a larger world

My world is so much larger than it was a few years ago. Through school, I have met a number of wonderful people, and have made some lifelong friends. Through neighborhood events and get togethers, we have added so many terrific folks to our lives. Over time, friends have moved away, and in keeping in touch, we have expanded the daily geography of our lives. I know what's going on in Kent, Ohio, in New Hampshire, in San Francisco. I care more about what's happening outside our borders, with friends in Germany, in Saudi Arabia, in Slovakia, in England.

The larger my world gets, the closer it all feels. And that's a good thing.

parental oddities

The other day there was an slight hiccup at our son's school. A boy hit a girl in front of my son; our son hit him back to defend the girl. And I was proud of him. I don't understand that reaction in myself. I oppose violence except in self-defense. I really truly do. But when our kid told me that he "couldn't stand by and let the guy hit a woman", I felt...proud...really proud. I told him that I was proud of the sentiment, but that he could have handled it a different way. Maybe stand between the two, or pull the guy away. But really, at heart, I was glad he socked the kid. What values did I absorb over the years that makes this so?

empathy for those you dislike

I am trying, trying to find it in my heart to have empathy, sympathy for those I dislike. I'm not getting very far. I can get as far as assuming they aren't acting out of malice, but ignorance or from some well of personal pain. But I just can't get any farther. In the days after the election, I struggle the most. I just do not like Boehner, or most of the leading Republicans. I feel that they are going to hurt a lot of people by their policies, and actions/inactions. Repealing healthcare reform would be catastrophic for many individuals and families and will really benefit no one but corporate interests. I worry that smaller government will translate to disenfranchising the old, the disabled, the poor.

I will continue to try. Maybe I can work up to feeling pity for their misguided lives.

a message to the Tea Party

Dear newly elected Tea Party folks:

If you really believe in reducing the debt consider ending the wars and bringing the troops home. We really don't need to buy so many aircraft, bombs, bullets, ships, missiles, you name it. And we really don't need to be paying Congressmen so much -- consider returning your paychecks to help reduce the deficit.

Just a thought.

promises

All my promises are coming home to roost. I promised our son that we would buy him half a car, if he bought the other half. It's now parked out front. I promised him that we would take him to europe before he left for college. He's a high school junior. The tickets have been purchased, and reservations are made. I promised the universe that if he didn't go blind, and if he didn't die from ALD (which it turns out he didn't have, luckily), I would make sure to show him the world. He is going to Costa Rica in June.

I promised him that we would find a way to pay for college. I work at JHU, so we have a tuition grant for his schooling. I promised myself that he would be fairly self-sufficient before he leaves home. I still have some things to teach him before he leaves, and I am running out of time. Can he sew on a button? iron? change a tire? write a check? mop a floor?

I promised myself that he would know we love him. I think he does.

things are about to amp up

Having just finished the busiest month I can remember in ages, both at work and at home, we begin the "holiday season". We have Thanksgiving and Christmas on the horizon. And it is clear, at least to me, that even lots of fun social activities are tiring. Work is extremely busy, so I find I am working more than usual. School will just get busier until it ends in mid December.

I am already tired. I need to find a way to re-charge, and re-energize. I'm going to start up with yoga again this weekend, and have added meditation to my routine. I have been walking at lunch whenever I can. Maybe that will do it. I suspect though, that what I need is a long break, and a lot of sleep.

one good day

One good day can erase an entire week of stress and strain. I don't know how it works, but I do know that it does. Yesterday was perfect. Really. A beautiful day, with brilliant blue sky, perfect temperature. I had some morning time with my beloved husband, and then we went with friends to the American Visionary Museum for an exhibit "What makes us smile?". We laughed a lot, were amazed, impressed and amused. Can't ask for more from an art exhibit. We went upstairs and had a lovely brunch out on a terrace. Great food, even better company, and more talk and laughter. If we had gone home, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

Instead, we went to an MLA happy hour. Great conversation, good beer, good people. I could feel the stress just falling away. If we had just done this, and done nothing else all day, it would have been a great day.

We went home, I made dinner, and we watched a dumb movie together. And that was good too.

The whole day was full of laughter and love. A day like that goes a long way. It makes the hard days, the days full of work and struggle, all worth it.

taking another step on the path

I have been on a path for several years, a sort of personal journey, to try and be a better person. I have focused on being grateful for what comes my way, on being charitable, on being kinder. I have tried to stifle the judgmental part of me, and be understanding of the behavior of others. I feel like I have made incremental progress, inching toward where I want to be.

This weekend, I took another step on the path. I've decided to commit to being a practicing Buddhist. I just don't feel like I can go much farther without leaning on the wisdom of others, and without a framework outside my own head. I accept the Four Noble Truths, will attempt to follow the 5 precepts, and will work on the eightfold path.

There -- I said it. It seems odd declaring publicly something that I think I've been doing privately for several years. And it smacks slightly of "religion" -- that thing I have avoided for decades. I don't think it really is a religion, not in the way most folks mean the term. It is a spiritual practice, and a spiritual example, but it does not involve worship, or an omnipotent deity, which would be deal-breakers for me. It doesn't even involve "faith" -- which is another word I avoid. Understanding, acceptance, patience, virtue, persistence, reverence, I can handle.

It's a little weird for me, and maybe even a little frightening. I have to give up some of my stubborn trust in my own self and my own way. I have to give up a measure of control, and that is so not my best thing. I have to accept help and guidance, also not my best thing. We'll see where this takes me.

freedom of speech

I've been thinking a lot about freedom of speech lately. I think we have strayed a great deal from the original intent of this right. The freedom to dissent, to speak out against the government, to freely express political ideas is an amazing gift, one that protects and strengthens our democracy. It does not seem to me that freedom of speech extends to saying anything you want to anyone at any time, without consequence.

The Westboro Baptist Church has a right to say whatever vile thing they want about the war and it's causes. They have a right to do this in public. This doesn't mean they have the right to disrupt a private funeral with their protest. They can picket a courthouse, or the state house, or Congress. They can picket in front of the White House. They can hold a march or a rally to get their point across. No one is stopping them. They can't attend your wedding, or your birthday party, or grandma and grandpa's retirement party. They can't picket a serviceman's funeral, just because he died in service. That is insufficient to make it public property or a public event.

Saying they cannot protest at a funeral does not impinge on their freedom of speech. They are free to protest 364 other days of the year, or to picket 365 days in a different public location. They can talk to the press, get on the tv news, whatever. THeir message will unfortunately be heard. No one is stopping them. Just telling them they don't get to harm anyone else while exercising their right to free speech.

slowing it down

People who know me, know I love change. So what I am feeling now is new, and oddly unsettling. I am actually hoping, wishing, that things would slow down, and not change so fast. Our son is growing so rapidly, and maturing at a pace that scares me. I can see him getting ready to be on his own, and I am not ready yet. I am taking my last class for school, and I just finished my forms for graduation in May. I really don't want it to be over. I see us aging, and I'm not ready for that yet either.

The biggest thing is that I am happy, really and truly happy. And I don't want that to change. I'd like to gather up everything and hold it, just as it is, for a long long time.

back on the wagon

It's September, and that means it's time. I am back on the wagon again. Nope, not that wagon. The diet and exercise wagon. I am back to eating healthy and eating less. Low fat, low bad carbs. I am walking 45 minutes at lunch, with some of my co-workers, trying for 5 days a week. I am trying to walk on the weekends as well.

My typical meals:

breakfast -- steel cut oats made with fruit, six raw almonds on top
lunch - mini whole wheat bagel with smart balance peanut butter, an apple, a bonbel lite 1 oz cheese wheel, water
dinner - stir fry, brown rice
snack - slice of home made whole wheat/spelt apple zucchini bread (tastes better than it sounds)
I try to have another 16 oz of water during the day, 2 cups of black tea, 1 cup of green decaf tea, and a multivitamin

Trying to avoid regular white pasta, white rice, white bread, french fries, pizza, sugar

it's not awful, but I wake up starving every morning. I have lost 5 pounds so far. we'll see if I can keep it up long enough to make my goal, which would be to keep this up, both exercise and diet until thanksgiving. I also hope to lose another 12 pounds.

Of course, I say the same thing, and do the same thing every September.

Read the first amendment, please

...stepping on soapbox now...

The first amendment to the Constitution of the United States was ratified in 1791. It guarantees freedom of religion. It GUARANTEES the freedom of religion. Got it? I hope so. This means we have NO NATIONAL RELIGION. We don't. We are not a CHRISTIAN NATION. We are a nation where everyone is free to worship in their own way, or in no way at all. This is part of our birthright as Americans. I can be a Muslim, and a true, patriotic American. I can be an Atheist, and be a true, patriotic American. I can be a Baptist, a Mormon, a Buddhist, and be a true, patriotic American.

My fellow Americans are supposed to respect that freedom. They are not supposed to cast aspersions on my patriotism because I worship in a different way. They are supposed to fight for my right to worship in my own way, and I am supposed to fight to see that their rights are equally respected.

This means that even if I disagree with your beliefs, even if I think you are a fucking moron, I acknowledge, respect, affirm your right to go to hell in a handbasket in your own unique way. I defend your right to believe what you want.

My rights end where my fist meets your nose, or where yours meets mine. I can believe whatever I want, I can worship how I want. You can believe what you want, you can worship how you want. You cannot do me harm through that worship, and I can't do you harm with mine. You can believe I am evil, you can pray for my eternal damnation, but you can't set fire to my church, you can't burn a cross on my lawn. You can't break the laws that protect us all, as part of worship. One freedom does not cancel out another.

I believe this extends to hateful acts. I think that burning religious texts of other faiths, when done publicly, is a hate crime. You want to burn a Quran in your fireplace. Go ahead, no one is watching you. If your faith demands it, go ahead. But make a big public bonfire, and toss the Quran into it, and you are committing a hate crime, punishable by law.

