderately socialized, and law-abiding. We really would.

How did this get so out of hand? When I was a little kid, every adult raised you. Every single damn one. Step out of line in front of an adult, and someone would correct you. No question. And your mom and dad, they would not resent it. They would appreciate the help. Bring a note home from the teacher, and the question wouldn't be, what is that teacher thinking, criticizing my child? It would be, "what did you do?"

Maybe parenting should require a license. You know -- read the manual, pass a written test, maybe have to babysit and get graded on it. Whatever. Something so that every idiot with working reproductive parts can't just have a child. Because giving birth does not make you a parent. Nor is it the sum total of your parental responsibilities.

I don't think I am asking for too much. You have them, you raise them.