This is as it should be. Because the first amendment implies that we must embrace and accept religious diversity as part of our being American citizens.

---- stepping off soapbox now -----

what am I going to be when I grow up more?

I am way too old for "what am I going to be when I grow up". I am now starting to turn my thoughts to what am I going to be farther down the road. I am retiring from my current job in 7 years. I will be 55 and eligible for retirement. I definitely want to take it, but at 55, I will be far too young to stop working.

So what's phase II? I don't think I want to stay in IT beyond that point. I have found it interesting, frustrating, challenging and boring, depending on the task and the day. It has been a good living, and I am thankful that I lucked into the field. It has afforded us a pretty nice life. But I have been doing it for more than 20 years, and that's plenty.

I am thinking community college administration, or some sort of administration of distance education programs. Maybe. Or Consulting. Business process re-design, maybe. I have 7 years to get the necessary credentials/education to do something different. So I don't have to rush to decide, but I do need to start thinking it that direction.

a walk in the woods

The weather cooperated this weekend, and I got to spend some time in the outdoors. It makes such an immense difference to my mood. It really and truly restores my spirit. I feel in harmony with the world when I walk in the woods. The scent of damp earth, the crackle of leaves below my feet, the crunch of stone paths, the incredible green green smell of growing things. It wells up and fills every rough edge, every disjointed spot in my soul.

Sometimes I think the basic thing wrong with the world is that we are too removed from this. Simple things like wind on your skin, sun on your back, bird song filling your ears. We need it at a basic level, to remind us of who and what we are, and of our place in things. Spend too much time removed from it, and I think we forget. We start to see ourselves as bigger, stronger, smarter than we are, and then we start thinking off-shore drilling is no big thing, another skyscraper is just what we need, and we can master wind, water, earth.

We need to see ourselves as part of the natural world, not opposed to it or over it. The best way to do that is to just get out in it. GO OUTSIDE and play. It's good for you.

reunion thoughts

I went to my 30th high school reunion last night. It's the first one I have been to. I haven't stayed in touch with more than one or two people, so it was an interesting experience.

I went to a very large suburban high school in a fairly wealthy area. My graduation class was over 700 people. It was filled with cliques, and I didn't really fit in anywhere.

I didn't have a good time in high school. I felt very different, an outside trying desperately to be an insider. I had a job from the time I was 15, and that left very little time for typical high school activities like clubs, sports or socializing. I dated very little, and usually only a few dates with any one person.

Wanting to fit in, I tried to hide large parts of my self. I pretended I was dumb, as much as possible. I even shaved points off my own test scores, getting a few wrong on purpose, so I wouldn't get 100s. I don't think anyone knew I was addicted to reading, and read just about everything I could get my hands on. I definitely hid my love of sci-fi/fantasy/comic books.

I desperately wanted to be blond, wear the right clothes, have the right boyfriend, go to parties and be cool.

Last night was fun. I got to see what 30 years does to change some things. And how some things don't change at all. I watched the cool girls, who pretended I didn't exist back then, still look right through me. 30 years ago, I found that crushing. Now I was kind of amused. Some of these women seemed so sad, so pathetic. I saw how some people blossomed, and some withered. The surprise successes and the equally shocking failures. Some folks hadn't seemed to grow or develop at all. In 30 years.

There were people I couldn't recognize at all, even though I knew them. And the same was true in reverse. There were people who remembered me, that I could not recall; and people I knew, who didn't remember. Some folks really did not age well at all; others looked better than they had in high school. It was like some vast science experiment -- we applied 30 years to this group, and here is what happened. Fun to observe, at least in the abstract.

I had been dreading going, really regretting that I had decided I needed to go. But I really did enjoy it. I loved the feeling that I was free. High school really is over and done with. The yardstick I used then measured all the wrong things and I could finally toss it out.

politics and the prosaic

It really is beginning to bug me how the GOP is holding up all progress in Congress, and how spineless some of the Dems are in standing up to them. The idea that we can water down a bill, add concession after concession, and then it still doesn't pass. ARRRGGGHHHH. We need real change, and I am beginning to think it means a total overhaul of the rules. How do we get corporate money and the corporate agenda OUT of our politics? After 8 years of letting big money control our country, our economy is in the toilet, our world standing is in the gutter and we are barely speaking to each other. Clearly, the past attempts at letting corporations self-police, and doing whatever big business needs done, DID NOT WORK. How about we try something different?

When I can't control anything else, I retreat to my kitchen. So today's little recipe is for a very healthy tuna salad.

Tuna with White Bean Salad

3 cans of tuna packed in water, drained
1 15 oz can of cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
3-4 tbsp of italian parsley, chopped
2 tbsp of red onion, chopped fine
2 tbsp of olive oil
1 tbsp of newmans lemon/olive oil dressing
black pepper to taste

mix well, serve on lettuce, or make sandwiches.

48...

Today, I turned 48. I thought it might depress me, but it didn't. It did make me think, though. what have I done, what haven't I done? I have very few regrets. And most of those center on times when I did things I knew were wrong, or when I didn't do things that were hard.

I still have lots of things on my bucket list: travel lots more, learn to ride a horse, get scuba certified, finish my master's degree, write a book, take voice lessons (not so I can sing well, but so I can sing AT ALL), drive across the country, visit all the national parks, hold a grandchild

and I have goals, mostly around shape: get in shape, get my finances in shape, get my house in shape

I know myself better now than I did even 5 years ago. I am comfortable with who I am, and how I am. I am more confident. I can ask for help occasionally. I can say NO and mean it. I can let people take care of themselves. I don't have to run everything.

To me, this is my best age -- the age of contentment.

16!!

Today our son is 16 years old. I find this remarkable for lots and lots of different reasons. It seems impossible that I am 16 years older. It seems impossible that the little baby boy I brought home from the hospital could possibly have morphed into this lanky young man. How could he have changed so much in such a little bit of time?

All I know is that I have gotten so much more out of the whole parent thing than I ever expected that I could. I am madly in love with my husband, so I thought I understood this "love" thing. I didn't know there was a very different kind of love, and that I could feel it so strongly. I didn't know that I had so much to learn. I didn't know there were so many experiences that I had missed.

I knew kids changed your life. I just didn't know how much. And I didn't know how wonderful the whole journey would be.

Today, I am grateful. And I thank our boy for 16 amazing, incredible years of joy.

so much more

This weekend was a much needed break for me. I did a lot of puttering, spent time with family, got together with friends, ate, drank, read a lot. I got some rest. And as a result, I got a nice attitude adjustment.

Life is so much more than I ever expected, so much richer, and fuller than I ever thought it would be. I have exceeded all but my wildest childhood dreams. How many people can say that?

obsessing about the new

I am going through another wave of obsessing about the new. For those who don't know me well, this is a period where I start wanting a new job, or a new house or a new car or a new career goal. Every few years I go through this. Sometimes it leads to a new house or a new job or a new car. I really can't do any of those things right now, and I know it.

I want to stay at my current job, so that we can pay for college for our son. I want to stay in the house I am in because really, I love it, and the neighborhood it's in. I would love a new car, but I really don't need a car payment.

At the same time, while I KNOW all this to be true, I am obsessively looking at ads for mountain cabins, visiting car websites and reading reviews, looking at want ads, and position vacancies. Because knowing I can't or more truthfully, shouldn't, doesn't mean that I want to shake things up any less. In fact, it makes it worse.

It really isn't about "new" and it isn't about dissatisfaction. It's about choices making other choices unavailable. It's about that innate thing I have that makes me push back when pushed. That makes me say NO, even when I want to say YES, just because I am being pushed to say YES. It's a universal "you're not the boss of me". You can't make me, even if it's "you can't make me" do what I want to do. Senseless, but there it is.

Just because you understand what makes you do what you do, just because you recognize your own patterns, or can see your own flaws, doesn't mean you can change them.

cubanos

Cubanos

just a really satisfying summer meal/sandwich.

Ingredients:
thin sliced smoked ham (3 slices per sub)
roast pork loin (great way to use leftover roast pork, 3 thin slices per sub)
bread and butter sandwich slice pickles (2-3 per sub)
jarlsberg or other good swiss cheese, sliced (1.5 slices per sub)
dijon mustard
butter
sub rolls (1 per serving)

Directions:

split the sub rolls and spread open
butter one side and spread dijon mustard on the other
starting from the mustard side, place 3 slices of ham, then 1 1/2 slices of swiss, then bread and butter pickles, then 3 thin slices of roast pork. close up the sandwich. (and yes, the order really does matter, but I don't know why)

Heat a large frying pan over medium heat,

add 1-2 tsp of butter
place the subs in the pan
Place a very heavy pan on top of the subs (or a tinfoil wrapped brick or two -- poor man's panini press)
cook 2-3 minutes per side, or until crisp and brown and the cheese has melted

you can also use a pannini press instead (it's easier, but not nearly as interesting as coming up with your own weights)

serve with sweet potato fries, vinegar-based slaw or black beans and rice with sauteed greens

vanity

I really try to accept myself as I am. I really do. I have resisted the stray urges to enhance, fix, fake, color, reduce. But I am struggling mightily in the last few weeks. I have... a potbelly. I have been fatter than I am now. I have been more out of shape. And through all of those phases, I have never, EVER, had a belly. And now I do. A noticeable, round, tummy bulge.

I suspect age and genetics rearing their ugly heads in this. Instead of gaining weight in my ass, or my thighs, the places I have always gracefully carried my extra poundage, I am watching this round little tummy thing happening. And I hate it. I find it embarrassing, disturbing, as if my body is publicly betraying me. And I am not sure how to counter it. I have relatives who have taken on this shape, at about my age. What if this is just what my body is programmed to do.

I think I am about to become addicted to situps and crunches. Maybe that will help. But what if it doesn't? What if I end up a barrel-shaped Italian peasant woman? what then?

farmer's market breakfast

This time of year is wonderful, if you like to cook. There are just so many wonderful fruits and vegetables available. This morning's breakfast comes courtesy of the farmer's market.

Ingredients:

fresh apricots

multigrain ciabatta
low fat whipped cream cheese
zucchini
yellow squash
onion
1 egg + 1 egg white
olive oil
pinch of rosemary

Directions:
cut fresh apricots into quarters and set aside

split the ciabatta and spread one side with whipped cream cheese

heat tbsp of olive oil in pan
add thin sliced zucchini and yellow squash (less than 1/2 cup total)
add very thin sliced onion
saute until soft
add pinch of rosemary, salt and pepper
beat egg and egg white together, then add to pan
cook (scramble or omelet, makes no difference) just until egg sets
place on roll, serve with apricots on the side

why I hate BP

I try not to waste time or effort in hating anything or anyone. But I feel an uncharacteristic emotion when I watch footage of the Gulf Oil Spill -- hate. Absolute venom for those responsible for what I can only view as a desecration. I don't use the word lightly. I am an unbeliever, an atheist, for lack of a better word. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in worship or prayer. But I do love the earth and all it's myriad living things, in a deeply profoundly spiritual way. The Earth is my religion.

And BP has done an unspeakable thing to my planet. It may be 40 years, 50 years, before the Gulf can recover, if it can recover. Rationally I know this is not just BP's fault. It is the fault of regulators, of employees, of management, of our own insatiable desire for cheap and plentiful gasoline. I know that. Really. But I don't FEEL it.

What I feel is rage. I actually understood the guy who urged everyone to go pee on BP gas stations. I think it's petty, but I understood. I want BP to pay, to suffer, like my beautiful and beloved Gulf is suffering. I want them bankrupt, the CEO fired, criminal charges filed. I really do.

This isn't the kind of person I want to be. And these are not the emotions I want to feel. I just can't seem to summon up kindness, or empathy or understanding right now. Maybe in a few months. But not now.

a perfect meal

I have cooked a lot of meals. Once in a while, I feel like I have gotten it as good as it's going to get. Tonight was one of those.

The menu: vidalia onion tart, oven roasted asparagus, sliced tomatoes from the farmer's market.

ingredients:

1 pound fresh asparagus, bottom inch of spears removed
tbsp olive oil
salt
pepper

4 large vidalia onions
tbsp olive oil
4-6 oz of gruyere cheese
1 pillsbury refrigerated pie crust
1/2 tsp of rosemary

2-3 fresh tomatoes, cut into wedges, sprinkled with salt and pepper


in an ovenproof pan, place asparagus. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast 30-45 minutes in a 350 degree oven (longer if you like more tender)

while the asparagus is roasting, saute 4 large vidalia onions in a tbsp of olive oil. Cook the onions until soft, but not browned. Add a pinch of rosemary, salt and pepper and cook another minute

grate 4-6oz of gruyere cheese
place a pillsbury refrigerated pie crust on a cookie sheet. sprinkle a third of the cheese on the crust, keeping about 1/2 inch of outer edge of crust cheese free.
top with the sauteed onions.
top with remaining cheese.
fold the outer edges of the crust up and over,pinching lightly to hold in place, to make a rustic tart
Bake for 30-45 minutes until crust is lightly browned.

serve with asparagus, sliced fresh tomatoes.

time slips into the future

This week has been a reminder of the steady passage of time. I have a reunion looming -- my 30th high school reunion is in July. Our son is finishing 10th grade, a school year that went by in the blink of an eye. I registered him for driver's ed classes. A dear friend's mom passed away. Co-workers left for other jobs. I registered myself for my last graduate class in the Fall.

Time slips by so quickly. I see flickers of my own mortality in that realization. Contrary to the avowals of my younger self, I really am going to go someday.While I hope that someday is very far in the future, I cannot deny that there is an end to all things. What will people say about my life? Will I look back with regret, or satisfaction? Will my being here have mattered in any real fashion?

I wonder.

time for an old idea

It's time for an old idea to gain traction again. It's time we considered shunning, or social exile, as a way of expressing our extreme disapproval with a person's behavior. A person sells drugs on your corner? Shun him. His family, his friends, his neighbors, should all refuse to have anything to do with him until he mends his ways. We could clean up our neighborhoods pretty quickly. Everyone wants approval from someone -- from a friend, from a mom or grandmom, from a neighbor. What happens when they don't get it? What happens when you are excluded from everything? When people around you won't look at you, won't say hello, ignore you like you aren't even there?

I'm not expecting shame from the perpetrators. I think many are incapable of feeling it or acting on it. I do expect that even a hardened criminal can't live without social contact, without anyone at all.

hope in the singular

I love people. I really do. But individually, not groups. I have little faith in groups of people -- I distrust Congress, companies, crowds, the majority, the congregation. So many seem to abandon themselves to the collective will, and in so doing, lose their individual values. Groups seem capable of actions that a person would never contemplate. Lynchings, torture, genocide, war; all actions of the group.

But where I distrust the hordes, people, in the singular, are my hope for the future.

A single person can turn the tide of history. A single act of kindness can change someone's life. I hold onto these truths, and use them as my touchstone in difficult times. Always and everywhere, there are good people. Single voices raised against the darkness. Our future, our hope.

the oil spill as object lesson

The recent oil spill in the Gulf is an object lesson -- corporations exist in opposition to public welfare. The problem is that the corporation is like a virus; it's sole purpose is to grow and survive. Corporations cannot consider ethics, or public well-being, just CAN'T, unless this can be seen to be beneficial to growth and or profit. This is not because the corporation is blind, or callous, but because legally it exists to benefit its shareholders, and only its shareholders. Spending corporate profits to install protective devices to safeguard wetlands is a poor corporate decision, but a good decision from a human standpoint. The cost of the clean-up may change the corporate cost/benefit analysis, but probably not.

Private companies can make choices that benefit the community, or the planet, because the owners can decide to reduce profits, or slow growth, if they choose. They can operate ethically, be loyal to employees or customers, because they are controlled by the owners. This is not to say that all private companies are good, and all corporates are bad. There are corporations who feel their long term profits and growth are tied to being good citizens and stewards. And their are private companies that rival BP in their quest for profits above all else.

But companies can at least ask the right questions. The corporation can't even ask.

selective default?

I was watching TV the other night, and I saw a story on "selective defaulting". This is where you walk away from your mortgage because your house is worth less than you owe on it. This is different than foreclosure or defaulting, where you cannot make payments because your circumstances have changed. No, these people CAN pay, they just don't want to.

This bugs me. You borrowed the money. The bank agreed to lend it to you. You agreed to pay the loan back at so much money per month for the term of the loan. The bank does not promise you that you will make money on your investment. Some investments don't work out. You can look at my stock purchase of CISCO at the absolute peak of the internet bubble as an example. I bought stock for over $300 a share, because it was a "can't lose" proposition. Analysts rated it a "buy" when I bought it. It's worth about $40 a share now. That's how the universe works sometimes.

When you walk away from a debt that you have the means to pay, you are cheating the system, and to a lesser extent, you are cheating all of us. Because the money comes from somewhere. When you stick the bank with a worthless property, instead of paying your obligations, the bank has to charge more for services, or tighten up on foreclosures, or give fewer loans, or fail. When you signed those loan papers, you gave your word. You promised that you would pay off what you borrowed.

To be clear, I am not talking about people stuck in the nightmare of foreclosure or bankruptcy. If you can't pay, you can't pay. Shit happens. You aren't in control of all the circumstances of your life. People get sick. They lose jobs. They suffer runs of bad luck that eat at savings. The agreement with the bank says you will pay if you are able, and the bank will foreclose if you can't. In bankruptcy or foreclosure, both parties have held up their sides of the agreement.

This is different than the people who simply "walk away" from their responsibilities; the ones that have the means, have the ability to make payments but just don't want to. Be ethical, be responsible, and pay what you owe. Otherwise you are no better than the wall street thieves that helped cause the housing crisis, and almost destroyed our economy.

Largo's Airedale Spotlight

One of our facebook groups has picked Largo for it's spotlight airedale. Every dog owner gets the spotlight eventually, it was just our turn. I had to write his "story" for it, so I thought I'd post what I wrote here.

Largo is our first airedale. He is also our first dog. For years, we didn't get a dog because of my husband's allergies. And then we had a child, and thought he was too young for a dog. Then we moved to Baltimore City. Our nieghborhood has sidewalks, and trees, and big yards. And dogs. LOTs of dogs. Seems every neighbor had a dog. Before too long, my husband, who works at home, decided he "needed" a dog for company. Our son was older, and he too wanted a dog. And I had wanted one all along. So we started searching for a breed. We wanted something not too small, active, hypo-allergenic. We put all our searching into identifying the breed, not so much on a breeder.

We did absolutely everything wrong. I found an ad on-line, an airedale hobby breeder had puppies available. The price was right. So my husband and I drove out to West Virginia (way, way out) to a little farmette. And they had airedale pups. One little 'dale came running from the edge of the pond, and leapt on my husband. He was just so joyful. We named him Largo, after a character in a web comic called MegaTokyo, and fell in love. What we did not do was check into breeding records, get a health guarantee or a first check-up before buying our pup. We were too excited to drive him home.

Largo had lived in a barn with his brothers and sisters, but he had gotten house time, and family time.He had a pond to splash in, but hadn't learned to swim. He had also had some hunting "training" -- they shot shotguns over the pups heads so they would get used to the sound. This turned out to be perfect training for city life. Largo does not mind firecrackers, or gunshots.

We settled in right away. Largo was housebroken in two days. He hated going inside, he was so used to the "great outdoors" that he only likes going on grass. He tried to make friends with our cats, but they weren't overjoyed by his efforts. He was always trying to lick their faces. They were not amused.
We figured to have a long happy life together. He seemed a little low energy compared to what we had read, but that was okay. He was plenty energetic for us.

we took him for his first puppy checkup, and our bubble burst. Largo had a severe heart murmur. We got a referral to a cardiologist, and had a cardiac workup. Largo had a hole in his heart, a genetic defect called VSD. This means he wasn't getting enough oxygen in his blood. It wasn't fixable, but it wasn't fatal either. We would have to let Largo decide how much activity was enough. Oh yeah, and he shouldn't have anesthesia.

Which caused problem 2. Largo needed to be neutered. The vet decided the operation was so short, that Largo should be fine. His heart stopped almost immediately, and he needed an injection to jump start him. They were able to finish the neutering, but it would be his last operation. Period.

Since then,we have had a lot of vet visits. Largo is what happens when breeders don't really know what they are doing. He has hip dyplasia, first detected at six months. He has chronic eye infections, because his eyelids are too deep. He is night blind. He has had a wicked bout of pancreatitis. He has arthritis in his back and hips, despite being only 4 years old.

BUT. We would do it all again. All of it. Because whatever the breeder did wrong, she did something very right. Her dogs are bred for temperament, and it really really shows. Largo is charm personified. He is good with other dogs, with cats, with babies, toddlers, old folks. We take him to a lot of concerts, festivals, city events. He works the crowd like an old school politician. He poses for pictures, kisses the babies, shakes hands. He lets toddlers pull his ears, and stick their fingers in his nose. He doesn't mind the noise or the crowds. He loves it.

Despite his huge size (a 101 pounds as of this week), he is a perfect looking 'dale. He has literally stopped traffic. We have had cars stop on the street, roll down their windows, and ask what kind of dog he is. Or can they pull over and pet him. We still laugh about the woman who pulled her car over, parked, and asked if she could SMELL our dog. Seriously. She sniffed him, much to the embarassment of her teenaged son, who was sitting in the car. We had a group of Japanese tourists take their picture with him, each one posing with him individually. Somewhere in Japan, there are a lot of vacation albums with pictures of Largo.

He is joyful. He would rather play than anything. Even on days when he can barely walk, he will carry around a tennis ball, hoping he can con someone into throwing it for him. He is always up for a car ride, a walk, a splash in the river. He never did learn to swim. He does like to wade though. If his ball floats into deep water, he just tries to drink the whole lake to bring it back. He likes to chase rabbits and squirrels, even though he hasn't got a prayer of catching anything.

He can't jump, so has never been on the sofa, or on the bed. We have to pick him up to put him in the car. Our backyard only has a 3 ft fence, and that's plenty to keep Largo in bounds. He can get into the bathtub, but can't easily get out.

Largo hates to cuddle, won't sit on a lap, doesn't give kisses, but if he leans against you, or gives you a head-butt, you know you are loved. He will sometimes sleep with his head on our feet, and it makes you feel like you won something.

He is loyal, protective, stubborn, smart as can be. He is a perfect 'dale, and we wouldn't trade him for anything.

playing professional

I hate when how I feel, or what I think, runs contrary to how I am supposed to behave. This happens a lot at the office. I am a mid-level manager. I report to someone, and have two people who report to me. I attend a lot of meetings, where I have to be tactful, polite, look like I'm paying attention when I am not, I have to look like I respect everyone's opinion, even when I don't. This is part of being a "professional". From time to time, I have to wear clothes that make me uncomfortable. This is part of being a "professional". When something happens at work that I absolutely hate, I have to act like I don't mind, or that inside I am not really really pissed off. This is part of being "professional". I have to get along with everyone, even people I think are missing some brain cells, or who are truly horrible at their jobs. I am required to send polite, carefully worded emails instead of nice flaming balls of rancor. I don't get to say "no" -- I have to say, "I'm sorry, I really wish I could" or "I can't do that, but I can do this instead". Not "forget it", not "no way in hell". Of course I do realize that I could substitute the term "grown-up" for the term "professional".

a creature of habit

I am a creature of habit. I go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time, read my newspaper every morning with breakfast. I have two cups of tea, no sugar, when I get to the office. I have a routine, and I am comfortable with it. This routine extends to my clothes.

Today I reluctantly parted with a sweatshirt. Nothing special, but I've had it for years. It was nearly worn through in places, with frayed cuffs, and a frayed neck. It turns out that it is irreplaceable. I know this because I just went online to buy the same sweatshirt. Same size, same manufacture, same color. And I couldn't. Because the company that made it, BVD, hasn't made sweatshirts in a decade. Let that sink in. That means I have been wearing that same ratty sweatshirt for 10 YEARS. I started thinking about it. I think I have pairs of shoes that I have had for even longer than that. I put on a pair of slacks for work the other day, and realized I bought them when my son was 4 years old. He's almost 16.

I am wearing my favorite jeans. I have tried for over a year to find the same pair online. And by same pair, I mean, the exact same pair. I comb ebay looking for them. I search other used clothing sites, because I don't want new jeans. I want THESE jeans. And they don't make them anymore.

In my adult life, I have had 7 jobs. I am in the 4th house we have owned in that time. And apparently I have made all those changes in the same socks. Go figure.

black bean soup

Ingredients:

1 tbsp. olive oil
poblano pepper, fine diced
onion, fine diced
1 clove garlic, diced
2 slices bacon
1.5 tsp cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp oregano
2 cans black beans, rinsed and drained
vegetable broth
2 tsp chipotle hot sauce (can add more for extra spicy)



greek yogurt, diced green onion, lime wedges (optional toppings)

heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a stock pot over medium heat. Add diced pepper, onions and saute two minutes. Add garlic, saute another minute. Add bacon and cook another minute. Add cumin, chili powder, oregano and saute 1 minute. Add beans, enough broth to cover beans by 1 inch, and hot sauce to taste. Simmer 10-15 minutes.

Remove bacon slices. Puree soup in pan with immersion blender. Simmer another 5 minutes to thicken.

serve topped with green onions, yogurt, squeeze of lime.

Makes 4 servings.

what I learned on my spring vacation

Today is the last real day of spring vacation. Tomorrow we have to drive home (300 miles or so), pick up the dog, go grocery shopping and get ready for the week.

It's been a really great week. Very relaxed. We haven't done a whole lot of anything, by standard measures. We've had some great meals, watched some fun movies together, walked on the beach, napped, read, hung out, laughed a lot.

Even a week of very little activity can yield insights. A few from this week:

1) time spent with friends is precious -- we really need to carve out more time for this in our day to day lives

2) time spent with my sweetie is precious -- I really really need to find ways to make more time

3) time spent with my son is growing short. He really is on the brink of being a grown up. we've taken these group trips for granted in a way. Next year, we are skipping the beach so we can take a family trip to Rome. The year after that, I think we will be busy doing things for college. Time has flown, it really really has. It only occurred to me late in the week that this might really be his last trip with us this way.

4) never ever agree to check in with work every day. It wasn't worth it. My stress level rose every morning when I had to read and respond to my work email.

5) naps are a good thing. We all need more naps.

6) my problems are small. The ocean is big. [this will be the first chapter in my self-help book, should I write one]

7) I can't drink nearly as much beer as I used to

8) don't skip your vegetables

9) pay more attention to smells, and sounds. There is an infinite world for the senses.

10) good seafood sure makes you feel better

11) Laugh more

12) really good friends are people you can be loud with. And completely quiet with.

That's it for now. I'm going to have another cup of tea, and then walk on the beach.

a little sunshine

A little sunshine can do a world of good. We've had epic snow, biblical rain, and now, SPRING. The daffodils have bloomed. The birds are singing. The sky is brilliant blue. We took the dog to Falls Rd and walked through the park. There were an amazing number of people there, but everyone was in a spectacular mood. The dogs were joyful. We walked in the woods, saw the new buds opening. Even the skunk cabbage was stunning, brilliant green against the mud. There is a smell -- a sort of damp earth warmed by the sun smell that is one of the greatest things on this planet. I got to feel the sun on my back, and I could almost feel the rays spread through my skin strengthening and healing my body from the winter.

It's a small thing, a walk in the sunshine, but it accomplishes so much.

progress in fits and starts

I had a few New Year's goals. We're a few months into the year, so it's time to check in on how I'm doing.

I wanted to exercise more. I now power-walk for 20-30 minutes, 5 times a week. I do a yoga/balance/strength program on my WII at least 3 times a week, at least 20 minutes a session. Now, when I don't get walk, or my workout, I actually miss it. I feel a little more fit, a little stronger. On the down side, I haven't lost any weight. As a matter of fact, I have gained a few pounds. This is not unusual for me when I add exercise to my normal routine. Hopefully, I will start to see some weight loss in the next few weeks.

I wanted to spend less. I did great on this for a month or so. We got our income tax refund, and I "relaxed", which resulted in some extra spending. I am going to try to be really good for the next few weeks, up until our vacation, and then again when we get back.

I wanted to be more patient. This has been an epic fail. Work got busy, then stressful, then a little more stressful. We had a lot of bad weather, which limited my mobility. So I've been cranky, tired, stressed, and short-fused. I'm trying though. I really think the key for me is sleep. If I get a decent night's sleep, I have some reserves to draw on, and I'm easier to deal with. If I don't sleep, I just don't seem to have the energy to control my irritation.

So, progress, in fits and starts. And lots of year left to keep moving forward.

a good time

Usually, I think of a good time as a transitory thing. Like, I went to the movies and had a good time. Or we went over to a friend's house and had a good time. But I mean it in a broader sense.

This is a good time in my life. I am comfortable with who I am, and how I am. I love where I live, have a good job, a happy marriage. Our son is a pleasure, and watching him grow is a joy. School has done what I hoped it would do for me, and I feel energized by my classes and classmates. I have good friends, and my circle is expanding. We have enough of everything.

This might sound like I am building up to a "but" -- I'm not. I'm just feeling reflective and full and content. And that's a good time.

snowmageddon

You know how people say that they can't remember it ever snowing so much? Well, this time it's true. We have gotten 36 inches of snow since Friday. We have gotten more than 73 inches of snow this winter. This shatters the old record for a season's snowfall, by more than 10 inches.

By any yardstick, we have gotten a record snowfall. So what does it mean? For us, it means a change in schedules. Our son doesn't have to go to school. He has not had a full day of school since last Thursday. And he won't go back to school until next Tuesday. Monday is President's Day, so the schools were going to be closed for that anyway. I went to work briefly on Monday, but my office has actually been closed since Friday morning. My husband's schedule has been unchanged -- he telecommutes, so no snow days for him.

It means a change in mobility. I got stuck trying to get out of the neighborhood on Sunday, despite being in a large SUV with 4-wheel drive. Monday, I managed to get out, but the drive was so treacherous that it took 45 minutes to go 7 miles on local streets. I got the car back home and haven't moved it since. Right now, our street is again impassible. We haven't been plowed, and there is just too much snow to get out.

It means being more careful. I did get out and get groceries on Monday. But we do have to watch things like milk, because we don't know when we can get more. We can't run out for bread, or a missing ingredient for dinner. We have to eat from what we have on hand. We had to stock up on water, and batteries, in case of power outages.

It means being more thoughtful. Both in the sense of taking care of each other, and of neighbors, but also in the sense of thinking before doing. We can't forget gloves, or wear the wrong boots. We can't forget to wear a hat. We have to think carefully about where to walk, how far from home we can go. We have to think about where the dog can get to, and how to keep him from making a dent in his healing process.

It has its pluses. Time is different; less frenetic, less scheduled. We have spent more time with the neighbors than we usually can manage. There is a sense of us all being in it together. We can't spend tons of money, because there just aren't that many places open. We are getting plenty of exercise shoveling snow and walking through drifts. I'm caught up on my reading for class. I have some time to read for pleasure. I've tried a lot of new recipes. I sent in our taxes.

I still can't wait to get back to "normal". I like to be able to get out, even if I have no where I want to go. I just like knowing I have the choice.

community vs neighborhood

I have always lived in neighborhoods. Only when we moved to Baltimore, did I find a community. And only by living in one, have I begun to understand the difference.

This week, we got 26 inches of snow. Normally, a snowstorm of 5-6 inches completely paralyzes the city. We have yet to see a snowplow. But one neighbor used his snow blower to clear part of the road. And everyone pitched in to shovel enough of the road clear to make the street semi-passable. Our neighbor got stuck trying to get out, and we helped dig him out. I got stuck, and several neighbors pitched in to dig me out, to push my car; one even took over the wheel, since she had more experience getting unstuck than I did.

Another neighbor threw a pot luck dinner for the community. No one could get out and shop, or prepare, but we somehow all came together and came up with a buffet. We had a good time.

We shared tips on what local businesses had milk, or break or what restaurants were open.

We care about each other. We look out for each other. And that is what makes this a community, and not just a neighborhood.

repeating a cycle

I rarely blog about work, and this is only indirectly about work. Mostly it is about a recurring pattern in my life, and what that means.

When I took my current position, it was mostly to achieve a better work/life balance. I work at a university, and the standard work week in my grade is 37.5 hours a week. The job also came with stellar benefits, including tuition for me, and eventually, tuition for our son. This is invaluable, as I am not much of a saver, and I want college to be something that our son doesn't have to worry about.

So, I took a job that was not an upward move. It was actually a step or two backward. Something I could do during the day, get decently compensated for, and leave at the door when I went home.

But. Here's where the recurring pattern rears its ugly head. Whenever I take a job, it starts growing and growing and growing. I end up with major deadlines, big responsibilities, begin working more and more hours. I end up as a mission critical piece of the business. It gets harder to take time off, harder to juggle work and life. Every time.

I am no rocket scientist, but when a pattern recurs with regularity in your life, you have to start looking at yourself as the cause. Its like women who keep dating jerks. One jerk is an accident, two jerks is unfortunate, three jerks is YOU. So here I am, again in a bigger boat than I left shore with. Part of my pattern is to change jobs once I have turned my nice comfy job into a nightmare. I can't jump ship this time. I have that tuition grant coming up, and we need it for our kid. I like the other benefits. And the pattern will just repeat somewhere else, until I figure out why. Why do I do this every time? What need am I meeting? What is it about me that causes the pattern?

I sometimes feel like Boxer in Animal Farm. For every need, I just say "I will work harder" and add another task to my plate. And you know how he ended up, with a trip to the glue factory....

a welcome change

I went to a parent/teacher conference today at our son's school. Nothing wrong, just the normal annual conference. Each 10th grader got a half hour slot. I have been to many of these over the years, both the regularly scheduled kind, and the emergency "there's a problem" kind. For years, what I mostly heard was that our son was easily distracted, not focused, not motivated, inappropriate (current jargon for smartass), had huge disabilities/deficits.

So imagine how I felt today. The math teacher said our son is his best student. His social studies teacher raved about him, his passion for his subject, his intelligence. The science teacher likewise said he was doing a great job, was super bright, super gifted. His health teacher said he inspired discussion in the whole class, and was engaging and intelligent. He is doing A/A- work across the board. The head of the upper school thought he could fit in some college classes into his schedule for senior year, since he will have fulfilled his graduation requirements with room to spare.

They are talking about starting up an Amnesty International group, because of our son's interest. I mentioned his desire to be a lawyer, and they all nodded and thought it was a good fit. 5 years ago, no one would have thought it even within the realm of possibility for him. 5 years ago, his teachers were just hoping he'd graduate high school someday.

WOW. I have to say this is a welcome change.

tired of words

I am tired of words. Not language -- I will always love that, but words. I am tired of people who say what they think we want to hear, instead of what we should hear. I am tired of people who make their living saying hateful, evil things. I hate hearing language tortured and twisted so that people can avoid the responsibility for their own actions. Or so that they won't be sued.

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Is that so f*ng hard?? If you say you will do something, do it. If you say you won't, don't. A first grader knows this, how come our public figures do not? Words can hurt. A kindergartner knows this, so how come our pundits don't? Even tone can matter -- and my dog knows that.

Haiti did not deserve the earthquake, Obama did not "use" Haiti to give himself credibility with African Americans, the Ravens did not have a great season, voting for gay marriage is not one step away from legalizing sex with children, Pope Pius was not "misunderstood". Really.

mankind is not the focus

In watching the pictures coming out of Haiti, I am more and more convinced of one central truth -- mankind is not the focus of the universe. The things that happen to us, around us, are not targeted at us. The people of Haiti did nothing to attract this disaster. No evil, no human act, could cause this level of devastation and suffering. This is not karma on a grand scale, and it is not the act of a vengeful god.

The universe does what it does. We can try to read meaning in it, try to see ourselves as the central figures in the drama, but it isn't about us. How we respond, how we live our lives in the face of a universe that is impersonal and complete, that is where we need to see our meaning, and our purpose.

We can matter to ourselves. We can matter to each other. And that's enough.

for Ami

Last night, we chose to end Ami's suffering and ease her passing. We had a tear filled drive to the vet, during which Ami howled. Not because she knew what was coming, or because of her pain, but because she never could stand being in a moving car. Every time I stopped, so did she.

We took her to Falls Road vet. There, they put in a catheter so that the three needles could be administered with sticking her multiple times. They had me sign release forms, pay the bill in advance (so I wouldn't have to deal with it afterwards), and asked if I was sure, and if I wanted to stay for the procedure.

This is a hard thing, to be in the room, holding your pet while it dies. But I feel strongly that a pet should have someone they love with them, and not only strangers, no matter how caring. I told my son that he didn't have to stay, but he said he felt that since she was his cat, it was his responsibility. So he stayed.

They wrapped Ami in a blanket, and gave us a little time to say goodbye in private. We stroked her, talked with her, while I held her in my arms. We both cried, and we both laughed. Yes, laughed. We told each other Ami stories. The time she stole the muffin right out of my mouth, and I chased her around the table. The time our son put Ami in a pillow case, because the "cat's in the bag" and carried her around the house -- he was 4 so he wasn't being cruel, just little.

The vet came in, told us what would happen. And then very quietly and gently, Ami got 3 shots. And she died in our arms, slowly and gently, with lots of love around her.

sometimes being the mom is hard

Sometimes, being the mom is hard. This is one of those times. I spent the morning at the vet, with our older cat Ami. About a month ago, her tail stopped functioning. At the time, the vet thought it was a tail pull. This morning, her back legs were all over the place, moving without control, unable to hold her up. It looks like whatever affected her tail has moved rapidly up her spine and is now affecting her legs. She is 11 years old. SO. We asked for a blood test, sort of like hail mary pass. Maybe it will turn up something unexpected and treatable, but it doesn't look good at this point.

Our son loves that cat. We got her when he was 4 years old, and he is now 15. She adores him as well. And this morning, he looked at me and said "well, she'll get better won't she?" and I had to say no, I didn't think so. I couldn't lie to him, and I couldn't build up his hopes. I feel terrible.

I feel bad for the cat, bad for the kid, and just sad in general. And I don't know if I did the right thing. Should I have just ducked the question and said we would have to wait and see? Should I have lied to make him feel better? I really don't know. I'm thinking that soon I will have to do something even harder, and put the cat to sleep. And somehow I will have to help our son say goodbye.

no resolutions, just aims

I have no resolutions this year. Instead, I have some aims in mind. To be more fit, more thrifty, more compassionate, more patient. Notice the form that takes -- I am not solving to get in shape, or to be thrifty, or compassionate, just that I will try to improve in those areas. Really, I think this is doable even in little bits, and even little bits of improvement will help me.

I walked a little bit today, first time since the accident. I walked very slowly, not my usual power walking pace. And I walked half the distance i usually do, but I did it. I will try 15 minutes of yoga tonight. No pressure. Just a little bit more than yesterday.

We started the painful process of reviewing and revising our budget. This is not, NOT, my strong suit. I like fun, and good food, and good times way way too much, and deferring pleasure way way too little. But we are making little changes that should help a bit.

And I am trying to be more patient with the family, to think about how the other person might be seeing things before I speak.

We'll see how it goes.

the high cost of insurance

I am amazed at the cost of insurance. Not for us, although that boggles the mind as well, but for pets. We have not had pet insurance in the past, because the dog has pre-existing conditions. Yes, you heard me -- the dog had pre-existing conditions. I finally found a policy today, that will cover the dog and his hip dysplasia and heart defects... for only $588 per year. It has a $20,000 per year cap, and a deductible; in short, it works just like a people plan. For my dog.

Because, with every advance in people medicine, there are corresponding advances in veterinary medicine. Your dog can have chemo, he can get insulin for his diabetes, he can be sent to PT for his hips. He can even get glasses for his eyesight (no, not making that up). I have no idea how they do an eye test on a dog. And you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars for his care.

I got the insurance for two reasons. 1) history tells me that the dog's vet bills are averaging more than $3000 a year and 2) I read a very sad article on the increase in financial euthanasia for pets. What this means is that more and more people are having to choose to put their pets to sleep rather than pay for medical care.

I saw this myself at the vet's the last time I was there. A woman had to put a 4 year old cat to sleep, because she couldn't pay $3000 for the minor surgery it needed. She was heart-broken, but she just didn't have the resources.


So now I have pet insurance for the dog. Next month, I add the older cat to the policy, and then after that, the younger one.

Because it is better to go broke slowly, than all at once.

a terrible decade, NOT

Last night, Katie Couric did a piece on how this decade was one of the worst in modern times. It got me thinking about the last ten years, in my own life.

In the last ten years:

we moved twice, both times improving our life immensely
our son got into the school that's changed his life
I went to work at Johns Hopkins
my husband started telecommuting, which has made him very very happy
I started graduate school, which has made me very very happy
we've watched our son grow from a little five year old boy to an almost sixteen year old man
we've met endless wonderful people who have become friends
we've travelled to Belize, Paris, Nova Scotia, to Michigan, Ohio, Tennessee, New Hampshire, North Carolina
we got a dog who has become family
we've made (and spent) more money than we ever thought we would
we've had marvelous dinners with friends, great parties, seen wonderful art, heard great music, read good books

Sure, there are tons of negatives to the last decade (George Bush, Dick Cheney, 9/11, the sniper, the financial crash, global warming). I am no pollyanna. But all in all, I wouldn't ask for a do-over.

so this is what it feels like

So this is what it feels like to be stupid. Or I think this must be what it's like. I had a very minor car accident last Saturday. I was stopped and someone ran into me. Hard. My head snapped forward and then back. I didn't hit anything like the steering wheel or the windshield or anything. I walked out without a scratch.

But, I had a headache. I am now in day six of the same headache. I went to the dr yesterday. She said the headache was the result of the brain in my head meeting the inside of my skull. I should be fine in a week or two. In the meantime, it is NORMAL that I am thinking very slowly. And I am mixing up words. And I have to type everything over and over to get it right. My balance is a little off. I am, technically, what you would call "punch drunk".

So, I can't spell, can't come up with the right words, can't type, can't concentrate on anything for long.... this must be what it's like to be stupid, and I can't say I am enjoying the experience. But boy does it make me value my normal old self. Can't wait to be back.

another semester is done

I just finished my term-paper, and that completes the semester for me. Last night was our last class. We had a presentation on Ground Zero as a locus sanctus. Then we had wine, chicken nuggets, cookies, more wine. Then an Elvis tribute artist came to class and performed for us. Tommy El was terrific -- a truly talented impersonator. Then, we had some more food and wine. After that, we had presentations on a trio of holy people: Gram Parsons, Che Guevara and Edgar Allan Poe.


Here's the thing, and it's the big "why I love this program" -- it all worked. It really did. Mostly because my classmates are a brilliant, eclectic, fascinating group of people with endless curiosity.

The other part of it is the amazing and talented people who decide to teach our classes. Gary Vikan was our professor this term. He is director of the Walters Museum here in Baltimore. But he's more than a name for the program - he's a gifted teacher. He created an atmosphere where we could explore the topic, be ourselves, and enjoy each other's company.

It was a blast, from start to finish, and I am really lucky to have had the opportunity.

this makes no sense

Two interesting stats the day after Thanksgiving -- 40% of all food purchased in America is thrown away, and 1 in 6 Americans does not get enough to eat. It seems to me we need to find a way to reduce the waste, or channel it to the people who need it. Maybe buy less, or buy the same amount, but put some aside for the food bank. Invite someone struggling to make ends meet to a meal.

I don't know what the answer is, I really don't. I do know it bothers me to think that in a country of such overwhelming abundance and wealth, people are going hungry.

wii not so fit

I've been walking every day in my struggle to be more fit and to lose weight. But I've been fighting against both genetics and time,in the form of family history and age, so it hasn't been working so well.

In response, I decided that I would "rent" our son's WII for a month, and see if I could use it to jumpstart an exercise program, and to see if I would use it enough to merit buying one. I am using Wii FIT and Wii SPORT, to start with.

This is the first time in ages that I have enjoyed exercising. The boxing, bowling and tennis games on Wii SPORT are addictive. I didn't like the golf, found it frustrating because I am so bad at it, but I worked up a sweat and was sore the next day after 15 minutes of tennis and boxing.

Wii FIT is harder for me, because well, I really am not fit. I am doing a few of the yoga poses (badly), some strength training, some aerobic exercise, and some balance games. I hate the strength training, like the yoga poses I can do (very few so far), and am having fun with the aerobic exercises. Jogging in place is just so much more entertaining when you are chasing someone on screen. And the hula hoop game is fun, gets me out of breath, and would make my neighbors fall over laughing if they peeked in my windows while I was doing it.

Is all this fun working? I am back to losing a pound or so a week; I can already see a difference in my leg strenghth and tummy muscle (no one else would notice, but I did). The exercise time passes quickly, and I actually run out of steam before I get bored. My guess is it will only take me so far, but since I have such a huge way to go, that will be a long long time from now.

stress challenge is really a sleep challenge

So, I am participating in this "stress challenge" this month at work. I basically track 4 things each day: nutrition, physical activity, sleep and relaxation. I get 1 point for eating either a target amount for fruit and vegetables, or for eating a whole grain breakfast, then 1 get a point for getting 8 hours sleep, 1 point for taking 10 minutes of relaxation time and 1 point for exercising 20 minutes. I have had only 3 four point days since November 1. Guess why? Nope. Not exercise. It's sleep, and I'm not getting much.

I've been doing a little research. It turns out most women in their mid-40s don't sleep well or enough. Most - not a small percentage, not half, MOST. This is crazy. That's a whole big group of cranky women sleep-walking through life. The reason -- stress, hormones, multi-tasking, basically our entire lives are conspiring to see we don't get a good night's sleep. Maybe it's nature's way of killing us off now that we have served our biological imperative. Maybe it's a joke. I don't know.

My doctor says that hormones are mostly responsible, but hey, this phase only lasts 6-7 YEARS and then I'll be good as new...

simple kindness

It's not hard. Hold the door open for someone carrying a load of stuff. Smile at the people you pass. Say good morning. Say good night. Compliment someone, sincerely. Say please. Say thank you. Send someone a note, or a card. Tell someone you appreciate them.

It doesn't take much. I think we're all just out of practice. I think that every small gesture returns to you ten fold. Maybe you will make someone's day.

things you have to teach your sons

Today's news carried the story of a fifteen year old girl. She was raped by multiple teenagers outside a school dance. Multiple others stood by and did nothing while she was raped.

As the mother of a teen-aged boy, I know I have certain lessons to impart. I have had the "don't smoke" discussion. I have had the "don't drink if your under-aged, don't drink and drive, drinking impairs your judgment" talk. I have even had the "if you are going to have sex, wear a condom" discussion, even though he isn't even dating anyone right now. I'm saving the "don't sleep with someone you don't want to wake up with" for a later discussion. We have discussed the whole breaking the law thing as well -- you can choose to break the law, but if you do, you have also chosen to take the consequences.

Now I have to add a whole new subject for discussion. Don't participate in gang rape, and don't stand by while others do. Really. Get out, call the police. I never thought that would be something I would need to discuss, but I guess I do.

Because I am guessing that there are some surprised parents out in California today, ones who thought their boys would never be involved in something like that, and never thought their child would stand on the sidelines and cheer while others raped a girl outside a school dance.

Pennies on the Dollar

Today was our annual United Way Campaign kickoff breakfast. As always, it had me thinking about people who need help.

Almost all of us would jump at a deal that lets us pay pennies on the dollar to buy something. If it cost a dollar, and I could buy it for a penny, I would. So would you. Now turn it around -- would you give a penny on a dollar? If you had a dollar, and someone really really needed it, would you give them a penny? How about if you had ten dollars, would you help someone out with a buck? I think most people would say "Yes" to that.

So this is my challenge to all of you. 1%. Pennies on a dollar. If everyone would dig deep, and give a whopping 1% of what they earn, we could make a huge collective impact on hunger, on homelessness, on poverty. That's a fabulous return, for pennies on a dollar.

blog action day -- climate change

Today is Blog Action Day, which means a topical post on climate change. Except I really have not that much to say.

Climate change is real. It is not a political invention of the left. It is not caused primarily by cows. It is not a natural phenomenon. It is a problem that man has created, with our great big brains, and our thirst for more of everything, and easier everything. And so we have cars, even for an errand around the block. And we have air conditioning, even when it's 70 degrees. We have microwaves because 10 minutes is too long to wait for food. We have huge houses to accomodate all our stuff. We crave fruit that doesn't grow in this hemisphere, so we ship it halfway around the world. We have short attention spans, so we have TVs, and stereos and computers and ipods and xboxes and a whole host of things to distract us.

If we each made a small change or two, if each and every single person, did one or two small things to reduce what we use, what we buy, how we get to places, we can make a dent in the problem. It's important. And it's urgent. So do something today.

seeing each other as cut-outs

When did we stop seeing other people as "people"? three teens in florida lit another teen on fire, as retaliation for preventing them from stealing a bicycle. repeat, a bicycle. A six year old is about to get sent to reform school, for bringing a camping fork/spoon/knife combination to school to eat his lunch. A six year old! Certain pundits cheered when the city of chicago lost its bid for the Olympics, because Obama lobbied for chicago to win. An American city lost out on an opportunity, and people cheered the loss. WTF???

We apparently see each other as cardboard cut-outs. It's the only explanation that I can see. Maybe there are too many of us. Beyond a certain number in a given space, we just can't see anymore. I don't know.

It scares me. How do we get back to seeing each other, really seeing each other, as people? With hopes, dreams, feelings, real people. It's important.

the new semester

The new semester has begun. I am taking just one class - From Jerusalem to Graceland. We are looking at sainthood, beginning with the byzantine saints, pilgrimages, relics, and ending with Elvis Presley and Graceland. It's thought-provoking, interesting,and just a heck of a lot of fun. Our class meets in what was the Walters family home, and is now the administrative offices of the Walters Museum. We meet in the parlor, complete with high ceilings, period furniture (except for our conference table), paintings, etc. It's definitely a treat.

I am already feeling pulled in too many directions, with too many time commitments. It
s not just a new semester for me. Work is heating up as we enter one of our two really busy periods. And our son has the busy schedule of a 10th grader. He can't drive yet, so I spend a lot of time schlepping him back and forth.

I have to admit that I love it though, even when it wears me out.

the lessons of sept 11

The lessons of Sept 11th are not that we should fear terrorism, or that we should give up freedoms for security. The lessons of Sept 11th are that we should help where we can, never take our loved ones for granted, appreciate our gifts and our freedoms, and live every day as if it were our last.

The people who went to work in the Towers that morning thought they would come home that evening. Many of them probably bolted through their morning routines. They might have remembered to kiss the spouse and kids, but they might not. If they could have chosen where to spend their last breaths, I doubt many would have chosen the office.

The firefighters, the police officers, the everyday folks who pitched in and helped, who ran toward danger rather than away from it, were showing us the way. That we give of ourselves, as much as we can, to help others.

Terrorism can strike anywhere, even the heart of New York City. America is not immune. But you can't protect against a truly determined killer willing to sacrifice himself; all we can do is try to get at the root cause, and not make more terrorists.

a national disgrace

OK -- I get it. People are sharply divided on issues these days. But really, people! The last week has been a national disgrace. Our President, our democratically elected leader, wanted to encourage the nation's students. So he planned a speech. And the floodgates opened. Talk radio hosts encouraged people to keep their children home from school, so as not to be "indoctrinated" by the President. Parents protested. Schools decided not to air the speech, because of parental pressure.

The speech was not political. It was in keeping with Obama's role as president -- to lead the nation. He didn't say a single controversial thing -- unless you think encouraging children to study is controversial. His purpose was to encourage children to stay in school, to study, to make something of themselves, to take advantage of the educational opportunities afforded them. What a rebel!

You can disagree with the President. You can dislike the person who was elected. But the OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT deserves respect. You can teach your children an invaluable lesson if you can teach them the distinction between the man and the office. This is a democracy. That almost always means that some people did not get their choice in elected officials. But it only works as a form of government if the roles are respected. I couldn't stand George Bush. I did not respect the man at all. But I respect democracy, and I respect the office. That's what we are supposed to do, and that's what we are supposed to model for our children.

Honestly, we can do better than this!

small changes

Sometimes, it's the small changes that really amount to something.

This morning, my fifteen year old son brushed his teeth without prompting. Then he packed a salad, A SALAD, for his lunch. I felt like I had won something. I'm not sure what, but I felt VICTORIOUS.

Today at lunch, I walked a quick mile, instead of web surfing. I got outside, felt the sun on my skin, enjoyed the cool spots of shade. Not a huge deal, not a real long walk, but I got moving.

Little things. Nothing earth shaking. But small changes add up. They really do.

mourning Ted Kennedy

Ted Kennedy passed away today. Often, he is described as JFK's brother, or Bobby Kennedy's brother. He was so much more. It diminishes him, I think, to label him this way, as if his importance is as a small piece of Camelot, rather than a person in his own right. Ted Kennedy was a Senator for 47 years. He was a champion of the poor, the powerless, the voiceless.

He made horrible mistakes in his life. He faced tremendous adversity and personal loss. Yet he persevered, when others would have faltered. He could have lived on his fame and power and money, and never contributed anything to anyone. No one would have blamed him for retiring from public life when Bobby died. But he didn't. He truly believed that "from whom much is given, much is expected".

He was so much more than "the last Kennedy brother". He was the Lion of the Senate, and he will be missed.

I can feel Fall

I can feel Fall. This morning, I woke up and it was cold. We had left the AC unit on all night, and the temps outside had dropped. It was actually pleasant outside, after a couple of sweltering, humid weeks. When I walked from the parking garage to my office, I actually wished for a moment that I had a light jacket.

Fall is coming.

Our son goes back to school on Wednesday. We've bought school supplies, a new lunch bag, school shoes.

Fall is coming.

I bought a new notebook for me for school. Don't need one, just love new notebooks. Work is getting busier. It's getting darker in the morning when I wake up.

Fall is coming.

Happy 27th!

Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. I still think it's one of the smartest things I ever did. And I would do it again, if I had to do it all over again.

My personal wish today is for another 27 wonderful years. My wish for everyone else is that they get to enjoy the same happiness that we do.

what I learned on my summer vacation

in no particular order, here's what I learned on my summer vacation:

• your kid can surprise you, in a good way
  
• any day that starts with a cup of tea, sitting on a dock looking over the water will be good
  
• to be really at peace, I need to be near water
  
• you can have too much fried food
  
• mcdonalds is even worse than I remember
  
• a few hours with a good friend can restore your spirit
  
• america is a truly beautiful country
  
• michigan may be one of the prettiest places I've ever been
  
• traverse city is a nice place to visit, but it is kind of stepford
  
• fresh raspberry blueberry cobbler is amazingly good
  
• summer at 73 degrees is very different from summer at 92 degrees
  
• we are spoiled by how nice people are in Baltimore
  
• don't underestimate the power of a really good armchair
  
• naps are essential
  
• there is a huge difference between hiking 5 miles in the woods, and walking 5 miles on pavement
  
• there is no sound like the laughter of a two year old
  
• sandwiches are under-rated
  
• the cleveland zoo is better than the baltimore zoo
  
• I want to come back as a sea otter
  
• I am not addicted to my computer -- no problem giving it up for a few days
  
• you can go out to eat too much
  
• it was easier to drive 500 miles when I was 20
  
• I need to take more vacations
  
  

would you sell your kidney for...

A rabbi was recently arrested as part of the huge NJ corruption case. He is charged with trying to broker the sale of human kidneys. For $160,000. Which got me thinking -- would I sell my kidney to someone who needed it, for $160,000? A woman at Johns Hopkins, Pamela Paulk, recently donated her kidney in a 16 way donor swap. Her kidney went to a complete stranger, so that a friend of hers at Hopkins could get a kidney from someone else who was a better match.

I thought recently about doing the same thing as Pamela. As soon as my son is out of the house, I thought, I would volunteer to donate a kidney. But I soon chickened out, mentally--since I hadn't actually committed to anything, except in my mind. But now, sad to say, I got to thinking again. For $160,000, yeah, I think I would give up a kidney. I mean, I was going to just give one away. Why not help someone and profit at the same time?

Like I said, it's sad to say.

47!

I am 47 today. I had a great birthday. Lots of sweet birthday wishes. A nice dinner with my husband and son. Got a couple of books as presents that I have been dying to read. Signed up for a half-marathon with a friend. We are going to walk it, not run it, but we have to finish in 5 hours.

My brother arrives tonight, so I will get to see him this weekend.

Life is full, and life is good!

15!

Fifteen years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy. 7 pounds 15 ounces, 21 inches long, if you care about such stuff. He had all the requisite fingers and toes, and we thought he was amazing. Fifteen years later, we still think he's amazing.

I am grateful that he's our son, and I am joyful at the prospect of what the next fifteen years might bring.

Happy birthday, baby boy!

ocean city

I used to go to Ocean City for a week every summer when I was a kid. We didn't actually stay IN Ocean City most of the time; we usually stayed in a campground outside of Berlin/Snow Hill. But we would hang out on the beach near 1st Street. We would fish off the getty there. And we would spend one day on the Boardwalk, eating Thrasher's Fries, playing Skeeball, riding the rides, playing the games. Mom would spend the whole day in the Bingo hall (don't know if it's still there).

Ocean City then was crowded. The people were invariably white, and blue collar below 50th Street or so, and white and white collar north of 50th. Traffic was crazy, and it was very difficult to walk around.

I just spent a few days around the 4th of July at the Carousel on 117th Street. Oddly, even with the holiday, Ocean City was less crowded than when I was a kid. They have made improvements in the flow of traffic, and in the local bus system. It was pretty easy to cross Ocean Blvd, even at high noon.

The people were the biggest change. Ocean City has discovered diversity, finally. For the first time, I heard people speaking foreign languages. I saw people of every ethnic background, skins of every hue. It was great. Northern OC is no longer the province of the wealthier summer visitors.

There has been some attempt made to plant some grasses, and to clean the beach. The sand is weird, too soft to be "natural" if that makes any sense. Basically when you walk on the beach, you sink into the sand. I think it's because the sand is carted in, and cleaned by machine daily. It looks great, but isn't the beach sand you find in Ocean City New Jersey, or the Outer Banks.

I enjoyed the visit. I might even go back.

a noticeable absence

For those who have followed my facebook ramblings, our beloved family dog has been in the animal hospital. Initially, the vets thought that the dog had a bowel obstruction, possibly needing surgery. Unfortunately, Largo has a heart condition. Surgery for him is, in itself, life threatening. He has a very small chance of surviving even minor surgery. But, if he had an obstruction, it would kill him if he didn't have surgery. So, huge stress-inducing dilemma.

Because they didn't want to operate, they elected to do a risky test instead. This involved Largo drinking a huge quantity of barium, which they would then trace in x-ray every hour to follow the path of the barium through the digestive tract. The test should take 4 hours to complete. After 11 hours, the barium still wasn't completely through Largo's system.

But he wasn't obstructed and didn't need surgery. He has pancreatitis, and we should be able to manage it with meds and diet, once we are over this episode.

All of this detail is really preamble. What I discovered is how noticeable an absence we have in our home, with Largo at the vet. I derive incredible comfort from the sight of the dog sleeping on the floor next to our bed. I am more secure, and I feel more safe, with the dog in the house. I even miss his rather over-bearing company at dinner. I hate his begging and mugging for food -- but apparently I miss it when it's not there. I can sit all evening, reading undisturbed. And it doesn't feel right. I keep thinking I am forgetting something. I feel this distressing sense of things being out of kilter. I come home at night and there isn't a face pressed against the glass. No wagging tail. No head-butt of adoration as I come in. I cook dinner, and there is no one watching my every move with utter concentration.

There is a hole here that can only be filled by a dog. And not just any dog, OUR DOG.

the company of women

I hate to admit this, but for most of my life, I haven't had much use for other women. For years, my guy friends outnumbered my girl friends. I work in a male-dominated field, where being "one of the guys" is a career advantage. And I've never been much of a girly girl. I think, though that I have short-changed myself.

When I got married, I entered inot the community of wives. I had more in common with the other women in my world. We had a wealth of shared experiences that came out of being married women.

When I had my son, I entered into another community, the community of moms. I suddenly had more in common with the other women in my office, and in the neighborhood. I found connections where I hadn't seen any before.

Now, as I age, and expand my universe of contacts, I am finding joy in the company of women. The commonality of experiences strengthens me, and my relationships. The resilience and kindness and intelligence, the fortitude and strength of the women I have met have added immeasurably to my life. Their humor keeps me sane, and their help keeps me going.

end of school year

We are done another school year. Our son finished up 9th grade today. He did well, although not nearly as well as he could. We won't get the grades for a few weeks, but he will likely get mostly Bs or all Bs. He could easily get As, doesn't even have to do better, just turn in all the homework. But he doesn't see the point, and doesn't get that it might matter at some point in the future. He reminds me so much of me at his age that it's maddening. I once told a teacher that I could do a ton of work and get an A, or not lift a finger and get a B, and that a B was fine with me. Yes, I was a pain in the ass, and a true joy to have as a student. SIGH.

Our son is politer, but really thinks school is a holding tank until you get released and can go on to what counts -- college. The idea that it's not the knowledge but the study skills and habits that he gets from doing the work that will help him get through college has not caught on with him yet.

I am proud of him, though, I really am. He did a ton of volunteer work this year, and took on a leadership role with Habitat for Humanity and with the Ronald McDonald House. He grudgingly participated on the track team, and did not let his lack of success get to him. He is participating in an honors group that discusses topical issues. So far, he is navigating the social waters of high school without too much fuss. He applied for a volunteer job at a day camp for the first part of the summer, and he got it. He went to CPR and first aid training and passed his tests.

Best of all, to me, is that he is becoming more and more of a person. Today he saw Sin City at school (no, not kidding). We talked about it. He said that it was a "great film, albeit dark", and might be one of Frank Miller's best works. OK, he had me at "albeit".

I can actually talk with him. And he can surpise me from time to time. That's the best thing to come out of this year, I think.

where are the parents?

I have ranted on facebook, and now I will rant here. In the news yesterday, there was a piece on gangs of teenagers randomly attacking tourists at the Inner Harbor. There was also a piece about a 16 and 14 year old who were charged with beating another 14 year old to death.

In both pieces, the emphasis was on the police and how they should do more to prevent these kinds of crimes. And of how the schools should be more involved.

Where are the parents? Your children are not the police's problems. Your children are not the school's problem. They are everyone elses' problem because you are not doing your job. If you have children, you have a job until they are grown. Raise your kids! They don't have to be perfect, no one is. They just have to be law-abiding citizens. That's the bare minimum. If you can also provide them with education, life skills, and produce happy, well-adjusted adults, go for it. But honestly, we would all settle for moderately socialized, and law-abiding. We really would.

How did this get so out of hand? When I was a little kid, every adult raised you. Every single damn one. Step out of line in front of an adult, and someone would correct you. No question. And your mom and dad, they would not resent it. They would appreciate the help. Bring a note home from the teacher, and the question wouldn't be, what is that teacher thinking, criticizing my child? It would be, "what did you do?"

Maybe parenting should require a license. You know -- read the manual, pass a written test, maybe have to babysit and get graded on it. Whatever. Something so that every idiot with working reproductive parts can't just have a child. Because giving birth does not make you a parent. Nor is it the sum total of your parental responsibilities.

I don't think I am asking for too much. You have them, you raise them.

thinking of the future

Those who know me know I always have a plan. I may change it every year or so, but I always have one. And lately my thoughts have been turning to the future. What do I want, down the road?

I know I would like to retire from here. That keeps me at Hopkins until I am 57, if I want to retire with everything the University offers to retirees. After that, I am thinking I would like to snag a government job for 10 years, and then retire from there. That would give me whatever the government offers to its retirees.

What I really want is a place at the beach, and a place in the mountains. I'd like to keep our house forever, as it is now firmly fixed in my mind as HOME. But I would like a place of my own at the beach, somewhere I could go to whenever the need hit me for sand and sun and water. And a place in the mountains when I need trees and quiet and nature.

I wonder if it's doable, or if it's more or less a pipe dream. My husband would love the mountain retreat, and grudgingly go along with the beach, I think. I know we both see ourselves in the house in Baltimore forever. Everyone has to have a home, that place that pops in your head when you say the word. The thing that tugs at you when you are away, and gives ease to your bones. So I think that part is a given. But I do know that we both want to travel, to see as much of the world as we can. So somehow that will have to fit into the vision as well.

It's nice to think about. I guess we won't know how much of it we'll do, until we get there.

twists of fate

I had an odd and unsettling experience today. I saw a couple of old friends today, while they were visiting the Kimmel Cancer Center. One friend is doing well, better than when we were younger. The other friend is not doing well at all -- he was the patient at the center. He is my age, married, with an 8 year old daughter. He has cancer. He is hoping the clinical trial he is participating in will save his life.

When we were all 17 years old, we were at basically the same point. We were all getting ready to graduate from high school. We liked to joke around, laugh, have a good time. Now it's 30 years later. And we are at really different points. The difference doesn't so much seem to come down to specific choices we made. It seems to be fate.

Why does life single out some people for hardship, and others for success? you fall in love, get married. It works out great for some people, awful for others. The starting point was the same. You have kids at 20, or at 30, or at 45. You lose a job, or luck into a career. You get sick, recover. You get sick, you die.

Random. Fate. Destiny. I don't know what to call it. I think though that sometimes awful things happen to good people. And sometimes great things happen to bad people. And there doesn't have to be something that turns that wheel in one direction or another.

We have to roll with what we have. And love the good stuff, because it's precious, and rare and maybe, just maybe, temporary.

the itch is back

The itch is back. The almost overwhelming desire to GO SOMEWHERE. I am buying travel books again. Rsearching flight prices. Hotels. I know I can't, just can't, afford to do this. But the impulse, and that's what it is, is really powerful.

I spent a week in the Outer Banks in April. I am going to OC for a few days in July. I am spending a week in Michigan in August. I am not vacation deprived. But it's not the same. This is connected to the concept of NEW. I want something NEW, DIFFERENT, not the same. I don't want to move again -- the other way I scratch this itch. I'm already in school, and that helps some. I need to stay at my current job for at least 7 more years, so that Michael can go to college, and JHU can help me pay for it. So no new job.

Hobbies don't work. A project doesn't do it. I suppose I could get a puppy, or adopt a child -- but those seem to have more downside than I like in a change, and the other folks in my life would NOT be happy with that version of NEW.

That leaves travel. And boy oh boy do I wanna go. Portugal. Laos. Hungary. Peru. Guatemala. Hell, Toronto would work. If only I could deduct travel as a mental health expense. In the meantime, I guess I could renew the passports. And dream.